Me in a HUGE nut shell

I WILL KEEP UPDATING THIS
I'M TRYING TO ADD AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE SORRY IT'S TAKING SO LONG.
Last update: 19/12/12 @ 14:43
(added to music +List, games and TV shows +List and added things that i fear +List of films)

Session One Will Be This I Guess...

Well its almost Thursday, the day I am supposed to see someone and let it all out in order for them to help me.

Problem is that my mind is actually blank of the things that I need to talk about.

So I though maybe it would be good to get most of it in my mind now so that I can sit about and think some more about what I need to tell them in order to get the best out of this.

Well the main thing that's been really playing on my mind is this whole Chloe thing..

Obviously the councilor will have no idea about anything going on with me and Chloe or how we are together, so surely it would be wise to give them a brief overview of us first right?

(EDIT: this whole post is about chloe.. not brief..)

(From Blog Post: Chloe...)

I have never felt this strongly towards anyone ever!

When I first met her in town that day when she was wearing that Nerdasaurous hoody, I was in a relationship with Lucy.

Things with her were shit. My relationship was driving me round the bend and I was in bits. Then while in town that day I see this young girl who seemed so shy and quiet.. i wanted to ask her if she was ok. However I had never met her and didn't want to impose upon her by asking questions.. she might be upset about something that wasn't my business, even so that didn't stop e worrying about if she was ok or not.. she looked so sad, yet also putting on a brave face.

God knows how I knew all of that. I hardly knew her but its what I saw.

I didn't speak to her the whole day because I had no idea who she was.. but my mind was constantly telling me to keep an eye out for her and help if I could.

When she had to go I actually felt sad. No idea why.. possibly because I saw someone I wanted to comfort and cheer up but couldn't, and then it happened... the one thing that changed it all.. She went to leave but just before she left she hugged me O_O

I wasn't expecting it.. I hadn't even spoken to her for a start, but it felt so right.

I actually felt like giving her that hug was the one thing she needed to make her feel better.

Then she left.

For the rest of the day my mind was thinking of only her.. "who was she?" "will I ever see her again?"

So many thoughts.

A few days past and we had been chatting on facebook after we added each other due to the meet up.

Things were going well.. she had told me so many things and I had listened and helped where I could.. I cheered her up and supported her with the issues she was having with some people.

Things felt good.

I was helping...

Not too long after my flirty side kicked in as it does.

She obviously found it amusing and even flirted back.

We had group convos with Jack Bumble Tim etc and they always had a few flirty comments in there for jokes..

Things just felt soo happy and good..

Tim made a comment to us.. "Will you two just fuck already" as to which I replied "Well Tim that's her choice not mine ;)"

I spent hours and hours at work with nothing but her on my mind.. how happy she made me feel how open and honest we were to each other even though we didnt hardly know each other. It just all felt so amazing!

One day I threw a party with everyone invited..

And while Lucy was out I sat on the sofa with chloe, her legs over mine.. and things just felt so relaxed and natural.. nothing forced or planned.

Lucy came home and things turned in to a huge argument.. =[

My fault entirely.. I was the one in the wrong (kind of)

And that's when it hit me.. I couldn't t was driving me mad.

Things happened that night... that only me and chloe knew about on that sofa.. Only a bit of playful fun for her.. I got nothing.. but I didn't mind. I was just happy that she was happy.

The next day she said she would come over to help me tidy up after the party.

I thought that it was such a kind and thoughtful gesture, and I said sure.

She came over just after lucy left and we sat down for a bit.. I had intended in us tidying up.. but instead we sat there for what seemed like hours just talking about everything that bugged her.. friends situations etc.. I had no idea who these people were but I listened as hard as I could to understand it all.

The time passed until she had to leave for college, and she left.. we never did tidy up.

This happened for a hole week.. Every time lucyt left chloe would come over and we would sit there for ages just talking.. it was amazing.

We even watched jezza and talked about how stupid they all were and how we would deal with the problems they were in.

Se was so mature and understanding it was unbelievable.

It got to a stage where we would finish talking she would go to college and we would text each other saying that all we were thinking about while we were together was pinning each other to a wall and just letting go of everything..

One day (after over a week or so) we actually did!

She was so worried, but I took things slow for her and told her she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to and if she wanted me to stop at any time I would.

Later that night me and lucy split up..

It was only fair to some extent.. and we had been in such a state of a relationship for over a year and a half that it was about time..

Everyone supported me through it all.

I was even talking to chloe during it and she told me that things will work out for the best.. and how right she was..

Again I spent hours at work thinking about her and that day.. It was all I could think about was her!

After work every day i would walk home with my best mate Tony and I would ramble on about her for a hour walk home..

A few weeks passed of this happening when one day on the way home with tony I said to him "I astually think I love her.. and I don't mean I love her.. I mean I ACTUALLY love her! She's amazing in so many ways.."

That day I made up my mind that she was the one..

This feeling was like no other.. it was like taking my soul and filling it with popping candy and roses with no thorns and then coating it with rainbows and sparkles then placing it back into my body and letting all those things effect every nerve in my body making me feel like I was swimming in a sea of happiness.

It was beyond amazing!

And it still is!

Chloe is my world.. no shes more than that.. shes my everything in the true sense of the word!

Honestly..

Listen to the playlist and that's me and how i feel about her. (PlayList Link)

She's my goddess, my light of hope, my will to live, and my future.. shes my happiness and my reason for success.

I couldn't and wouldn't be here without her.

(From Blog Post: Where Things Stand And Why)

You see I have had my fair share of relationships. I have seen the ups and downs. I know whats good and bad and I have finally seen through these lies that I get fed and know what I truly want. I have made a lot of mistakes, and been through some rough times, and I thought I had found the end to it all. 

I had in my mind a vision.. A vision of my future and what I wanted in it. I didn't have a person or a name to put with this vision.. Just expectations. 

You see I wanted someone that I could be my self around, without worrying that they wanted someone else and not me. I wanted someone that I could talk to about any problem that I had and listen to theirs and help each other though it. I wanted someone who I could lay with for hours not saying a word but just feeling happy knowing that they feel the same. I wanted someone that smiled when I try and help them through things and accepts the help. Someone who understands me and listens and learns more about me every day. I wanted someone I was happy and comfortable with daily, where I knew that even if we had ups and downs we could talk about it and support each other by being mature, respectful, understanding, kind, honest, loving, trust worthy, genuine, affectionate, dependable on our self as well as the other, sociable, reliable, generous, polite... and so much more..

I had no name or face to this thing that I wanted.. I honestly didn't think it would exist, and then Chloe showed up and broke all laws of nature by being all those things and more. 

Stunning, interesting, knowledgeable, in to artistic photography, playful, shy, cute, sexy, classy, hard working, loyal, beautiful. 

All in all she was perfect. 

So that's how I saw her.

(From Blog Post: That One Someone)

Isn't it funny how someone has the power to make you feel over the moon and so good about yourself even when your feeling at your lowest point, yet they also have the power to worry the crap out of you.

Lately things between me and my girl Chloe have been going great.

A few things suck, like the fact that I have to work night shifts and so I sleep during the day. It causes me to hardly see her and when I do see her im usually sleepy or rushing to get ready for work.

Then with my money issues being so bad lately I also haven't been able to treat her like I would like to, and yet she still puts up with me ^_^

Things between us mentally though are fantastic. She really is one in "N".

Yeah that's right I said N... I was tempted to say 1 in a million, however just the thought of it being such a common phrase put me off saying (Typing) it. My next thought was to say a much larger number to try and express how much she truly means to me. Problem there is if I said "Shes 1 in a 10,000,000" I would be to tempted to add another 0 on the end to again try and show that she really means that much. eventually I would end up with a page covered in 0's. So to simplify things I used the term N where you then insert the biggest number you can think of ^_^

Anyway... :P

Me and her have grown so close over the past few months that I couldn't ask for anything more. Sure work gets to me and I get stressed about silly things, however when ever she turns up to see me everything vanishes from my mind and the only thing that does seem to exist inside it is "OMG shes here!... YAY!"

I have never met someone that has had this much of a positive effect on me before and its amazing..

However as you may remember... "someone has the power to make you feel over the moon and so good about yourself even when your feeling at your lowest point, yet they also have the power to worry the crap out of you"

As much as I know its far from likely to happen, I worry more than anything else that Ill lose her.

Its daft I know. V_V

Problem is, its one of those things where it seems to good to be true, and with my mind working the way it does I wonder if its all just a huge joke, maybe im on the truman show but im the main character, maybe one day she will realise im a complete loon and wont be able to stand me.

Ether way it worrys the crap out of me to a stupid extent.

I don't think its possible to ever lose this feeling for as long as you love someone this much.

For the rest of my relationship with her I will be over the moon that I'm with someone so amazing, but I would also be distraught if I was to ever lose her and so the thought will never leave me..

Kind of ironic to be fair.

But its comments like this from her that make that feeling slowly sink back to the depths of my mind again allowing me to realise that, for now at least there is no way I will lose her.

"I dont care how much you 'ramble', i dont care how much things are getting you down or how much you ever feel like just giving up, I wont let you & i'll always believe in you. 

Know that, even if I cant stay the night or even see you in the day, you're always on my mind & always in my prayers.

I love you.

?"

(From Blog Post: A soppy post about my future...)

My vision.... (For me and Chloe)

I get myself in a stable state of mind with a house, a job and a fantastic relationship who also has a enjoyable and stable job..

Once in this stable state we can plan to have children and they will be protected from the worries of money and accommodation..

I shall teach them from a young age to speak and count by talking to them as though already grown up and mature. I will help them in any way possible while also allowing them to struggle slightly to understand taht some things aren't easy..

Once speech is developed and they communicate well I shall help them grow their knowledge of everything I can teach them from Algebra and Geography to Computers and Science.

I shall teach them to look for answers while sing facts to back up ideas.. They shall learn from other around them to expand on what they know.. Hopefully all thus before they reach High School.

(From Blog Post: Depression and love..)

My relationship:

hahahaha.. my what?

Yeah this is currently so confusing and messed up that I feel like shooting myself in the head just to stop me thinking about how fucked up things are right now.

Currently as it stands "I'm single".

I'll say that again so you can full take in this post.. "I'm single".. this means I can do anything I want right.. Sure why not.

Problem here is that I am still seeing Chloe on a regular basis, I cant stop thinking about her, We still have sex, and it even feels like a relationship. So in my mind "I'm taken".. but I'm not O_o

Sure this doesn't seem to complex..

I'm single but I feel like I'm taken because I still love Chloe, but then we throw in the big fucker of a issue..

The fact that I think all stupidly and that because I'm single I know that I can have anyone and flirt like crazy.. So I kinda do.. but then I get angry at myself knowing its only gonna hurt Chloe. even thought we aren't together. FUCK!

...

...

...

On one final note before I leave this post..

Lately I have been looked down upon due to this whole Chloe thing.

I know she has been hurting over the past few days, and its not like I have done it on purpose.

The thing that gets me is that everyone seems to look down at me with shame, as though I am some horrible and worthless bastard who shouldn't be aloud to see her let alone date her.

But the thing is you all don't see us behind closed doors..

You may hear us argue, you may see her cry, but we both know that the only reason for this is the fact that we want to fight for each other...

That sounds stupid to most people and I know there are a few people out there "Close friends of Chloe's" that look at me like dirt.. but have they ever sat and wondered why she even still bothers with me?

Maybe its because although I'm blunt with the truth with her, its ALWAYS the truth.. I have never lied to her once and will never do so.

Maybe its because although I am reluctant to do a lot of things like go on dates etc, I still show her hat she means the world to me.

Maybe even though we argue and she cries its because I always hug her after and tell her I'm sorry that I made her cry and that I'm working on things o that I wont make her cry in the future and we can live the happy life we have planned.

And maybe just maybe its because although you all don't see these things in our relationship... maybe its because she knows that I mean ever word I ever tell her, because she really does mean that much to me.

You can hate me for how I am if you want to. Frown at me, yell at me, tell me I'm useless if you want and that I'm no good for her...

you see it doesn't matter what you say because at the end of the day I tell myself this every day..

No person on earth can hate me as much as I hate myself..

But that wont stop me loving her for who she is and wanting to make her happy in any way I can.

This is why I made a playlist for her (90's mix tape FTW)

You all may not understand but she did.. Every song in this Playlist has lyrics that perfectly it how I feel towards her.. that's the reason I chose the lyric versions of the tracks on youtube.

If your curious then feel free to click and listen.. because she truly is my world..

^The Playlist^

Hit play to listen to them all..

(From Blog Post: Very harsh and blunt post.. I warn you.. I'm close to cracking!)

A lot of you sit there and judge me and how I am with Chloe.

"Jay how could you say such a thing, you knew that would hurt her"

"Why is she still with you? You're a dick"....

Well you know what?

Go fuck yourself!

Yeah I'm blunt with her. I tell her everything and am 100% honest even if she doesn't want to hear it, and although it may hurt her to hear the truth, I'm fucking glad.. no.. I'm fucking proud that I'm not as nasty and bitchy as some of you out there.

I love her with all my heart and will do everything possible to make her happy. If I fuck up that's my bad and I will have to fix it or make up for it, but I don't deliberately make her feel like shit my talking behind her back, pointing out all her flaws and walking all over her.

A few new things that I would like to say about Chloe:

I couldn't ask for anyone better than her.

Those super modals can fuck off with their fake looks and personality's. I have someone that out does them but millions.

She is truly an amazing and genuine person who the world should love, not just me. I feel slightly greedy by wanting her all to myself. No one person should have this much of an amazing person to them self.

Every day I sit here and wonder why is she still with me, then I stop thinking about why and think "Who cares why? I'm just glad that she has chosen me"

Blue October summed it up perfectly..

Theres something that i cant quite explain

i'm so in love with you

you'll never take that away

and if i said a hundred times before

expect a thousand more

you never take that away

well expect me to be

calling you to see

if you're ok when i'm not around

asking if you love me

i love the way you make it sound

calling you to see

do i try too hard to make you smile

to make a smile

well i will keep calling you to see

if you're sleepin are you dreamin and

if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me

i cant believe

you actually picked...me  

  

There are so many lyrics that show how much she means to me that I made the playlist that is posted a bit further up..

Each song has some lines in it that are so true to how I feel.

(From Blog Post: So Much Has Happened Over Time)

I think its about time I made a update for my blog..

By looking back on my facebook, I can see that on the 8th of June I was in the "Best Mood Ever!" and all though out that day I spammed my wall with images of things that I liked and a lot of things that made me think of my awesome future..

Things from the Mario Themed fish tank that I would love to have in my front room of my house.

Jokes that me and chloe would always link to one another..

And things that our babies would weir..

What can I say.. I was in a very good mood..

The 9th of June hit and E3! was about in my mind.. With a posting of a status reading...

OMFG! Just drempt that a Nintendo E3! Rep came to my flat and I explained my new game idea to him and he brought it off me for a few millio and gave me a copy of the new brawl that they are keepin hidden atm :O OMGF!!¬! :3

And some references to Link and Nintendo 64 stuff thrown in for some added fun such as this image..

Still in an amazing mood.

On the 12th things are still going good and I decide to create a facebook page for images that I like and feel are worth posting..

https://www.facebook.com/ICanRelateToThisPage

Many of the posts are soppy things about love and relationships and things that i do and think are silly..

Im a tad quiet and busy with chloe on the 14th and so I don't update facebook much to have a log of what happened however i stumbled upon the fake Majoras Mask Remake

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyazYYev7Nw

While Chloe had gone out for a bit I made a image for her and fraped her with this..

<--- This person has a fraping boyfriend.

However this Boyfriend would also like to let everyone know how much she means to him.

You see words can't really express how happy she makes me feel, and no matter how hard I tried to explain it you just wouldn't understand fully how important she is to me.

So I thought I would just make a image in photoshop with a few words to express how I felt..

:3

I Love you baba xxx

See you tomorrow/today... ^_^ Love your fraping biscuit Jay-Face

By this point I was obsessed with chloe... She had become my every thought.

I had ordered her a ring on the 5th and it had shown up and I had collected it and I ordered a red rose ring gift box to put it in on the 12th and that also turned up.

I saw chloe for all of the 16th through to 17th after work and it was bliss.. I hadn't felt this relaxed and happy in a long time.. Even though I had been in a very good mood for the past few days before...

I even made a funny saying of "I know I'm dyslexic but I love you for so many raisins..."

On the 17th me and chloe joke about a few things like how I was trying to fix my iTunes libary but there were some broken links..

in my mind I had laughed at how amusing it was that you could have a image of a broken Link form a zelda game.. and within seconds chloe had posted a broken link from zelda on my wall as if she was inside my head laughing at the same joke as me.

Im then put in a amazing mood for the rest of the day where i find simple things like this amusing..

i even get posted on my wall from her a soppy picture that i personally felt to be also true.. again.. asthough we were reading from the same sheet..

I even follow it up with this..

Everything seems so right and perfect..

I feel like she is now officially the best thing to ever exist in the world..

Not only are we thinking alike but we also see so much affection in each other and everything comes so naturally.

Its like they say "A match made in heaven"

Nothing could possibly beat this feeling i have for her.

I would do anything for her, I even removed some people from facebook and blocked them so that she would no longer have to worry about their intentions. 

No matter how many times she feels down I will always try to pick her back up again and she would do the same for me..

Shes so understanding and actually listens to things rather than ignoring opinions and  being brash and ignorant.

She is so caring and supportive even when I have no right to have someone this amazing supporting me because I fuck up so much..

She makes me feel complete..

Alive..

happy...

I honestly couldn't live without her at this point.

Shes everything I ever wanted and more, without even having to ask for it and yet she still wants to be better for me.

21st hits..

Some one kill me..

You see on the 20th at night I had given chloe that said ring in said box.. and well...

Well after going out and buying a very expensive ring that I thought was perfect, and then getting a box for it that was in the shape of a rose with a stem and leaves (you open the flower head to see the ring) I had kept it hidden for chloe so that I could give it to her on her bday.

I ended up giving it to her 2days ago and she was in bits with a huge smile on her face... she loved it.. everything was perfect.... so i thought...

Turns out the next day (yesterday) she turns round and after i tell her that there is no doubt in my mind that she is the one I want to spend the resat of my life with, with our future to unfold out just like we planned and that I could undoubtedly say that I love her more than anything or one else in existence.. she then turns round to say... "I'm not 100% sure about us... I don't believe you actually love me for valid reasons but rather because i agree with the stuff you say.. and then said.. "james (not even baba like she usually calls me)... keep the ring, im sure you'll find some one to give it to, I don't desurve it.." then turned round and walked out.... talk about fucking devastated right now..

I thought she was it.. I thought that there was no way it could be any better and that everything had finally come to the point where nothing but her mattered..

i put my self out there to let her know how devoted i was to her and she accepted it all and made me so happy. only to stomp on my happiness and making me believe that this thing they call love is just a lie. ='[

I'm sure she has her reasons.. but to say yes then no.. V_V... Ouch... 

Currently feeling slightly numb..

I have had friends come over to see me tonight and I thank them for it was needed..

(I feel bad that chloe is most likely at home crying or feeling bad and that there is no one there helping her like I should be, but im just so hurt right now..)

I personally thought everything was fine..

I know its been only 2 years or so that we have been together and i know that I didn't exactly have to pop her the question ad it could have been in a better way than it was.. but in my eyes the only reason people would ever do something like that is because they want to spend the rest of their life with that person and they are 100% sure about that.

I have never been so sure about someone being the one in my life.. no.. better yet I have never been sure about ANYTHING in my life.. she is the one for me..

I know this and I was willing to shout it from the roof tops and ignore anyone that said otherwise..

She just is the one I'm ment to be with.. and I know she feels this too.. I just know it..

Problem is.. in my mind I wouldn't have even gona and brought the ring, let alone the fancy box, and given it to her, and been happy when she said yes.. none of that would have happened if I was not sure..

Even while I had friends over all I could think about was her and how i wish things were back to how they were just before I gave her that damn ring.

I miss her I truely do.. but I also feel so hurt that she isn't 100% sure about us..

Sure we "Clash" as she uts it.. be everyone does once and again.. even "my nan and grandad" do and "my mum and her BF" and "my dad and his wife".. its something thats never going to vanish.

And sure it sucks whe we chash and argue slighty.. but the thing is it is ever so slightly.. we dont scream and shout at each other we dont throw things... If anything we work it out as best as we can..

This is how I know it will work!

Even when I am angry at something I try not to let it out on her.. Sure I'll be pissed off and rant about the situation but I don't say "Its all your fault" because I know its not..

Like how the ring was half a size too small due to her finger size not being the same as it was last time she measured.. thats my fault.. the only problem was that there was nothing I could do about it and it made me angry..

I couldn't return it as the paperwork went through the wash because i was trying to hide it from her and forgot it was in the pocket.. and there was no way to resize it due to the stones in it..

I was so angry that the whole thing was a failure that to then hear the words from her that she thinks its too soon and that shes not 100% sure its right and then to walk out saying basicly that its over.. I mean WTH..

You can see why im hurt can you not....??

I have this amazing woman who i love more than words can describe, more than can be brought with money and more that can be created with drugs.. and I thought she felt the same for me..

I really thought love was real, but now it just seems like the cake..

A huge lie that people use for comfort..

You gt told about this sweet thing that you can have.. all you have to do is work hard to get to where it is and you can have it.. but the problem there is that even though you get told ohers have it and that its real, you cant actually see it for yourself and this getting your own Love/Cake is a impossible task because it just doesn't seem to exist anywhere...

I lost yet again...

What do i do?

Currently.. I'm stuck at home and cant sleep.. With a expensive ring and lovely box... Alone... Lost.. Confused.. and feeling like its never going to work out...

Someone who's not Chloe tell me its worth fighting for and i may just believe you.. but currently I don't know what to think ='[

(From Blog Post: Current Life In A Blog Shell )

A few things I personally would like fixed in my life rather than being as broken as they currently are:

Firstly would be my relationship with Chloe

She meant the world to me and I feel like i have lost her, I know she is hurting and so am I.. there is no excuse I can or will make as to why things are the way they are... they just have ended up this way and now I need to fix it. Question is how?

Sure you could say that we just need to work on it but without knowing EVERYTHING that gets to her and her knowing everything that gets to me we cant start work on making arrangements and compromising on those thing. You can't fix what you don't know is broken..

(From Blog Post: Where Things Stand And Why)

She was all I had ever hoped of and more.

I don't believe that anyone else on the earth could be as amazing as she is.

And although we have only been together about 2 years now I had seen before me a whole lifetime of happiness and something worth fighting for.

Her and me living together, saving up so we can afford a house, doing up the house together, pissing about while painting, writing Chloe-Bum <3 Jay face on the wall before laughing with each other and painting over it leaving that memory on the wall for us to see by no one else for the rest of out rime there, sitting down after a long day of work together and relaxing with the TV on watching shitty sit-coms or rom-coms with hot chocolate and marshmallows under a warm cover together curled up with a husky dog by our feet keeping them warm, Going away on holiday together with her family and laughing at silly things like me being caught off guard by a wave in the sea and her dad laughing at me all soaked, growing up with her family and having Rosey come over to ours occasionally and helping her with any problems she might be facing in life or college, having two adorable babies one boy and one girl (Leo and Lilly) and watching them grow up together, fighting over toys at a young age and the fighting over friends later on in life.

I see us growing old and being all wrinkly and yet still saying "I love you baba" and cuddling up together on a sofa smiling while looking into each others eyes remembering all our history together.

I see so much...

I saw it all..

Everything!

And I wished more than anything for it to become real.

I know we have been having a rough patch, and I know that its hard. Life throws these horrible things at us to remind us that we are but only human.

Today when Chloe told me its not going to work, 3 people died.. You see Lilly and Leo will not exist, and this whole future that I see will not happen... Everything I have been through over the past years and relationships will have been for nothing.. and I don't think its possible to see this future with anyone else.

So with my future dead.. so am I..

I know I am down and depressed at the moment, and I actually feel like I have nothing.. but tomorrow is the day I make a choice..

Tomorrow I will be going to see some people that can help me with many things that are wrong. Just like I said I would, and until she actually moves on with someone else I will believe that there is still a small flame inside her with my name on it waiting to burn bright again.

This flame is what shall keep me going no matter how small it may get...

(From Blog Post: Such A Strong Belief)

For such a long time I have never really understood why people are religious. The hole belief in god and the bible to me is WAY to un-realistic and something I personally can't believe. I have no proof that it is possible and the thought of it is in my opinion absurd.

Today however I had a massive hit of realization and I now understand.

You see someone who is religious doesn't have proof that something is true, they just believe it to be true.

Now normally I would say "How can you believe it to be true if you have no proof?" but not any more..

Me and Chloe are still not together, and there is no proof that we will work again. If anything I am trying like mad to make things work and fix it all and yet it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference. The thing is though, my entire body believes that it will work and that its supposed to be and that I should never give up because eventually it will happen.

I tried to describe it like this.

I can feel somehow that Chloe has a small part of her that believes this can work. I don't know how I can feel it but something tells me that there is still a small part of her that knows we can work. It feels like a tiny match flame burning inside her heart.

This tiny flame is what makes her believe that we can work.

Currently there is not enough believe there for her to give it a shot.

My flame however is not a small match sized flame inside my heart but rather it grew from a match flame and took over my heart, then it filled my whole insides, to then finally take over my entire body mind and even flow out of my body and shine out on to everything as if I was a guy completely on fire, engulfed in nothing but this belief that things will eventually work out and we can make it through this and we will work.

This feeling that I have is so strong that I cant control it. It takes over every thought I have and every action I do. Everything keeps screaming at me that "She is the one".

Now again I have no proof, I have no evidence to back up my thoughts, all I have is this feeling.. this "belief".

What I see is that Chloe has this small match sized flame burning away inside her heart and that although its small it still can grow. I have no proof, but I believe that if I can prove to her that I believe in this so much that slowly her belief will also start to grow and the flame will burn brighter and stronger.

If it takes me years to grow this flame large enough for her to feel it too then I shall spend years trying, I will never give up. Even if that flame goes out, I will try every day to re light it and have it burn bright again.

One day we will be like this..

Burning in a sea of trust in the belief that this is whats right and that it will work...

I just know it!

So yeah I have all these feelings and thoughts buzzing about in my head every time I see her..

Its something that I really need to get sorted. I know that she doesn't want to be hurt.. I mean who does right.. And I know she also doesn't want to hurt me.

I then feel stuck in a huge predicament.

You see she knows leaving me will hurt me, but at the same time if that's what she wants to do I know it would hurt her if she stayed.

So if she wants this relationship over then someone will get hurt.. I guess that was obvious though. Problem is we both don't want the other hurt.

I believe thought that we both do want this to work.. otherwise why would she still be letting me try?

A few days ago I promised her that i would meet her in town while she was on her lunch break. (her break was supposed to be at 4) This was also the same day I had to go to the doctors in the morning. (Thursday)

I went to the Doc's as you know and found out that her break was being moved to even later at 5PM.

I didn't care when It was.. I was going to keep my promise.

I ended up in town well to early and wandered about for a bit then went to go see her, when her lunch break finally started at 5, we went across to a small indoor market caffe thing where she brought some food.

We sat there for ages mainly me telling her that she means the world to me and that I wont give up as i just can't.. She didn't eat her food in the end, I guess she couldn't stomach it at the time. I tried telling her that he needed to eat it but she said she just couldn't. Her break finished and she expected me to go home. However I wasn't just about to say "Yeah there we go that's enough" I was going to do everything possible to make her see that she means that much to me. So I wandered off to see my brother at his work after telling her that I'd meet her when she finished work.

I didn't hang about my bros too long, felt awkward standing talking in his work, didn't want him in trouble. So I wandered about town with most of the shops closed and no money until she finished work.

I grabbed my brother and met a few other people and headed to her work so that I was there when she finished. (sure I was there a tad early but I didn't mind waiting).

Knowing that she most likely hadn't eaten I had brought her a Frijj milkshake and a maryland burger so she had something at least to eat.

We all took the bus back and she came to mine with everyone for a bit where we even ended up cuddling on the bus and while at mine. She even let me kiss her still.

I walked her home and stood in the cold with her for ages..... I then promised I would see her the next day...

And I did.

The next day came and I kicked the guys out so that I could head off and meet Chloe. We went into town to get her phone contract sorted, however I had other plans.

Now she was in town I told her that she had me in town with her for the rest of the day to do ANYTHING she wants. Cinema, meal, shopping..anything....

We ended up looking about a few shops and then went for a meal together.. It was possibly one of my favorite days with her. (we shall be doing the same again tonight on her birthday before she meets up with everyone)

The day felt perfect. Everything felt back to normal if not better.. problem is I knew it wasn't.

Even yesterday I saw her at Bumbles house and she lay there curled up with me on the sofa..

It feels fixed.. It feels right..

Yet its not. =[

I can't fix it all in one day.. I know it will take time.. Its just so confusing and it must be for her too.

So all I can do is hope that these days and the proof I show her will help to make that flame grow brighter and brighter..

I have no idea how this will play out.. but at least I can say I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to fix this..

She means that much..

Such a strong belief...

Today I had a epiphany..

You see, for such a long time I have never really understood why people are religious. The hole belief in god and the bible to me is WAY to un-realistic and something I personally can't believe. I have no proof that it is possible and the thought of it is in my opinion absurd.

Today however I had a massive hit of realization and I now understand.


You see someone who is religious doesn't have proof that something is true, they just believe it to be true.
Now normally I would say "How can you believe it to be true if you have no proof?" but not any more..


Me and Chloe are still not together, and there is no proof that we will work again. If anything I am trying like mad to make things work and fix it all and yet it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference. The thing is though, my entire body believes that it will work and that its supposed to be and that I should never give up because eventually it will happen.



I tried to describe it like this.



I can feel somehow that Chloe has a small part of her that believes this can work. I don't know how I can feel it but something tells me that there is still a small part of her that knows we can work. It feels like a tiny match flame burning inside her heart.


This tiny flame is what makes her believe that we can work.
Currently there is not enough believe there for her to give it a shot.





My flame however is not a small match sized flame inside my heart but rather it grew from a match flame and took over my heart, then it filled my whole insides, to then finally take over my entire body mind and even flow out of my body and shine out on to everything as if I was a guy completely on fire, engulfed in nothing but this belief that things will eventually work out and we can make it through this and we will work.


This feeling that I have is so strong that I cant control it. It takes over every thought I have and every action I do. Everything keeps screaming at me that "She is the one".




Now again I have no proof, I have no evidence to back up my thoughts, all I have is this feeling.. this "belief".

What I see is that Chloe has this small match sized flame burning away inside her heart and that although its small it still can grow. I have no proof, but I believe that if I can prove to her that I believe in this so much that slowly her belief will also start to grow and the flame will burn brighter and stronger.

If it takes me years to grow this flame large enough for her to feel it too then I shall spend years trying, I will never give up. Even if that flame goes out, I will try every day to re light it and have it burn bright again.



One day we will be like this..
Burning in a sea of trust in the belief that this is whats right and that it will work...




I just know it!

Lets sleep better tonight...

Sleeping last night was impossible.

I believe in some huge way it was my own fault, but it still bugged the crap out of me.

You know when you have things playing on your mind and you cant shift it, you usually end up thinking about it for ages and even before you go to sleep. Well even though I have loads of things that are getting to me at the moment, I had the worst thing possible sitting in my head while I tried to sleep..

If any of you have watched my iPlay's you may know that I have played a game called SCP-087-b. In this game you walk down a hallway for ages.. and creepy stuff happens.
If you have or even haven't watched them, check out this video.

In the above video there is a part at 3:40-3:50 that was playing over and over in my mind.

Last night I went to bed.
I lay there in the dark comfortable and thinking "aahhh its so nice to lay down". Then however I realized that it was dark and quiet. Now normally this wouldn't bother me, last night however all I could think of was the black guy with the mask.


I lay there with my eyes closed, and all I could think of was "Jay if you open your eyes he will be there at the end of your bed in the door way looking at you"... "Honestly Jay he's there"..
This was followed by "Don't be stupid he's not real.. its just not possible.. If I open my eyes I guarantee he won't be there.. its just not possible"
So in order to try and stop these stupid thoughts and prove myself right I opened my eyes and looked all around my room only to see that he wasn't there, just as I knew it would be.
So I closed my eyes again and tried to go back to sleep.
However then it happened again.. "Jay if you open your eyes he will be there at the end of your bed in the door way looking at you"... "Honestly Jay he's there".. followed by "Don't be stupid he's not real.. its just not possible.. If I open my eyes I guarantee he won't be there.. its just not possible"

So yet again I open my eyes to prove yet again that he isn't there..
This happened for about a hour..

Even though I knew full well that it isn't possible and that I was just being stupid I couldn't help but have this feeling that he was there and then that I had o prove that he wasn't.

I finally fell asleep after a long ass time of trying to prove he wasn't there only to fall asleep thinking of SCP's..

I can't remember all of my dream, but I remember that he was in it at some point, I also had a dream part where all photos would have red eyes that glowed, they would follow me around a room and get closer and closer.. and then I had a dream about the bed monster...http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-072



For some quick info here is a snippit of the SCP..

"Instances of SCP-072 have only been observed to manifest when a human (hereafter referred to as “the subject”) enters REM sleep while located in a bed ‘infected’ by SCP-072 and leaves a foot or feet exposed to open air. If these conditions are satisfied, SCP-072 will emerge from the foot of the bed and appear to use its pointer finger to ‘tap’ on the subject’s foot until they awaken. Subjects have reported that, at this point, they were unable to move, showing symptoms similar to sleep paralysis. This continues as long as SCP-072 is visible.
SCP-072 will then use its pointed fingers to cut portions of flesh from the exposed parts of the subject's foot or feet. It will return to within the bed in between each removal, emerging without the collected material. This will continue until SCP-072 has taken all of the exposed foot or feet, stopping at the ankle. Though subjects exposed to SCP-072 report this process to be immensely painful, its paralytic effects render them unable to scream or call for help. It is unknown if manifestations of SCP-072 feed on the collected material or use them for some other purpose. As long as the wounds are properly treated, SCP-072’s effects are not fatal, but have been observed to cause psychological damage relating to sleep in the future."

So I was having this dream where I was in my own bed and couldn't move with this "thing" at the bottom of my bed. I however knew I was dreaming and was trying to wake up just incase.. (don't ask why, I have no idea)
I thrashed about in my dream but wasn't moving... I could feel the thrashing about to try and run, or wake up.. but in my dream I was laying still.. It was such a strange feeling.. to be moving every part of your body and feel it but also to still be laying perfectly still.
Then without warning I woke up and realized I was in actual fact thrashing about in my actual bed.

I was covered in sweat, heart racing and I couldn't.. no I didn't want to sleep..

Dr, Dr, it seems I'm going crazy....

Well I spent all of last night trying to save what I have left of me and Chloe..

I'm hoping like mad that it works, but I guess only time will tell.

There has been a lot of stuff that has been getting to me and causing me to break down to the point of wishing I wasn't here anymore. (If you wish you can read them in some of my other posts). Today however is hopefully the first day of change.

I'm one of these people where I look at a problem and say "you caused it you can solve it." I don't like it when other people have to get involved as it makes me feel like I can't do the things I should be able to do. I also don't really like the idea of taking pills for something mentally related, such as depression. I feel like its just your mind making you be that way and that as long as you try hard enough you can change the way you think and get rid of the depression. I always thought that pills were the fake and placebo answer to problems. Well I guess I'll soon find out

I went to go see the Dr's today, I phoned up yesterday and booked in for a appointment with any Dr that would listen. I must have been in that room with them for a hour and a half talking about everything I could possibly think of.

There were two Dr's in the room. One was the main Dr that I was supposed to see and one was a very much older man who had a different air about him. We talked about things that have been getting me down, and all the things I feel. I told them everything from being depressed to the fact that I get paranoid at everything, like people whispering and laughing at me when I'm out of ear shot.

After the hour and a half they told me that it would be a wise idea to take a week off of work in order to get a few things settled and to let myself calm down. I was also to come back in a week to see them again where they would arrange for me to see a counselor, a psychiatrist and then they would also look at getting me medication but what medication I shall need they are not sure of just yet.

I'm hoping that things do get better. As much as I don't want to resort to medication, it might be my only shot at keeping me and Chloe going. So in that case I'm prepared to give anything a shot.

Things need to change.
Fingers crossed hey...

Where things stand and why....

3 people died today.
And one of those people was me.

This morning I was having problems sleeping, mainly because my mind was still active and thinking. It was thinking a lot about having to be wake so early for work but most of my mind was buzzing away thinking about everything that I had said in "Current life in a blog-shell...."

In it I rant a lot about how I feel that people get me down a lot but towards the end I make a small list of things I want o try and "fix". Sitting at the very top of this list is was my relationship with Chloe, for to me this was the most important one of them all.

You see, life has been throwing things at me ever since I was young. I have been bullied throughout all of my schools, I have lived in a broken family consisting of my mum, me and a few new boyfriends of hers who I never much got along with. Many of which looked down on to me because I "got in the way", "wasn't theirs", "was something that they couldn't handle" or just because they were bigger than me. This eventually lead to her having a boyfriend called Simon who would bully me and at a young age, chase me into my room and raise a fist to me threatening me to "do as I was told". Thankfully she left him and found a new guy, Mr B who wasn't that bad. We still clashed and I ended up having to run away from home so that my mum could finally be happy with someone. If I had of stayed then he would have left because we clashed that much, and because my mum was actually happy for a change, I just couldn't do that to her.
In a result of me moving out from home I missed out on my GCSE Exams and ended up moving all the way from Norwich to a new alien place called Leicester to live with my dad at the age of 15 just before my 16th birthday.
Things were awkward as it was because I hardly knew the family that well, and they had recently had 2 new babies. I was effectively invading their life and making huge changes that they had not planned for.
For you see they were used to having a 3 bedroom council house to them self, just Pete, Jenny and Jack. Then suddenly they go from a structured and working household to having two new babies and a 15-16 year old lad move in and not much room for their usual lifestyle. As you may have guessed Jenny and Pete had one bedroom, which was only fair. The babies needed a room for them, which again made perfect sense, and Jack had his room.
This room had been Jacks for a very long time. It would be his haven in some way, the place where he can vanish to and block out the world if need be. His own personal space.
But with nowhere to put me I had to go somewhere... I ended up staying in jacks room for a while which was nice because it gave me the chance to grow a better understanding of my brother I had never met, but I also felt bad for invading his space, plus I had no space of my own.
Eventually I was transferred from jacks room to the utility room off from the kitchen. It was small and cramped, but at least I had my own space.
In this room I had my fold up bed, my PC and then a bunch of other things that they had to have in there, such as a washing machine, tumble dryer, fridge, filing cabinet and a dishwasher. I felt as though I was living out of a box, it was not their fault, for they were only doing what they could, but  none the less it didn't feel like home. I had lost that... along with my mum..

Things got quite heated while living there and eventually one day I was told that I was being kicked out at the age of 16, less than a year of being there. I ended up talking with my college at the time and they helped me move into a hostel. By this point I felt more than lost and abandoned, I actually felt like I was alone and to fend in this world on my own for good.

Up until this point in my life I had had a few Girlfriends, nothing ever too serious.
Alex: She was stunning, also a sister of a friend of mine. It was kinda awkward because she was in Norwich and I had moved to Leicester. I had told her that she was worth fighting for because she was lovely to me, and her personality was fantastic. She was slightly rock chick and yet sweet and innocent. Looking like a Avril Lavigne. The last time I went to see her in Norwich I vowed to her that I would come back for her and that I would never forget her. I told her that I would come back every year at least the once so I could see her... I even gave her my trivium ring and said "look after this, and I promise I'll come back to get it".
I went back to Leicester and a month or so passed.. It was at that point where I found out that she didn't love me anymore and told me over text that we were over. I never saw her again.

I actually went back to Norwich to try and fix things up with her, but that failed. It was at this point that I met...

Chloe Fisher: She was a lot younger than me. Only 13 at the time while I was 16. I got a lot of grief for that, but I didn't care. We met on a half pipe the day I had come to see if I could fix things with Alex. I knew nothing about her, all I knew was that she liked the music that I was playing on my MP3 speakers. She had a friend with her who shouted at me while I went to walk away with my friend Connor. She told me that Chloe fancied me.. Now at the time I was hurting slightly and felt lost, then this girl who loves the same music as I did and was cute has a thing for me. I told them that I had only just come out of a relationship and that I wasn't even sure if it was completely over. I then said "I have to go see someone today to find out if it is defiantly over, but if your here tomorrow I'll let you know."
Needless to say Alex never saw me and wouldn't answer my calls. So I hung out with Chloe with Connor that day. Things were nice, we had a connecting in music, and had a laugh at a lot of stuff, she was a huge guitar hero geek and played a real guitar in  a band. It was nice.
I ad already said to myself that because she was young I wouldn't do anything out of respect for  her, I would wait and let her take things at her own pace.. usually we would just sit in the field and cuddle up there, me keeping her warm in my hoody and arms, or we would watch a film round my mums or hers again just cuddled up.

Sadly to say one day while I was in Leicester I got a text from Connor. Apparently Chloe was seeing someone else and hadn't even told me. This was long distance relationship 3 that failed.

I gave it some time for my mind to get over the fact that I had just been used and then left behind, an then I started looking more local.

Rhian: I met her at college. In my first year. She was again in to rock music and was out there.. Very loud and bossy. I didn't mind. I enjoyed the fact that I had managed to find someone again and hat this someone got on well with my college friends and was in to the same stuff as me. This one however didn't last long. You see she had issues.. MAJOR issues.. she was depressed 24/7, we personally believe it was for attention. it turned out that her depression rubbed off on to me, causing me by this point to feel like a shit boyfriend and even being driven to the point of self harm. One day she even turn round and walked me to a bridge and told me that "If she means that little to her then I should just jump".
Turns out though that it was the other way around. I actually meant that little to her. You see she was not only seeing me but also this chick who was in a relationship with some guy, and she lied about it for ages until the other person confessed it all. She then went as far as to get with another chick not long after. Sending dirty texts and again lying to my face. I put up wit it longer than I should have.. I suppose I was scared to be alone again.
I finally ended it with her and she tried putting me on a guilt trip, saying it was all my fault and that I don't give a shit about her.. she even went as far as getting me suspended from college because everyone else looked down on her because of what she had done.
It was at this point that I was at a very low point. I had nothing again in terms of a relationship and everyone stood by me through this point.

This is where I get sent to a hostel.. I was low.. really low, but then shows up....

Em J: Now she was lovely. Older than me by 3 years at the age of 20 nearly 21, she was in a relationship with a guy called James H. Things weren't going to well with them. You see we talked a lot. we were each others own personal councilor helping make sense of the world. While I was going through my rough patch with Rhian she was there telling me that it will work out, making me know I was in the right and doing the right thing. Then when she found out I was being kicked out of my home she was worried about me.. a lot.
Things between her and James H ended 3 days before I had to move into the hostel. Some friends had been looking after some of my stuff. He had my PC and desk, while Em J had nothing. When it came to the day of the move she and James turned up with a car to help me move in. and while we were getting in the car she said "I like you" I just took it as a simple your a good friend thing, and said "yeah I know", but thats when she said "... no.. I really like you".
My world flipped again. James H was there and probably heard it, to this day I will never know, but what hit me was that someone so caring and lovely actually liked me.
We lasted ages (So it felt) and things had never felt so right. We were always happy and laughing, we had our own sayings and would meet up when ever we could. We shared problems and worked through them together, she supported me and believed I could do anything, sure she wasn't into rock music, she didn't dress like a rock chick, and she lived in a world of disney with dreams of Prince charming coming to save her one day, but she told me and believe it that I was him.
Things were amazing!
Problem was her family didn't approve and not much longer after she and I had to break up. We were both in bits.
You see even to this day I know that inside her is a small flame that sits there with my name on it keeping her warm.. the memories that we had were amazing and unforgettable. We will always still be in each others heart although we both know we cant work.
Currently I can't see her and haven't had contact in 4-5 years because she knows that even the sight of me makes he upset knowing she wants me but we can't.

So there I was on a high only to crash back down again. She told me I had to move on, we both had to.
And so I did. and it was the worst thing I could have done.
For you see that's where I met...

Lucy: Oh Lucy... she was sweet, I admit... cute even, and she was lovely and caring too. We spent 3 years together and the first 1 and a half were good.
Sure I didn't have the same feelings for her as I did Em J. I didn't think that was possible but I thought they would grow with time. Oh how I was wrong.
She was my age and close to my friend group, a lot about her reminded me of Em J and Alex. She was different like Em J, what with liking chav music and dressing "normal" and she was kind and caring. All in all she was a nice person. problem here is she wasn't the one for me.
She got depressed way to easy, she took everything badly, she constantly thought I wanted Em J, and no matter how hard I tried I found my self always trying to make her smile. I got so much grief off of her family, because I was "Different" because I had lived in a hostel and had no job. but I was working on it. I was trying hard. I managed to get a flat and kitted it out, things were going well college wise, and it was on a up.. the only thing was the relationship after 1 and a half years hit a low.
Nothing she did made me smile. Every day I was worried about her, wondering when the next time I would do something wrong to upset her, hearing that me not having a job was so bad even though I was trying.
It got to the point where I spent a year or so wishing we were over. I was forcing myself to be with her all because of a ring.
Just before the 3 year mark we split, and I have never felt so relieved in my life.

Everyone was telling me that I needed to get out but the person who finally helped me get there was...

Chloe:...

..

You see I have had my fair share of relationships. I have seen the ups and downs. I know whats good and bad and I have finally seen through these lies that I get fed and know what I truly want.

I have made a lot of mistakes, and been through some rough times, and I thought I had found the end to it all.

I had in my mind a vision.. A vision of my future and what I wanted in it. I didn't have a person or a name to put with this vision.. Just expectations.

You see I wanted someone that I could be my self around, without worrying that they wanted someone else and not me. I wanted someone that I could talk to about any problem that I had and listen to theirs and help each other though it. I wanted someone who I could lay with for hours not saying a word but just feeling happy knowing that they feel the same. I wanted someone that smiled when I try and help them through things and accepts the help. Someone who understands me and listens and learns more about me every day. I wanted someone I was happy and comfortable with daily, where I knew that even if we had ups and downs we could talk about it and support each other by being mature, respectful, understanding, kind, honest, loving, trust worthy, genuine, affectionate, dependable on our self as well as the other, sociable, reliable, generous, polite... and so much more..

I had no name or face to this thing that I wanted.. I honestly didn't think it would exist, and then Chloe showed up and broke all laws of nature by being all those things and more.
Stunning, interesting, knowledgeable, in to artistic photography, playful, shy, cute, sexy, classy, hard working, loyal, beautiful.

All in all she was perfect.

She was all I had ever hoped of and more.
I don't believe that anyone else on the earth could be as amazing as she is.
And although we have only been together about 2 years now I had seen before me a whole lifetime of happiness and something worth fighting for.

Her and me living together, saving up so we can afford a house, doing up the house together, pissing about while painting, writing Chloe-Bum <3 Jay face on the wall before laughing with each other and painting over it leaving that memory on the wall for us to see by no one else for the rest of out rime there, sitting down after a long day of work together and relaxing with the TV on watching shitty sit-coms or rom-coms with hot chocolate and marshmallows under a warm cover together curled up with a husky dog by our feet keeping them warm, Going away on holiday together with her family and laughing at silly things like me being caught off guard by a wave in the sea and her dad laughing at me all soaked, growing up with her family and having Rosey come over to ours occasionally and helping her with any problems she might be facing in life or college, having two adorable babies one boy and one girl (Leo and Lilly) and watching them grow up together, fighting over toys at a young age and the fighting over friends later on in life.
I see us growing old and being all wrinkly and yet still saying "I love you baba" and cuddling up together on a sofa smiling while looking into each others eyes remembering all our history together.

I see so much...
I saw it all..
Everything!

And I wished more than anything for it to become real.

I know we have been having a rough patch, and I know that its hard. Life throws these horrible things at us to remind us that we are but only human.

Today when Chloe told me its not going to work, 3 people died.. You see Lilly and Leo will not exist, and this whole future that I see will not happen... Everything I have been through over the past years and relationships will have been for nothing.. and I don't think its possible to see this future with anyone else.
So with my future dead.. so am I..

I know I am down and depressed at the moment, and I actually feel like I have nothing.. but tomorrow is the day I make a choice..

Tomorrow I will be going to see some people that can help me with many things that are wrong. Just like I said I would, and until she actually moves on with someone else I will believe that there is still a small flame inside her with my name on it waiting to burn bright again.

This flame is what shall keep me going no matter how small it may get...

Current life in a blog-shell....

Well.. For the past week or so now I have started to wonder if I should even bother with anything any more.

You see so many things seem to go wrong, and a much as people try to say "It's just because you're being stupid", I personally feel its because some things are just bound to happen.

I'm now currently in a state of mind where i don't know if I can be bothered to put up with it any more. It seems that no matter how many times I solve something I get another thing thrown in my way, and people, rather than be supportive, tend to sit back and laugh while telling me that I had it coming and that they are so much better than I am even though they make mistakes just as bad as i do at times in their life.

I tend to usually sit back and solve the issues I have without even attempting anything else so as to avoid getting more problems. This usually means that I stop socializing and focus on the things that are going wrong and patch it up.. a bit like my 10 steps in 13 simple steps to what pile of crap


Here's my problem though.

I get into a rough patch where I have a few things that need to be sorted (for what ever reason). I then try to step back and solve them.. just like I did when I was going through that really bad patch about a month ago. Things then worked out okay to some extent and I was able to feel good for a while. Sure I still had a few things I would have liked to fix up, but I thought that enough was sorted so that I could reintegrate into my social life rather than missing out on people.

Turns out though that even though I had manage to get through a rough patch and was fine for 2-3 weeks you then find that people love to bring you crashing back down again.

This usually is because they them self are feeling pressure of some sort, be it exams, diets, social life, work... and so in order to feel better about them self they look at others and try to see how their life is "So much better off that you".

It's understandable to look at another persons life and think "Thank god I haven't got a messed up relationship like that" or "Thank god I have a job I enjoy", but when you then turn round to that other person that you are comparing yourself to and tear them down by reminding them that they have all these bad things, it really does no good..

Sure even I do it, I won't lie. The only thing is that lately I have tried to do it less because I understand how bad it can be. If you read something in my blog about it however then "tough shit" because you were warned in the very start that these are my thoughts and you may be offended.

I try to say things how they are and yet also try to give some constructive information of some sorts with it, but lately all I have seem to have gotten from people is "hey jay do you realize your life is fucked? How about you go hang yourself rather than waste your life making us all miserable", and in all honesty its quite fucking tempting.

I have currently cut my self off from a lot of people, not because I hate them or because they are people I don't want to be around, but because I am fed up with people constantly reminding me how I make them feel bad when they do the exact same thing to so many others too. I even turned round today when being asked to meet up with everyone and said that I would rather not because I wouldn't want to spoil peoples mood.

For you see I am very close to snapping.. and I honestly don't mean the "I'm going to shout at you or blog about my anger" I'm way past that stage now and simple things like "Hey look at how your hurting Chloe" when I clearly know how shit things are between us at the moment, really make me want to leave you all behind and let you live your oh so happy life without me in it.

Would that honestly make you all happy, if I just got up one day, saw a message and thought "fuck it I can't be doing with this any more" and hung my self or jumped out my window. Would it?

If so then by all means let me know and I'll fucking do it. I'm sick of you all trying to tell me that I hurt you when in fact you don't seem to realize how much you all have been hurting me lately. Maybe one day you might just realize.

I know there are a few (and I mean few) of you that have actually cared and tried helping me through this and I would like to thank you for your efforts. It has not gone unheard and it has not been wasted.. for you see I am still currently here.
You few people are the people that this world needs. People with respect and understanding that sometimes enough is just enough.

...

Now I know there are some of you reading this blog and thinking "Oh here we go again.. another bitchy blog", but in all honesty this is simply here for one reason only.

You ether read this blog post because you were concerned about me OR you read it in spite and for some ammo to throw at me. For those people that feel they are the concerned, I would like to say thanks and hopefully things will work out and I can support you one day. As for the others that feel they read this post for ammo.. give it your best shot... honestly go ahead.. and I promise that when your finished I wont hurt one bit, in fact the only thing that will change will be that you get your fucking wish, question is will you actually feel guilty?

...

A few things I personally would like fixed in my life rather than being as broken as they currently are:

Firstly would be my relationship with Chloe
She meant the world to me and I feel like i have lost her, I know she is hurting and so am I.. there is no excuse I can or will make as to why things are the way they are... they just have ended up this way and now I need to fix it. Question is how?
Sure you could say that we just need to work on it but without knowing EVERYTHING that gets to her and her knowing everything that gets to me we cant start work on making arrangements and compromising on those thing. You can't fix what you don't know is broken..

Another thing I would lie to fix would be my productivity..
I don't have much free time due to work hours, and when I am free it seems that I never get all the things I would like to get done because I am usually sitting about thinking too much about what the hell I should do in order to solve my problems. By the time I have a answer, I then have to wait days until I have a day off from work to put that in action.

My relationship with Family is crap. I say family because I have 3 family's that I want to build the relationships with, however I find it hard to do that when I have so many other things that I have to do or think about and then when I do try it all seems pointless because its not for a long enough period of time.
I want to start seeing Chloe's family more (this is one of the things I know will help the relationship) however its having the free time when they are also free and  the fact that currently I have a huge hang up about going over there due to recent events and the fact that all my past Ex's family's have never liked me. It becomes a mental block..
I would also like to see my mum properly and my nan and granddad, seeing as I haven't seen them in ages. it almost feels as though they don't exist any more even though they do. It doesn't feel the same as when I used to see then 3 times a year at least and stay over for a week or so.. i feel like I have lost the connection with them and by doing so it also feels like I have lost connections with my childhood.. almost as though a part of me has died.
And finally there is my dads side of the family that I currently feel so distant from that its unbelievable. Due to a recent incident between me and y step mum I feel almost as though I'm unwanted there. (be it true or not). I don't intend to upset people in the family and i feel shitty that I have, currently to the point where i don't know how angry they are with me. My fault I guess..
I then also feel as though I have a brother (Jack) that accepts me as a brother but I'm starting to feel we clash too much, its something i want to sort out and fix the brotherly bond again. I'm not saying I don't feel hes my brother, just that I feel as though he would be better off without me about. Then with Ollie and eve, I feel even less of a brother.. i mean sure they see me some days when I start or finish work and they are playing in the street, but I feel useless because I don't feel like I'm there for them enough.. i'm the big brother after all, and yet I hardly see them. =[

Work is an ongoing thing that I want to patch up and be better at.
I'm okay with the fact that I work where I work and the hours aren't too bad now. However I keep getting this huge anger build up inside me because its not getting me anywhere. I want to be progressing in life and yet I feel stuck with no way to advance. A job in computers would be nice, or even a shitty job but with better pay so I can actually save up some cash for a house or something, but currently I have a shitty job that gains me no experience to progress to a better job and the pay is barely enough to pay for all the bills. I'm progressing no where.

My social life is on hold at the moment due to the stress of other issues that I would rather fix first than be reminded of every time I see people. Sure I could go see people and them be warned that I don't exactly want to talk about X,Y,Z but they shouldn't have to tip toe about just so that I can be happy. I would rather they were able to be them self and have fun without being on edge that they may upset or anger me. (thus the not going out today).
I also feel like my social group needs to expand. (Nothing against you guys as your all awesome) but I need to find another group of people that you don't know so that I can learn new things meet new people and all in all talk about things that are fresh topics.

As you can see there are a lot of things that I want to do.. these are still only a very few of them..

Take this post how ever you want.. it is simply here to express my thoughts.
Just as I intended them to be.