Blogging about yesterday

While at work yesterday not only did I see the person from part one but I also saw two other people.

One of these people I would never of thought I would ever see again.
You see, we all have our Ex's. (well most of us do) and the person who I saw was one of my Ex's.Strange thing is that she doesn't even life close to where I work. So for her to even have been there was really odd.

Its quite funny though because it was one of those situations where I had no idea what to do.
You see we didn't exactly end on bad terms. Funny enough we actually loved each other even when we split. It got so bad how we felt for each other that every time we saw each other she would melt and I would feel alive again.
The only reason it didn't work between us is because at the current point in time I wasn't everything that her mum and dad wanted me to be and she couldn't take how they were with her, and in all honesty I understand.

You see, when we were together I lacked the following:
I lived in a hostel
Couldn't drive
Was 2 years younger (18 at the time)
No job
Dressed like a punk rocker
Wasn't "Mature" enough

So you see there were reasons why we didnt work, but we did love each other. So much so that when I was on a break with Lucy I even ended up getting with my Ex for one night and she was still hoping we would work even though she knew we can't.

In the end we ended up blocking each other out of our life.
We couldn't have a friendship at the time because no matter how much we tried to stay "just friends" the fact that we had such strong feelings for each other caused us to just end up hating ourselves for torchering our self.

So yeah anyway.. we split up and decided that even seeing each other was too much.

I finally moved on and was "happy" (well for some time) and i contacted her.. but she wasn't ready to try being friends just then. She still loved me and although she wanted to be friends she just couldn't move on and stay just friends (thus the fling when I broke up with Lucy)
So I left her alone.

Its been about 4 years since I have seen her, and I know she has finally moved on (although she still worries that she might end up loving me again).

Then yesterday after 4 years she shows up in my work..

What the fuck should I have done?

I wanted to say "Hi.. you ok?" or something.. but I didn't dare.
You see, she really is a lovely person and although I would love to have her back in my life as a good friend, I also don't want to pop back in her life and then end up causing it to become destroyed when Jay pops he head out to say hi.

So although I sit here wondering "what if", and wishing I had of said hi, I also know that it was probably for the best that I said nothing and just let her live her life without me in it.

Maybe one day she might even read this post (very unlikely) but if she does... well.. at least she knows that I still care about her being happy just like I told her I would, and that if not being with me in her life is what she needs then so be it ^_^

Thankyou Emma

AND..

The second person to show up at my work was a good old friend who I also haven't seen in some time (about a year). It was strange seeing her. I have told Chloe about her.. Shes that one I never had.. =/

Not that I'm going to or will even try (although I'm sure people think differently), but shes such a lovely person and we got on well.. I helped her through some confusing times and even remember lending her my Trivium hoody when it was raining so she didn't get cold and could head home (needless to say I still don't have the hoody back).

Its nice to see her moving on so progressively. I mean shes bee through really rough times and still comes out with a smile on her face no matter what.

I know that's a brief post about this other person but I just felt like blogging about the two people I saw while at work when I actually would have never thought i would have seen them.. Kinda made my day.

Black And White

You know how they say that we all have a good and bad  side to us and they also say something along the lines of a good angel on one shoulder and a bad devil on the other.

Well today was one of those days where I put my theory to the test..

You see for a long time I have had a "white angel" that has stood by me and told me so many times that what I am thinking of doing is stupid, and I listen to this "white angel" quite often, because it seems to give me a better out come on life.

However with all the stuff that's been going bad lately I thought I better test to see how pure my angel actually is.

I got hold of my angel and gave him everything he would ever need to battle like a black devil in a given situation.
I then did nothing..
I allowed my Angel full reign and the ability to make its own choices.

Now the angel should do what he always does and show me that everything he stands for and tells me is truthful and that even he himself would do the same thing that he tells me I should do.
Now because I have equipped him with everything he would ever need to become black it would then be down to him to make his choice and he can make ether choice.

You see usually my angel would tell me that what the black devil inside of me wants me to do is a stupid thing and that there are all these valid reasons for not doing it. However I also know that when put in that situation that the black devils opinion on things sounds more fun and a lot more tempting.

So here I stand with a slight predicament:

White angel can choose to stay a white angel and live by its words of wisdom and I have two opinions:
1. Thank god my white angel is actually a white angel and not a tainted gray one, at least I know I can trust it to tell me and do the right thing.
2. I would be slightly disappointed that it didn't take the opportunity to enjoy its self and be slightly black.

Personally though, although "I would want the 2nd opinion".. I know the 1st opinion is the right one to have, given that situation, and so that is what I shall think IF the angel does stay white.

White angel can choose to become a black devil and ignore its own words of wisdom and I would also have two opinions:
1. I am disappointed that the Angel I thought was pure white and helping me by telling me what it true and right, has then gone against its own words of advice and become a hypocrite and become blackened.
2. I am glad that my white angel is still able to listen to my bark side once and again and is able to enjoy itself.

Again I personally think that although "I would want the 2nd opinion".. I know the 1st opinion is the right one to have, given that situation, and so that is what I shall think IF the angel does stray slightly dark and against its own words of advice.

Only thing to do now is set my angel free and see what happens.....

Depression and love..

Well this sucks..

Mood yesterday was... actually... my mood before I fell asleep at 8am was quite good.
So good in fact that I wondered if everyone would like to meet up at a local park to hang out seeing as we haven't seen each other in a while.
Sure I fell asleep at 8am and woke up at about 1PM, but I could still meet them.

Problem is that during my 5 hour sleep I some how became depressed. ¬_¬

I have no idea whats caused it.

There are so many things going well for people lately and yet I cant seem to look on the positive side of life.
I was talking to Chloe about this only yesterday.
It seems that no matter what I do, say or think its always got a negative spin on it. =[


The above cartoon strip is how I feel on quite a few occasions.I never have any reason for it, it just seems to happen.

For example.
I see two people get together in a relationship.
They seem happy together and everyone is over joyed at the situation.
I can see how its currently having a positive effect, but within seconds of being told my mind starts racing.. "It wont work.. there's too many things that will cause this to fail... you wait, you'll see."

I constantly make myself feel inferior.
A lot of you will laugh at that statement.
For you see there is this usual statement that gets thrown about which is that I have a blimp head (a slight metaphor for my ego). Apparently I have this massive ego about myself and that I am so great in so many ways. The funny thing is, these little "Blimp headed ego boosts" are the only thing that keeps me going, thus the reason they happen so often.

Even when I do have a slight ego boost it doesn't remove all the other bad things about myself and so I still end up thinking how much of a horrible person I am.

Here's just a short list of the things that I think negative about:

My friendship:
Now this is quite a vast topic. You see I always want to be a good friend and help others out where I can. My problem is though that although I want to help I just end up making things worse. I will air my opinion on any given situation without care of the effect because I think its best to be blunt with a friend, but this causes them to become upset/angry/disappointed because for a start they might not have asked for my opinion and they also now have a most likely contradicting opinion thrown at them that causes them to think "What a dick you are jay".
That's the very tip of the iceberg as to how I feel I am in friendships. In a nut shell I fuck them up so easily.

My life in general:
As you may know from reading other posts in my blog, not everything as been going right lately.. in fact you could say that everything has been going to shit over the past few months.
There are so many things that I have no control over that are causing me to become disappointed with my life that it almost feels pointless fighting to try and fix it.
For a start my current status at work is messed up.. I work in a shitty super market stacking shelves, tipping the deliveries, tidying up the warehouse and other pointless things. I am not gaining anything out of it.. no major life skills... nothing I can use out of work to better myself.
I need to change job but can't.. thus the RAF idea I have.. but even that is failing due to being in poor health state. I could fix that but I have no time and when I do have the time I have no motivation =[

My relationship:
hahahaha.. my what?
Yeah this is currently so confusing and messed up that I feel like shooting myself in the head just to stop me thinking about how fucked up things are right now.
Currently as it stands "I'm single".
I'll say that again so you can full take in this post.. "I'm single".. this means I can do anything I want right.. Sure why not.
Problem here is that I am still seeing Chloe on a regular basis, I cant stop thinking about her, We still have sex, and it even feels like a relationship. So in my mind "I'm taken".. but I'm not O_o
Sure this doesn't seem to complex..
I'm single but I feel like I'm taken because I still love Chloe, but then we throw in the big fucker of a issue..
The fact that I think all stupidly and that because I'm single I know that I can have anyone and flirt like crazy.. So I kinda do.. but then I get angry at myself knowing its only gonna hurt Chloe. even thought we aren't together. FUCK!

My mind:
Its broken... there is no other word for it. Ok so maybe there is but I like that word "Broken".
Basically my mind thinks so much and in such detail that I can't seem to tell whats real from whats not. Like are these relationships actually doomed to fail because of all the reasons i can think of in my mind or am I over thinking things? Are things really as broken as they seem to be in my mind or am I right.
My biggest fear is to become insane.
Not the loony "I'm a giant space alien from the planet Jay-Topia here on a mission to lean about how chocolate sprinkles can grow wings and fly with the sea birds of Pluto" but more of the I'm sane insane, where I cant define the difference between reality and fiction. For example..
I join the RAF.. I show good progress and rank up fast. I then feel that I'm being watched. the feeling seems logical and true but actually its just paranoia.
or..
I start to believe that there is a meaning to life and that meaning is to do something crazy that doesn't seem crazy to me as I have over thought it. I then go and do this crazy thing and end my own life thinking hat I have done what it was that I needed to do.

The worrying thing is the above statements are slightly how I feel now days.
I have so many things effecting me such as paranoia that I already feel insane.

I personally don't agree with people who think they can fix people with drugs and talking (aka doc's and phyks). The reason for this is that the only way your mind can be fixed is if you allow it to be fixed. Your mind is something that uses reason, and so if you are depressed you are depressed for a reason. The only way to then not be depressed is to find the cause (reason) of your depression and then think about it not being a problem or solving it.
If you cant mentally remove that depression by solving whats causing it or realizing that its not worth the depression then talking to a doc or psyk isn't going to work ether. All they can do is tell you "its not a big deal and to get over it" obviously more long winded than that and in a much more complex way but effectively they are tricking your mind in to removing the depression. they don't physically remove it them self.

Now s much as I don't agree with them I actually think I need one.. O_o... Yeah go figure.
You see I personally can't seem to find the source of my depression. Its obviously got a source.. maybe two, but I can't pin point it because I cant think about it in a logical way.

I start trying to figure out whats wrong with me and just end up focusing on all the bad shit in my life thus making it worse.
Catch 22...
If I could find and list all the depressing things and then link them one by one to a route cause then I could look at the cause in a different way or possibly solve the reason its causing me to be so depressed and then job done.. but even to list all the depressing things causes me to fail.

What a rant hey.. =/
It was kinda needed I guess.
I have no idea who reads these any more and in all honestly I don't care.
For all its worth, no one could ever read this post but the fact that I have been able to get these thing out of my mind and into words causes me to have some form of relief for some reason..
Doesn't solve anything.. its just here.. but it helps O_o

On one final note before I leave this post..

Lately I have been looked down upon due to this whole Chloe thing.
I know she has been hurting over the past few days, and its not like I have done it on purpose.
The thing that gets me is that everyone seems to look down at me with shame, as though I am some horrible and worthless bastard who shouldn't be aloud to see her let alone date her.
But the thing is you all don't see us behind closed doors..
You may hear us argue, you may see her cry, but we both know that the only reason for this is the fact that we want to fight for each other...
That sounds stupid to most people and I know there are a few people out there "Close friends of Chloe's" that look at me like dirt.. but have they ever sat and wondered why she even still bothers with me?

Maybe its because although I'm blunt with the truth with her, its ALWAYS the truth.. I have never lied to her once and will never do so.
Maybe its because although I am reluctant to do a lot of things like go on dates etc, I still show her hat she means the world to me.
Maybe even though we argue and she cries its because I always hug her after and tell her I'm sorry that I made her cry and that I'm working on things o that I wont make her cry in the future and we can live the happy life we have planned.
And maybe just maybe its because although you all don't see these things in our relationship... maybe its because she knows that I mean ever word I ever tell her, because she really does mean that much to me.

You can hate me for how I am if you want to. Frown at me, yell at me, tell me I'm useless if you want and that I'm no good for her...
you see it doesn't matter what you say because at the end of the day I tell myself this every day..
No person on earth can hate me as much as I hate myself..
But that wont stop me loving her for who she is and wanting to make her happy in any way I can.

This is why I made a playlist for her (90's mix tape FTW)
You all may not understand but she did.. Every song in this Playlist has lyrics that perfectly it how I feel towards her.. that's the reason I chose the lyric versions of the tracks on youtube.

If your curious then feel free to click and listen.. because she truly is my world..

^The Playlist^

Hit play to listen to them all..

Fucking Jay ¬_¬

You know that moment in life where you have so many problems that you have no idea what to do?

So what you try to do is make a list of all your problems and then solve as many of the small ones as you can and then put things in place to help solve the larger ones.

However when you can't seem to solve any of the problems your faced with and things keep getting worse, what else can you do?

Well I never really had much of an answer to what else you could do to try and solve the problem, however i also didn't wanna dwell on it either. So usually I try and get fucked out my face on drink and some forms of drugs so that I forget all about the problems and at least try to live a little in a fairly happy state until something magically goes well. 99% of the time it works out.

Currently I feel like everything that i have ever created for myself has been blown up in my face and then stomped on to make sure I cant ever have it fixed.. cheers Jay

You see for the past week or so now Jay has been overpowering me and I seem to have no way of stopping him, and if there is a way I have no idea what that is.

I have sat here for the past few days wondering what I could do to stop him from destroying everything and I honestly cant think of any other than get rid of him..problem there is its not that easy.. =/

Not many people understand that what I go through isn't something I can just switch off or ignore...
It actually is like your entire mind becomes a different person. So badly in fact that at the time your doing all of those things, it actually seems like the things you would normally do every day and that you can't argue with it.

Then when things change back you see all the stuff and think "Why the fuck!" and your left in a situation where you have no understanding as to why you did any of it.

I need some form of help with controlling this but currently everyone who could help me ether doesn't fully understand or isn't willing to help anymore.

No wonder my life seems to be in bits...

OMFG.. I'm not alone in how I see sex.

OMG!

Yesterday I found out that I am finally not alone in the way I think.

Well.. I'll rephrase that.

Yesterday I found out that I am not the only person on this planet that sees sex in such a strange way and feels completely different to everyone else when thinking about it.
Now before you read the post there's a few things I would like to convey to you all.
Firstly I do believe in love and relationships.
They exist be everyone feels love in different ways (thus why its so damn complex).
This next post will seem like something I would write or maybe my thoughts BUT it is 100% someone else entirely.
When shown it by someone we were both stunned at how much it sounded like me. So please don't read the conversation as though I was having it otherwise you will get the wrong end of the stick.
Finally on one last note. Please do not get pissed off at the way that I think, I cant help it and if it bothers you that much stop reading my blog ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The convo:

Guy Like Me: I don't care if I'm judged, it doesn't matter to me. I am a sex addict. Iv'e slept with over 200 women and I've been through sex rehab twice. It's something that has plagued me for a very long time. I feel like its something I NEED and it completely fucks with my mood and my outlook if I don't get it whenever I want it.

Logical Guy: Surely if youve been through rehab twice and its not worked, then they give you medication for it? Maybe they cant give you something that lowers your libido or something?

Guy Like Me : Nope, its not a medication thing. That's not the problem, you see it's more a mental thing than a physical.

Logical Guy: Just to clarify, do you actually love your girlfriend or not?

Guy Like Me : No I do not. I want to and I should , but I know in my heart that I don't.

Logical Guy: oh dear. That's not good.

Guy Like Me : We've been together for 2 years, you know and we live together. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reading that short post really shocked me.

I know it sounds quite harsh but that's how I feel most of the time.

My past few relationships have all ended with this odd feeling that I get.. It's really hard to explain but I'll try.

A post of mine:

My mind is a curious thing, I tend to think about all sorts of things in serious depth. So sure maybe this wont apply to some of you however it might to some others.

Now for a lot of people I know that sex is one of those things that should only be done between two people, that love one another and are possibly in a relationship or if not are heading in that direction.

Me on the other hand I see sex slightly differently.
Sex to me isn't one of those things that should be limited by love and relationships.
It may sound weird, but I see sex as something you just do.

• Maybe you have sex to make the other person feel good about them self.
• Maybe it's just because you both have a high sex drive and possible sexual feelings towards one another.

In my eyes it doesn't mean you need a relationship or even to be in love just to have sex.

Sex isn't what defines the relationship, the feelings you have for someone is.
Maybe it's just me?
However this is how I see it.

Theres a strong black line between Love and Lust and this is where things get interesting.

Love
Say you felt like you could live with someone for the rest of your life and you know you would be happy with them by your side, grow old with kids etc...
That to me is love and love is whats needed for a good relationship.

Lust
In my eyes wanting to have sex is a lust thing.
Something you crave and something you could "want" with someone or some people.

So if you love someone then you could quite happily be in a relationship with them and spend years with them by your side. It's not something you are craving, it's not a need. It's simply something that's nice.

So basically I don't feel like sex is such a big thing to get all defencive about, and that people confuse it as a thing of love when its actually lust.

• "Oh my god, they slept with me last night... they must love me."
• "How can you sleep with so many people? Thats just wrong!"
• "By sleeping with them you lead them on."

This is why fuck buddies exist! :D

So say you are in a relationship with someone, and you have feelings of lust for someone else (would quite happily sleep with someone you've seen).
It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed to fail..
Nor does it mean you love someone else..
It simply means that you are human and you have thought about "what if".

These feelings are normal!



You see I feel controlled by sex.
If offered it by someone who I thought was attractive and I personally thought I would enjoy it with then my mind would be screaming at me to take it and make sure it is so good that I know full well I'll get more later on if "needed". This doesn't mean that I always would take it, however it does mean I'm always craving it. Now you could say that it's just a typical male thing and its understandable but its a little more complex than that.

If in a relationship, I still get the same feelings. The difference is that although my mind is screaming for sex every now and again it also knows that it can get it when ever it wants and there is no challenge. (I'm not too sure challenge is the right word.. but if I can come home and have sex at the drop of a hat it becomes a tad boring, and I suppose and I loose interest). Even if we spice things up a bit, I still don't get the same rush as when I know I might not be able to have what I want.

For example.
I see a girl who I like the look of.
I flirt...
We tease...
We have sex...
(I get a "thrill of the chase" if you will and feel amazing)

I see her again..
We flirt... but this time I know I can have it, as I have had it once before. This slightly dulls the thrill but seeing as its not on tap with her its still a maybe game. If I get it again I'll most likely enjoy myself but not as much as the first time.

When it comes down to a relationship the same rules apply. I can think they are amazing in so many ways and Love them for who they are but my mind is always looking for a sexual thrill. This is what causes my major problem in a relationship.


So let me explain...
I have found someone who I want a "Relationship" with. This means that I don't care how good the sex is... I don't care about looks, the voice any of that physical stuff, the reason I would want to be in a relationship with that someone is that I could quite happily spend my entire life with them. If the sex is good, they look good etc then they in my eyes are all bonus's.
This person I am in a relationship with I "love".

Now...
Given my metal state where I am always seeking a thrill in some sexual way I tend to flirt when in a relationship. As much as I would want to go off and follow my urge to get a thrill off someone I know full well I cant, so in order to release the pressure a bit I flirt. Nothing more...

Now I can understand how this can be seen as a "Bad thing" and something I shouldn't be doing.. but if I don't then the lack of a thrill builds up to the point where it changes to resentment.

Think of a druggie who is told they cant have any of their very addicted drug and a druggie that is told he can have only a little bit. Which one will be happy even though they don't get the full amount the could have? Well the one that gets a small amount of his drug of cause.

So you see, I have this horrible mental urge that I can't stop. It sounds strange, and believe me I thought I was just being stupid and "thats a load of crap. I can stop if I want" but I honestly can't, and after reading that I'm not the only one out there that feels this way it hit me as such a relief.

I have no idea who the "Other Me" is only who "Logic" is, but I wonder if they see things the same as me. If at all possible I would like him to read it and let me know if this is how it effect him too.


Basically..
The way it works is like this. You ave 3 groups
Physical (Lust), Mental connection (Love), Forbidden (Greed?)

These 3 things determine how likely it is that I will want to have sex with someone.
The better looking they are the higher the urge is, the better I get along with them the higher the urge is, and the more I'm told I cant have the higher the urge is.

So basically someone who is butt ugly with no connection and I can have will most likely not even cross my mind.. However if you say I can't have them then my mind asks "why not.. this seems like a challenge".. even if the first 2 are still low ranking its the fact that I was told that I can't and so I have to prove I can. If they are not forbidden, I have no connections with them at all but they look stunning then again my mind thinks.. "I wish", and if not forbidden or good looking but I get on really well with them then my mind goes "They are so awesome and lovely..."

So you see if they have a high rating on all 3 then my mind goes in to overdrive.. "Whats that I think their awesome.. they look amazing and I cant have them.. challenge accepted.. I want :3"

The problem here is that its a curse.
I can love someone for all the reasons I stated, but I still have this constant feeling that I must seek more.

Currently there are lots of people that fit in at least one of these categories.
But just being in one is not enough for me to go chancing you down (Unless you rank 100% in that one your in).
There are a few in 2 of the categories, but even so you would need a high ranking for me to even consider it.
Then there are some in all three :3

Now usually when in a relationship if someone is in all 3 or rank high I tend to get frustrated and just let out my urge through flirting and nothing more. But when not in a relationship, usually anything goes..

So here's how it works:
You have the 3 groups.
And you get ranked 1-10 in each group. You then add them up and get a number out of 30.. anything below 15 isn't worth it, and I tend to ignore but people who rate 16+ always grab my minds attention.

For example:
Physical 8
Mental connection 10
Forbidden 0
That describes someone I know and they rank 18 out of 30. However if they became forbidden the urge to have would increase.

Physical 8
Mental connection 6
Forbidden 7
This is another small preview of someone I know and they rank 21 out of 30.

I know this all sounds to well thought out and "a load of crap" but its honestly true and how my mind works.. I can't help it, but I can hold back as long as I can let it out slightly.

I have rambled quite a bit here and probably made a few people disappointed in me because they now understand how my mind sees sex and people. However the whole point of this blog is to help you understand how I think is it not?

Anyway I shall leave you with a better understanding of me and hopefully you will not judge me for being so strange.. I honestly can't help it. =[
And like "Guy Like Me" put it...

"It's something that has plagued me for a very long time. I feel like its something I NEED and it completely fucks with my mood and my outlook if I don't get it whenever I want it."

What a bunch of balls ¬_¬

I feel about ready to jump out of my window or walk in front of a truck ( I say a truck because a car might not work and a bus has a driver low down so he might see me and stop )

Every 5 minutes or so at work I am close to hitting someone. To me it doesn't matter if its a customer or if its a employee.. but who ever it is I'm sure they will have done nothing wrong.

I seemed to have sunk back to when I wrote "This Post"

If anything that post sums up exactly how I feel right now other than the fact that I'm even closer to just giving up on life.

I thought about maybe going to the doctors and seeing if they can help me out but the best they would be able to do is give me some pills and say "take these and come back in a few weeks to see if its working".

I think the worst part about how i feel right now is that fact that I know full well that I'm destroying everything I built for myself and yet I have no control over my actions..

Things between me and chloe have hit a rock bottom.. I fell like its over and I lost here although I know shes still clinging on, I'm sorta glad shes clinging on as I know things "could" work out and we can be happy. Problem is that it kills me that she has to cling on and be so hurt in the process..

Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist?
Maybe they could help.. problem there is I just don't trust them.
I mean its all well and good sitting down with someone and spewing out your problems however they can only give you "advice" on what they hear.. and obviously my views are biased. Not only that but they aren't in the relationship or me for that matter so how can they understand how my mind works?

Maybe i just need some pills from the doctors that kills off my brain..
Maybe the fact that i have so many personality's all cramed in there along with a mass of thoughts and a unbelievable amount of stress... maybe i just need to shut it all down and do a system restore.

Ah who knows what the answer might be.. could be bloody anything.

All I know is I don't have it and its slowly killing me..

Help.. someone?

Me, Myself and My Mind

Dear My Mind

Today I have some quite disappointing news to tell you.
Currently you have left me in a world of confusion. You have given me my ups and my downs without warning and over the past few hours you have sent me in to a Whirlpool of confusion.

I am writing to you in order to query why it is that you do these things to me when it would be so much easier to be normal like everyone else and just get on with things simply and calmly would it not?

Relationship advice...?

I was looking through some random websites today and reading a few things that caught my eye.

Naturally I started reading some deep talks on 4Chan (Yes they exist)
Some were about how they feel lost and alone ever since they lost their family in a accident and others were about how they wanted to hit on this chick but were to scared to do so.
All of these were your everyday 4Chan deep talks (thats about as deep as /b/ goes..)

Then I started reading this on post that shortly 404'ed that was about this guy who felt trapped in his relationship and has been having thoughts of other people.. naturally I became interested as to what the troll advice /b/ would throw at this guy was and funny enough was shown a link to a website.

After reading through it I actually thought it was a amazing post and that I had to share it with you all..
This is the post...


###START###
It was my roommate’s 21st birthday a few Fridays ago, so my roommates and I decided to throw her a massive birthday party at our apartment. My boyfriend opted to chill in my bedroom for most of the night, while I mingled with the throng of intoxicated co-eds crowding our kitchen.  Several cocktails later, I found myself considering hooking up with four different guys and one girl. At least. And every time I had even the slightest urge to stick my tongue in someone else’s mouth, I would go into the bedroom and slur to my boyfriend something along the lines of, “There’s a cute boy/girl in the kitchen and I sooo want to sleep with him/her.” He would respond by smirking, patting me on the back and saying, “Go for it.”
But then, of course, we ended the night getting into each other’s pants.
This scenario happens a lot in our relationship, and not necessarily during drunken party scenes. Some days we just come home and talk about the attractive people in our classes or clubs who we’ve developed schoolgirl/schoolboy crushes on, and then end the conversation with sex. For example, one time I came home rambling on about this cute guy in my French class who was quite the charmer, and my boyfriend, determined to show him up, managed to charm me out of my clothing and onto his bed. Crafty, no? And while other couples work out or go wine tasting together, we Facebook stalk our crushes together, almost as a strange bonding ritual.

Another borderline creepy activity that we like to do together while hanging out on campus (or anywhere public, really) is to comment on attractive girls and guys that pass by and decide whether or not we would consider dating them if we were both single (and bi). Most of the time our tastes in attractive people differ, but every now and then someone will pass by and we can both agree, “Oh yeah. That person is definitely worth fucking.” Yeah, we’re that couple.
I just feel like after a certain period of time, it becomes perfectly natural for people in relationships to be attracted to other people. The philosophy that my boyfriend and I have adopted can be summed up as, “Why fight it?” We have an implicit understanding that neither of us actually will act on these verbalized urges — we are both monogamous and know that sexual relations with other people are a no-go. We simply don’t hide these desires from each other, so there’s never any suspicion or speculation that the other is being unfaithful. And it’s made our relationship stronger. I know that despite the fact that he finds other girls attractive, he still places me above them all — and vice versa.
So what happens when couples fight it? I have a guy friend who’s been with his girlfriend for several years and he still can’t look at another girl without pushing the “meltdown” button in her head. In the beginning he tried to tell her about girls he had crushes on, but since his honesty led to some really dramatic break-ups, he’s decided “Ahh, well, ignorance is bliss.” They’ve gone through several “breaks,” and during each he’s managed to hook up with at least one woman, and his girlfriend is none the wiser. I suspect that the more he’s not allowed to even think of another girl, the more he does so when his girlfriend is away.
The idea that you can’t be attracted to other people when you’re in a relationship is just unrealistic and sets couples up for future problems. Human attraction is a basic instinct, and it’s really just a matter of acting responsibly. Just because you find yourself turned on by a girl or guy in the grocery store doesn't mean your relationship with your significant other is flawed, and it doesn’t mean you’re an awful person prone to infidelity. I’m not saying everyone should adopt our brutal honesty policy, but I do think one day everyone needs to sit down with their significant other and just admit, “I’ve thought about screwing other people, but don’t worry, you’re still at the top of my list.”
###END###


Now I don't know about you but this for me seemed so true..
I read how the two are with each other and thought.. "That is actually amazing. Every couple should be like that.. so much trust and so much freedom given to one another and yet they both seem really happy in a relationship.".. then I read the "I have a guy friend who’s been with his girlfriend for several years and he still can’t look at another girl without pushing the “meltdown” button in her head. In the beginning he tried to tell her about ......." paragraph and thought, why is it that some people are like this?

I mean she sums it up in her post really well.. "I’m not saying everyone should adopt our brutal honesty policy, but I do think one day everyone needs to sit down with their significant other and just admit, “I've thought about screwing other people, but don’t worry, you’re still at the top of my list.”.."

I mean I can understand that some people have issues and worry that the other half may wander off with someone else, but in all honesty they are only going to do that if they are unhappy are they not?

So why not just both be happy allowing each other to do as they please knowing full well that because they are so happy and free to do as they please they wont go off with anyone else because they wont be able to get that kind of trust and love from anyone else.

Maybe I'm rambling too much but meh... my thoughts.. my post :3

Source: confession-my-boyfriend-and-i-have-crushes-on-other-people

A soppy post about my future...

I had a talk with good friend one day while shattered from running..
I explained that I want my life to have a impact and to make a difference. The world would be boring if nothing changed and progressed forward.

Now as much as I would love to be the one who makes that change I know its not going to happen.. I have been put in a situation and place where I can't really reach as high as I would like to.
Think of my life as a rock wall face.. My goal sitting high at the top waiting for me to reach it and make a change. but currently I am so far down that the holes in the wall i need to progress forwards are few and tiny, so i struggle.

I will however progress as much as I can in making my goal closer to me..

I know it wont be me that makes a change, however I live for one thing.
I want my children to be able to reach their goals in life and possibly make a difference and change something in the way we life our life..
Be it creating something new, finding out something new or seen doing something outstanding.. what ever it is they wish to do I will make it possible.

I will work my ass off every day progressing forward and bettering myself so that they can have the best start in life possible.

Once there I will help them learn as much as possible from counting and spelling to understanding facial expressions and logical thinking.


I have some truly amazing friends who I hope will grow old with me in their life. I also hope that they will help me educate my children in ways which I can not, allowing them to see things from many angles and thinking n so many different ways..

My life my not be remembered... My life may not be famous... My life my not be exciting... BUT... My life will hopefully create a life that will have the chance to be remembered, to be famous or to be exciting. My life will not be wasted, but rather used to help in the progression of life no matter  what the final outcome of life may be for us all.

I wont be the one to make a difference.....

But I hope that some day I helped with that difference being possible =)

...

My vision....

I get myself in a stable state of mind with a house, a job and a fantastic relationship who also has a enjoyable and stable job..
Once in this stable state we can plan to have children and they will be protected from the worries of money and accommodation..
I shall teach them from a young age to speak and count by talking to them as though already grown up and mature. I will help them in any way possible while also allowing them to struggle slightly to understand taht some things aren't easy..
Once speech is developed and they communicate well I shall help them grow their knowledge of everything I can teach them from Algebra and Geography to Computers and Science.
I shall teach them to look for answers while sing facts to back up ideas.. They shall learn from other around them to expand on what they know.. Hopefully all thus before they reach High School.

People I wish them to meet and learn from:
Jack my dear brother (their one day uncle) can teach them to understand science from big to small, he shall be able to surpass me in so many ways when it comes to understanding the way the universe works allowing them to understand why things are what they are and how and why things happen. He can help them to understand things like evolution and theories that have helped the human race progress, teaching them the importance of understanding complex things and looking for answers. He also has a skill with sarcasm and game play allowing them to freely express themselves.

Callum who is such a trusting and honorable guy can teach them moral and trust by being the true gentleman that he is. this should teach them to understand people and how they differ from one to another, and how no matter who it may be we should treat everyone with respect no matter what they say or do. I would be happy for them to listen to his words of maturity and understanding where emotions and people are involved, knowing when things can be said and when other things should be kept from people for their sake or the sake of others.

Jess who has an amazing talent for communication with a wide range of languages can teach them to speak in many different tongues so that they can communicate with people from every part of the world. She has a brilliant way with wording things and helping people through hard times which is an amazing talent for making people feel better about them-self and thus respecting others and helping people in return. It will allow them to see that people can be spoken to in ways which make them feel relaxed even when on edge the words they need are just needed to be chosen carefully.

These are just some of the people who I would love to be apart of my childrens lives. For they are wonderful and skilled, and it would mean a lot to me if they grew old with me.

By the time my children are old enough to look for work I hope them to be skilled and understanding and to have a great start in life ready to do something amazing with it.

If not, I will not hate them for it is their choice... but I expect great things from them and so they are my reason to live =]

Not to bad thanks... Lies

I have come to realize over the past few days that I lie nearly all the time about one thing in particular.

Everyday I get asked.. "James are you ok" or "How are you" along with many other ways of asking me how in currently feeling, and I have come to realize that every time I reply its with the words "Not bad thanks" Or "Not to bad" something along those lines..

However this is always a lie...

You see with out meaning to I throw in the word "Not" at the start so that I can say something that I'm not but then I'm also not saying what I am..
I then say "too bad" as if to say things could be better or worse. Again not saying I'm happy or sad..

I say those three words way to often, when asked how I am.. and its in fact a defensive wall stopping people knowing whats actually going on inside.

I could be absolutely miserable and yet I would still say "Not too bad" just to cover it up..
However I have a flaw. Something a lot of people miss due to not really listening and just taking words for granted..
My voice tells everyone exactly how I truly feel..
I would like to say I could hide it but I have never had to so its quite out there and easy for people to see the truth..

That got me thinking.. not only do I lie about how I feel in general but I also lie about how I feel over all..
For example.. "Can you do this?" being the question.. the reply "Yeah" has a different pitch.. High means that I actually can but low means I'm not too sure.

The funny thing is that I am not the only one who does this.. we all do.. but how many of you can actually read a person properly and how many of you just ignore it?

Back on track?

Im starting this blog at 11:10PM on the 8th..

When I finish I have no idea.. However I do have to be at work for 7am on the 9th ¬_¬ 7 hours 50 minutes..

Current status is hazy... not clear but still some path noticeable.

Over the past few days, things have been quite different.. I have a vague idea as to why this would be and will not be attempting to change it in anyway what so ever.

Friendships seem to be going great, been hanging out with a few people and seeing more people than usual. Even been introduced to a new bunch of people not so far from where I hang out anyway :P

Social status seems to be fine if not exceeding usual, and with work taking up a lot of my time I still manage to talk to the important people making sure they are ok and happy.. and if not manage to help or at least reassure them that I'm here for them..

Current mindset is iffy... not normal and yet normal all at the same time.

Lifestyle is simple, short and sweet, with no need to tamper with its workings as of yet.

Fitness is booked in and linked with social for a better use of time and tasking and steps are in place for long term fixing of health.

Just realized that my mind is at rest... If i try to think of something....(tries to think of something)... the only thing that goes round in my head is the word "Something"...

Complete bliss although lack of sleep.. but then that is fixed by last day at work and more free time to patch up health.

Current mindset is focused on Friendships, Physical Health and Structure.
Not much time for entertainment other than relaxation of a series before sleep or he social experiences of outside..

All in all... life is good =]

The run... (2PM)

Well for anyone that has read this post (Moving Forward) You will know that I am wanting to join the RAF in a attempt to move on forward with things..

I have many reasons but thats not important for this post..

Today I am running into town.
On Tuesday night I was talking with a very good friend about how fit you need to be in order to even get signed up to the RAF and apparently "Very" is the answer..
With that being said.. am I very fit or just ok?
My only way to test this is to run... and if I'm not in shape then to get in shape..

So today I will be running from one place to another in order to see how fit I actually am..

The above image is the route I will be taking and how long it takes to walk..
However like many 4channers.. no pic's no proof..
So I have set up a link so you can watch me run..
http://www.greenalp.com/RealtimeTracker/index.php?guestmode=1&viewuser=CovertHoax


That link will show you a map with a pin on it... the pin is me.. it will update every 15 seconds to show you where I am.. you can also click on the pin to send me a message of encouragement OR view how fast I'm actually going.
When I Leave the map will start updating.

Hopefully this shows good results.. but I'm not too sure :S

Anyway wish me luck..

Should be leaving about 2PM GMT 0:00

Moving Forward

Well.. made the call today.. got to make one more call to make for the last bit of info, then find the position I defo want and call up and apply..

6-9 Months from applying I'll be gone.. No idea where to or for how long but at least I'll be moving forward and bettering myself.

I have to do this..
Not for work.. not for money and not for anything physical.. but for me.. for my mind to settle and for me to finally be able to move forward in life and have a chance of reaching some sort of stable goal.

Short post I know but such a relief...

EDIT1: Call two made...
Just the perfect position to be chosen now.. Wrong choice could be a major issue..

EDIT2: Position found... Just need to make the last call...
Work in 25 mins too.. better get ready for work.. I can make the call anytime now :P

UPDATE: Need to get fitter first =[

My Mindless Music

It seems that the one thing I can rely on to distract me from anything is still my music.. thank god I have so much.

Have been listening to so much music over the past few days but this morning has really helped. It was only when the electrician turned up that I realized how well my music stops my mind from thinking.

May need to put on some more new songs soon though.. my playlist is getting a tad over played.

Only problem is I can never have my music loud enough =/

...

Give me a day to myself and my PC and the amount of things I do with music on is amazing.. turn it off and I hit facebook and youtube and nothing more.

Its making me think more about this years download.
Currently i can't go due to my holidays and no ticket.. but I can hopefully get my holidays changed so I can go.. just need the ticket and transport....

Ticket I can do.. just gotta save money :P easy.. transport is another matter all together, but there has to be some way.. even if I get train?

In the mean time.. I better get started on that Planner...