Monday, 10 December 2012

Home » , , , , , , , » Me in a HUGE nut shell

Me in a HUGE nut shell

Last update: 19/12/12 @ 14:43
(added to music +List, games and TV shows +List and added things that i fear +List of films)

Right lets start this shit and see how far I get..
Firstly if you haven't done so you might want to watch the video on this page

When it comes down to music there isn't really a few words I could use to sum up what kind of music I like and why. I like lots of different types of music. Most of the stuff I like is in the "Rock/indie/grunge" group with things like Linkin park's original tracks, or Avenged Sevenfold's tunes. I say these two bands for a reason.

LinkinPark was a major part of my life when I was younger. I loved the music style for a start. There was something about it that was catchy, maybe the fact that it was Rock sounding but with a pinch of industrial and keyboard. Either way I loved the sound of the music. The next thing that made me love this band what the lyrics.
While going through my teens (13-17) I was going through a lot of stuff. I had a lot of home issues as well as school ones, and I needed an outlet of sorts. I wasn't the violent type and I didn't really like to let my feelings out as I knew it would usually get people upset or hurt. So I turned to music, and I have to say the lyrics in LinkinPark's songs were so relatable that just by listening to them was enough to express how I was feeling.

Avenged Sevenfold's music was also a band that I loved. I guess it was the first major band that I had heard that I couldn't stop listening to the guitar. I remember hearing Beast And The Harlot and thinking "Wow.. the guitar in this is sweet as, wish I could play like that." Then I heard the song Seize The Day and it was such a catchy song with brilliant lyrics that I just fell in love with the band.

When listening to music I tend to like the songs that has either a really meaningful set of lyrics that I can relate to during either my past or a current situation OR it is something with a seriously catchy tune, possibly a brilliant guitar solo.
For example:
Dragonforce's Through the fire and the flames is a amazing tune, not for its lyrics but because I love the speed playing solos in the song. The guitar solo is catchy and impressive. It was one of the first songs that I had heard a guitar solo like that and I was impressed.
There is something about guitar solos that are pulled off right that makes me love the song no matter what.

Linkin Park's In The End lyrics and Papa Roach's Scars lyrics are some seriously well used words that I personally can relate to and they help me to sum up how I might be feeling. If you have ever heard them and been through a rough time at some point in your life I can guarantee that the lyrics will really hit home.

I tend to have a track for everything. I can be in a mood (good or bad) and I would have a song that fits that mood perfectly. Be it the actual tune itself or the lyrics in the song.
When your fed up with your Girlfriend
Start a good night out with chav friends who like more dance etc than rock
A few of my Ex's
Aimed at a Ex
Drunk as hell
Seriously in love with someone
When rejected even though you were really nice to her

That's just a very small example of tracks I have that personally fit the situation perfectly. Its not fantastic, but I'd rather carry on writing this massive post that hunt through my song lists. Plus a lot of the songs I can think of will be ones that relate to me currently rather than ones I have previously related to.

I don't just like Rock music though, even though that seems to be all I have really posted.
I like basically anything as long as it has one of the above 2 things (good lyrics or good tune).
Here are a few different types of bands that I like, with some of my fave tracks that they play.
(Found using my itunes playlist)

A side link to music is the fact that I play guitar.
I'm not amazing at it, and I have never had any lessons for it, I'm completely self taught. I tend to pick up a track I like by ear and then try to remake it, if that fails I find the tab and then play that until I get good at it. I haven't really been trying much or for long. I first got my guitar when I was 16 (6 years ago) and I guess I pick it up for about a month and a bit a year. Like I said.. nothing amazing. Mainly because I tend to do loads of things like coding, hanging out with friends and working. So playing my guitar becomes a odd thing I do if I'm REALLY bored.
I never really try and learn everything about guitar playing, just how to play the tunes I like.

Chloe brought me RockSmith for our 2 year anniversary gift. So I play my guitar on that every now and again, but I love Guitar Hero, but I'll leave that for a games section.

My dad is also in a covers band.. or 2 or 3.. he's been in loads, and hes fucking good at it too. He used to have a music studio and I used to work down there. Music really is a huge part of who I am. To such a point that I'm actually typing this to Gorillaz - Dirty Harry in iTunes, 1 of my over 21 thousand tracks. (oh its now Bullet For My Valentine - 10 years today)
Anyway, music has had a huge impact in my life thus why my online name is "Musical"-Phoenix.

When I go out somewhere I tend to like my music as loud as I can have it. If its at a pub I like it loud enough to hear it over the noise but not so loud that you can't talk without having to scream at people in the ears.
However if its being played at a gig or something where the whole point is you're there for the music, then "Crank it up loud!"
When I was in school I was smart as fuck, so I would usually sit in class with headphones in so I could block out everyone else and just get on with my work. You have no idea how much that helped.
I would be in a maths class and I would pop in my headphones and within seconds I had blocked out everyone, even the teacher, but they didn't mind because I would open up my maths book and finish all the work before the teacher had even finished explaining to the class what we were doing. Some classes didn't let me play my music and converscated my MP3 player. This would mean that I didn't focus and was easily distracted by pretty much everything.

A few great bands are.. (mainly rock but I honestly listening to all sorts)
30 Seconds to mars, Atreyu, A7X, Artic Monkies, Biffy Clyro, Blue October, Breaking Benjamin, BFMV, DeadMou5 Demitori, Disturbed, Dragonforce, Eighteen Visions, Funeral for a friend, Greenday, Linkin park, Rise Against, Trivium, you get the idea :P

I love my music that much that I found a awesome way of making playlists for itunes. I then show how I made them using Photoshop in a simple and easy to follow image. (Remember I have over 21 thousand track, so the playlists are kind of needed)
I try as best as I can to rate all my music with star ratings so that I can keep the best tracks playing, however because I have so much music I tend to not listen to half of it because they don't have a star rating.

Recently I lost all my ratings and play-counts. Luckily I managed to retrieve the file that had it saved in and I have now coded a small batch file that backs up my ratings and play counts daily so that I don't loose them again.
Because honestly with no stars or play counts its basically impossible to listen to it all. There are just too many different types of music and so many tracks that it just doesn't sound right.

Tip: Right click the image, Copy Image URL, Paste URL into a new tab to view image at max size.

I'm also one of those guys that can't have single tracks from random bands. I have to have the whole album. If the album is missing a track I will know and I then hunt it down even if I don't like that track. I know that there are loads of people out there that will download a track off from youtube convert it to mp3 and fill their mp3 player up with just those single tracks, but I just can't do that.
Sure my phone has single tracks from albums, but that's due to lack of space. When it comes to my computer though I have to rip the whole CD to the computer and it has to be saved correctly.

(Folder) Music
(Inside Music Folder) Artist - Album Name
(Inside Album Folder) Track number - Track Name.mp3

I actually brought this program called TuneUpMedia. I like all my music to have the cover art, perfect labels and everything. I still have loads left to do, but its worth the hassle ^_^

Although I have a lot of music I am always looking for new bands. There are most likely a few bands that you could name, thinking I would know them, and yet I most likely wont due to having that much music.. haha
Sometimes people say "Hey have you heard of such and such" and I'll be all "No cant say I have" then when they play a track I'll be all "Oh actually I have this on my computer" haha
If you have read this far and think your music taste is awesome and that I should listen to some of them then feel free to scroll to the bottom and leave a comment with a few bands names and I'll be sure to check them out. Be it Rock, Drum and Bass, Hip hop or any thing ;)

This is a playlist of some of the tunes I used to listen to over the years and that I like.. Maybe I don't like every Song the bands made.. but these songs were good.
(I might add some more to this play list if I am ever in the mood, but usually I just stick to my iTunes)

This is a playlist that I made for that special someone that meant a lot to me.
(I might add some more to this play list if I am ever in the mood, but usually I just stick to my iTunes)

Here are a few of my 5* tracks and the play counts for them..
(Remember I have over 21 thousand tracks to play through.. so having even 3 plays is an achievement)

(All my music)

Well that's the music section done for now I guess unless I update it all over again like I have done a few times. Time for the next topic.

I'm sticking with entertainment for now, I'll get to personal memories and stuff later.
I love playing games. All kinds of games. I do however get bored of them fast. Maybe its because a lot of the games seem to be the same as all the others but just a different (shitty) plot or maybe its because I just find it hard to focus on doing something for long periods of time. (although that being said I'm doing quite well with the post)
My favorite type of game has to be a RPG of sorts. Something where you play a character that you level up. I'd say this because you feel a sense of progress while playing. For example, Final Fantasy 7 has got to be one of my top 10 games, if not top 5. The whole feeling of being this weak guy who wants to fight for whats right and then ending up being a hero that people look up to and someone strong and who can protect is amazing.
It has some strange feeling of satisfaction to help the character grow. Other ways of this being done well was things like Zelda where the character "Link" didn't actually grow and level up but you got new things and extra hearts which allowed you to do more things. It was the whole sense of becoming better and going from nothing special to someone amazing.
However games like Call Of Duty don't really have that aspect. I do still play these games, but not for that long. I have for example Black Ops 2.. I got it when it came out. and I'm bored of it.. I know you get better gun attachments, but the game play never advances. Its always "run about the map and shoot the bad guys".. same maps, same guns.. LAME.
I do however like the Nazi Zombies that they did, where it was arcade like, you take down a wave and then they get stronger each time.
I actually wanted to be a games developer, I took up coding in C++ and signed up to a company called Train2Game, where I would get course material that I could do to learn how to become a games programmer. The problem I had though was I got really into it and then I started a full time job and I had to put it to one side. I was in a team called The-Elite, we started on a few games and I even made a few solo, never finished them mind you..
Hey D.R.O.N.E Collider <- semi finished
First attempt at putting together a rpg/game <-- Just test work
I do still code stuff, but I'm not skilled enough to actually help make a game.. (Yet)

I guess I like my classics, like Links Awakening, Diablo 1, Sonic etc :P
The first game device that I had was a Commador 64, if you even remember those things :)
I remember playing all sorts of games on it, they were all simple and easy to understand. From that I then went on to a Saga and would play games like Sonic 1 and 2, Mickey moused haunted house game, Rocket Knight, Golden Axe 1 and 2, Toejam and Earl and a few other games that I can't remember the names of.. like one of a guy that traveled the world, it was a side scroller where you had a skateboard on some levels and a peddle flying machine to get about other levels.. brilliant game.
From the Saga I went to a PS1 and a Gameboy, where I played Diablo 1, FF7, Pokemon, Wario Land and many more.
I never owned a Gamecube or Nintendo, but I remember playing them a lot round friends houses. Then from PS1
There's something about the simple sprite games that gets me hooked. Even now there are games that come out and are simple like the Pixel Junk games that are simple yet so addictive.
Even most facebook games get people addicted and their quite simple if you think about it. Perfect example is angry birds.
Another thing about games is I get seriously competitive... no honestly... SERIOUSLY COMPETITIVE!!!
I can sit there for days trying to beat someones score if I know its possible and close to what I'm getting. I have no idea why but I always have the urge to keep playing until I can say "Hey I beat your score". Most of the time people stop playing, and that sucks, but the best times are when they then turn round and say "You wait I'll beat it".. because then when they beat my score it keeps up the playing for longer and things can get extreamly tense. haha Like for example if you have been playing a game and you cant beat their score and you always get 1 or 2 points away.. so you know its possible but you just cant seem to make it happen... then ... BAM! you beat it by say 3 points and then you have a huge grin on your face and the challenge is passed on hahaha.
I apsolutly love Guitar hero.. I do get bored of it, but only because no one can seem to play at the same level as me (hard). I have nearly all of them including the drums and mic. I usually play it while drunk and I'll start on a medium track like Rise against, then after 2-3 tracks I'll always end up on Dragon-force medium ^_^

I love most Square Enix games.
For example, Kingdom Hearts!! AMAZING game. I have both one and two, and i have to say, when i heard that it was a Disney game I was all.. "Ewww no!" but they actually had a good plot to it and the characters worked well.
To be fair I think it was Square Enix that made it work though. What with having FF7's Cloud in it and shit OMFG :P
That being said I loved Drakengard 1 and 2 and FF games.. Like seriously, if there is one company that I would have to love for their games it would be Square Enix/Soft. I have to admit that the plots for their games have gone down hill lately and are starting to suck, I would much rather play Cathrine, Xenoblade, Brawl etc than the new FF13.2

Here is a small list of games I remember being awesome:
Pokemon Red,Blue,Yellow
Mario the search for the golden coins
Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3
Links Awakening
Wave race

Playstation 1:
Diablo 1
Worms Armigeddon
Skull monkies
TOMBI 1 and 2!
Abe's odd and ex
Medievil 1 and 2
Legacy of kain
Hogs of war
Crash bandicoot

Playstation 2:
Dot Hack
Balders gate
Cel Damage
Devil May Cry 1 2 and 3 (2 being poor though)
Drakenguard 1 and 2
Dark cloud
Kingdon Hearts 1 and 2




Read this for a start..
I love films, Mainly ones that really do get you thinking about stuff. You know the ones where you don't want to go have a loo break just encase you miss something important or a plot twist.
Some of these awesome films are things like "Limitless" "88 minutes" "Conspiracy Theory" Defendor" The Butterfly Effect" "Donny Darko"
Anything that gets the brain ticking.
I get really motivated for some reason when I watch Limitless. I guess I know why, its because the guy manages to make his brain work like crazy.. might even put it on in a second and see if it helps me write more stuff here.
I also have a thing for Comedy films, Sifi, Rom-Coms... jesus, pretty much most films to be fair. Not too keen on the predictable ones though, or the every day films like Yogi Bear, Hop etc. Kids stuff basically. Yet I do watch them.
I mean lately there was that film taht came out, the neighborhood watch one, and as much as I do like the actors I personally get bored of those films. They are too common. You know what I mean??
I guess not. Basically its a simple story that you can predict miles off and you could sum up the whole plot in about one line. So basicly any film with way too many major actors is a turn off. I guess its because they usually play the same kind of character in every film. The "slightly loony retarded, guy that feels the need to show off and act stupid even though hes actually just trying to save the day." Like meet the fockers.. its good but meh.. where as Extracted, Looper and even Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter are quite good films.
Hopefully you get the idea.
I'm usually a fan of the classics like dark crystal, willow, labyrinth, back to the future, bill and ted and the 5th element and when they get remade like "Total recall" I tend to prefer the story of the original.
Yeah I'm odd. I know.

I love anime's too. Things like Howls moving castle, sprited away, ponyo, ghost in the shell, akira, paprika and bleach.
Something about anime gets me. I don't know what it is but there are some seriously good stories out there. Take DeathNote for example, and Full Metal Alchemist, they have some amazing ideas for a story and they portray it well. I watched all of death note and then watched the live action films and almost cried at the end.. they killed it the end sucked.. the original was so much better.

A few films I used to watch loads when I was younger were things Like matilda, small soliders, the 6th day, dragon heart, conspiracy theory and sleepy hollow.
I have never really been a disny fan. If anything I guess when I was a kid they made me feel bored. I knew what was going to happen and they were tooo predictable. The story just was never gripping enough, I would have preferred to watch Dune, sleepy hollow, water ship down or even little nicky.

(All the films I have or have seen)


TV Shows:
Best show ever has got to be the TV show Chuck. It has such an amazing character growth that you actually start to feel part of the story and connect with the characters. I have watched it about 3 times through now because its just that amazing and I would honestly say that if you haven't watched it then you seriously should do. I would have said my last relationship was just like Chuck and Sarah, however it also involved Chuck (me) being heartbroken to a point that id say just as bad.
I could go on about how amazing this series is and make a whole essay about it, it seriously is a must watch.
Anyway more shows I like..
When I was younger and still living with my mum I used to watch Buffy the Vampire slayer with her, I loved the whole magic and demon like stuff. This was one of my most favorite shows as a kid and when I wasn't watching Buffy I would be watching Charmed, Roswell, Taken.. anything that was sifi.
Before I got into these I used to watch things like the show Quantum leap and Sliders. They were both shows where people used science like stuff to go to different worlds/times/dimensions. It fascinated me at a young age. The was a huge part of me that thought "WOAH this stuff could be possible" beeing a young kid with a over active imagination I would watch these shows and think of all the cool things you could do and how I would do things even better that what they did. Even at that age (6-8) I was thinking of time travel and futuristic stuff. I guess the fact that my mind was always seeking something new and unbelievable was the reason I got into all the SiFi and Magic stuff like Sliders and Buffy.
I also used to watch a few comedy shows like Malcom in the Middle, Friends, Simpsons I would even sneek a peek at south park when I could.
Thing is I also liked my documentaries, you know the ones about plants, sea creatures and stuff. Basically anything by or like David Attenborough. Watching how the world came to be and how creatures could be so weird and wonderful really got my interest. I guess every show I watched I soaked up like a sponge.
There were so many TV shows that I would watch that its hard to name them all.
Ones i remember watching including the ones lately are some of these
Walking Dead, Scrubs, Russell Howard's Good News, Sherlock, Alphas, Being Human, Derren Brown, Family Guy, Futurama, Hustle, Life On Mars + Ashes To Ashes, Roswell, Skins (Season 1 and 2), Sliders (if you remember it), South Park, Takeshi's Castle, The 10th Kingdom, The Big Bang Theory, The IT Crowd and a few others.. but that's the general idea :P

When I was a kid I used to watch things like UBOS (the ultimate book of spells), Transformers, biker mice from mars.
(All my series's <- if that's even a word)


I have my own Youtube account. I don't really upload much to it anymore. I wish I did. I would love to have a channel like Toby Turner and be able to play games and have millions of views, but sadly im not that good a gamer, and i don't have the time.
My Channel is:
There are a few things that I watch a lot on youtube.
One of them is Epic Lloyd: Dis Raps For Hire (
I also watch Pewdiepie, Tobuscus, Epic Rap Battles Of History, SMOSH, a bunch of music videos and other random stuff like robots with AI and funny Fail Compilations.
Or if I'm feeling like learning something i watch stuff like this..

Things I fear:
Phobias - A
Acarophobia: Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.
Achluophobia: Fear of darkness.
Acousticophobia: Fear of noise.
Acrophobia: Fear of heights.
Aeroacrophobia: Fear of open high places.
Aichmophobia: Fear of needles or pointed objects.
Amathophobia: Fear of dust.
Amychophobia: Fear of scratches or being scratched.
Angrophobia: Fear of becoming angry.
Anuptaphobia: Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia: Fear of infinity.
Apiphobia: Fear of bees.
Arachnophobia: Fear of spiders.
Asthenophobia: Fear of fainting or weakness.
Atychiphobia: Fear of failure.
Automatonophobia: Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues - anything that falsly represents a sentient being.
Autophobia: Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Phobias - B
Belonephobia: Fear of pins and needles.

Phobias - C

Cancerophobia or Carcinophobia: Fear of Cancer.
Catoptrophobia: Fear of mirrors
ChorophobiaFear of dancing.

ClaustrophobiaFear of confined spaces.
CryophobiaFear of extreme cold, ice or frost.

Phobias - D

Dementophobia: Fear of insanity.
Demonophobia or Daemonophobia: Fear of demons.

Phobias - E

Eisoptrophobia: Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.

Phobias - F

Phobias - G

Glossophobia: Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.

Phobias - H

Phobias - I

Iatrophobia: Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.

I dont sleep much.. usually 4-6 hours.. unless I really dont have anything to do, then I sleep for hours.. sometimes 12-15.
Usually I'll be up way late into the night even with work at 7am the next day.. I always manage to get there on time too (ish)
I like staying in curled up on a sofa with a film or TV series while having a takeaway with icecream, or chatting to people online, so that's usually why :P
I over think EVERYTHING. Seriously.. like you wouldn't believe. It can be handy because I can use this to get out of bad situations or find solutions to a lot of problems, but it can drive me crazy when I don't have something to distract me.
Example of my mind found here..
I tend to program stuff on the computer.. Im very geeky, but its ll good ^_^


Alex: She was stunning, also a sister of a friend of mine. It was kinda awkward because she was in Norwich and I had moved to Leicester. I had told her that she was worth fighting for because she was lovely to me, and her personality was fantastic. She was slightly rock chick and yet sweet and innocent. Looking like a Avril Lavigne. The last time I went to see her in Norwich I vowed to her that I would come back for her and that I would never forget her. I told her that I would come back every year at least the once so I could see her... I even gave her my trivium ring and said "look after this, and I promise I'll come back to get it".
I went back to Leicester and a month or so passed.. It was at that point where I found out that she didn't love me any more and told me over text that we were over. I never saw her again.

I actually went back to Norwich to try and fix things up with her, but that failed. It was at this point that I met...

Chloe Fisher: She was a lot younger than me. Only 13 at the time while I was 16. I got a lot of grief for that, but I didn't care. We met on a half pipe the day I had come to see if I could fix things with Alex. I knew nothing about her, all I knew was that she liked the music that I was playing on my MP3 speakers. She had a friend with her who shouted at me while I went to walk away with my friend Connor. She told me that Chloe fancied me.. Now at the time I was hurting slightly and felt lost, then this girl who loves the same music as I did and was cute has a thing for me. I told them that I had only just come out of a relationship and that I wasn't even sure if it was completely over. I then said "I have to go see someone today to find out if it is defiantly over, but if your here tomorrow I'll let you know."
Needless to say Alex never saw me and wouldn't answer my calls. So I hung out with Chloe with Connor that day. Things were nice, we had a connecting in music, and had a laugh at a lot of stuff, she was a huge guitar hero geek and played a real guitar in  a band. It was nice.
I ad already said to my self that because she was young I wouldn't do anything out of respect for  her, I would wait and let her take things at her own pace.. usually we would just sit in the field and cuddle up there, me keeping her warm in my hoody and arms, or we would watch a film round my mums or hers again just cuddled up.

Sadly to say one day while I was in Leicester I got a text from Connor. Apparently Chloe was seeing someone else and hadn't even told me. This was long distance relationship 3 that failed.

I gave it some time for my mind to get over the fact that I had just been used and then left behind, an then I started looking more local.

Rhian: I met her at college. In my first year. She was again in to rock music and was out there.. Very loud and bossy. I didn't mind. I enjoyed the fact that I had managed to find someone again and hat this someone got on well with my college friends and was in to the same stuff as me. This one however didn't last long. You see she had issues.. MAJOR issues.. she was depressed 24/7, we personally believe it was for attention. it turned out that her depression rubbed off on to me, causing me by this point to feel like a shit boyfriend and even being driven to the point of self harm. One day she even turn round and walked me to a bridge and told me that "If she means that little to her then I should just jump".
Turns out though that it was the other way around. I actually meant that little to her. You see she was not only seeing me but also this chick who was in a relationship with some guy, and she lied about it for ages until the other person confessed it all. She then went as far as to get with another chick not long after. Sending dirty texts and again lying to my face. I put up wit it longer than I should have.. I suppose I was scared to be alone again.
I finally ended it with her and she tried putting me on a guilt trip, saying it was all my fault and that I don't give a shit about her.. she even went as far as getting me suspended from college because everyone else looked down on her because of what she had done.
It was at this point that I was at a very low point. I had nothing again in terms of a relationship and everyone stood by me through this point.

This is where I get sent to a hostel.. I was low.. really low, but then shows up....

Em J: Now she was lovely. Older than me by 3 years at the age of 20 nearly 21, she was in a relationship with a guy called James H. Things weren't going to well with them. You see we talked a lot. we were each others own personal councilor helping make sense of the world. While I was going through my rough patch with Rhian she was there telling me that it will work out, making me know I was in the right and doing the right thing. Then when she found out I was being kicked out of my home she was worried about me.. a lot.
Things between her and James H ended 3 days before I had to move into the hostel. Some friends had been looking after some of my stuff. He had my PC and desk, while Em J had nothing. When it came to the day of the move she and James turned up with a car to help me move in. and while we were getting in the car she said "I like you" I just took it as a simple your a good friend thing, and said "yeah I know", but thats when she said "... no.. I really like you".
My world flipped again. James H was there and probably heard it, to this day I will never know, but what hit me was that someone so caring and lovely actually liked me.
We lasted ages (So it felt) and things had never felt so right. We were always happy and laughing, we had our own sayings and would meet up when ever we could. We shared problems and worked through them together, she supported me and believed I could do anything, sure she wasn't into rock music, she didn't dress like a rock chick, and she lived in a world of disney with dreams of Prince charming coming to save her one day, but she told me and believe it that I was him.
Things were amazing!
Problem was her family didn't approve and not much longer after she and I had to break up. We were both in bits.
You see even to this day I know that inside her is a small flame that sits there with my name on it keeping her warm.. the memories that we had were amazing and unforgettable. We will always still be in each others heart although we both know we cant work.
Currently I can't see her and haven't had contact in 4-5 years because she knows that even the sight of me makes he upset knowing she wants me but we can't.

So there I was on a high only to crash back down again. She told me I had to move on, we both had to.
And so I did. and it was the worst thing I could have done.
For you see that's where I met...

Lucy: Oh Lucy... she was sweet, I admit... cute even, and she was lovely and caring too. We spent 3 years together and the first 1 and a half were good.
Sure I didn't have the same feelings for her as I did Em J. I didn't think that was possible but I thought they would grow with time. Oh how I was wrong.
She was my age and close to my friend group, a lot about her reminded me of Em J and Alex. She was different like Em J, what with liking chav music and dressing "normal" and she was kind and caring. All in all she was a nice person. problem here is she wasn't the one for me.
She got depressed way to easy, she took everything badly, she constantly thought I wanted Em J, and no matter how hard I tried I found my self always trying to make her smile. I got so much grief off of her family, because I was "Different" because I had lived in a hostel and had no job. but I was working on it. I was trying hard. I managed to get a flat and kitted it out, things were going well college wise, and it was on a up.. the only thing was the relationship after 1 and a half years hit a low.
Nothing she did made me smile. Every day I was worried about her, wondering when the next time I would do something wrong to upset her, hearing that me not having a job was so bad even though I was trying.
It got to the point where I spent a year or so wishing we were over. I was forcing myself to be with her all because of a ring.
Just before the 3 year mark we split, and I have never felt so relieved in my life.

Everyone was telling me that I needed to get out but the person who finally helped me get there was...

You see I have had my fair share of relationships. I have seen the ups and downs. I know whats good and bad and I have finally seen through these lies that I get fed and know what I truly want.

I have made a lot of mistakes, and been through some rough times, and I thought I had found the end to it all.

I had in my mind a vision.. A vision of my future and what I wanted in it. I didn't have a person or a name to put with this vision.. Just expectations.

You see I wanted someone that I could be my self around, without worrying that they wanted someone else and not me. I wanted someone that I could talk to about any problem that I had and listen to theirs and help each other though it. I wanted someone who I could lay with for hours not saying a word but just feeling happy knowing that they feel the same. I wanted someone that smiled when I try and help them through things and accepts the help. Someone who understands me and listens and learns more about me every day. I wanted someone I was happy and comfortable with daily, where I knew that even if we had ups and downs we could talk about it and support each other by being mature, respectful, understanding, kind, honest, loving, trust worthy, genuine, affectionate, dependable on our self as well as the other, sociable, reliable, generous, polite... and so much more..

I had no name or face to this thing that I wanted.. I honestly didn't think it would exist, and then Chloe showed up and broke all laws of nature by being all those things and more.
Stunning, interesting, knowledgeable, in to artistic photography, playful, shy, cute, sexy, classy, hard working, loyal, beautiful.

All in all she was perfect.

She was all I had ever hoped of and more.
I don't believe that anyone else on the earth could be as amazing as she is.
And although we have only been together about 2 years now I had seen before me a whole lifetime of happiness and something worth fighting for.

Her and me living together, saving up so we can afford a house, doing up the house together, pissing about while painting, writing Chloe-Bum <3 Jay face on the wall before laughing with each other and painting over it leaving that memory on the wall for us to see by no one else for the rest of out rime there, sitting down after a long day of work together and relaxing with the TV on watching shitty sit-coms or rom-coms with hot chocolate and marshmallows under a warm cover together curled up with a husky dog by our feet keeping them warm, Going away on holiday together with her family and laughing at silly things like me being caught off guard by a wave in the sea and her dad laughing at me all soaked, growing up with her family and having Rosey come over to ours occasionally and helping her with any problems she might be facing in life or college, having two adorable babies one boy and one girl (Leo and Lilly) and watching them grow up together, fighting over toys at a young age and the fighting over friends later on in life.
I see us growing old and being all wrinkly and yet still saying "I love you baba" and cuddling up together on a sofa smiling while looking into each others eyes remembering all our history together.

I see so much...
I saw it all..

And I wished more than anything for it to become real.
I know we have been having a rough patch, and I know that its hard. Life throws these horrible things at us to remind us that we are but only human.

My Personality:

I did a personality test and this is the results....

As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.

The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.

Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.

Family Orientation
As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood.

You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this. This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants.

What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down. However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do.


The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being moderate in self-control can be both good and bad. People may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control means that this may happen occasionally. This can be good in situations where focus and control are very important.

However, on certain occasions being able to give in to one’s temptations can be fun and even healthy (as long as it’s in moderation).
As someone who exerts a moderate amount of control of your actions, you may find that you exert too much stress on yourself sometimes. For example, you may be inclined to take more responsibility on projects, which may not always be necessary. This might be because you have a slight tendency to focus on the details and feel as though others may not be able to do as good of a job noticing such details as yourself. You might find it difficult to let others do certain jobs, and as a result, increase your own workload and stress level.

Having moderate self-control is generally a good thing. Although you have good control over your impulses, you also take notice of your emotions and sometimes take them into account while making decisions. This can be good when making important decisions because you acknowledge that your underlying feelings may be trying to tell you something important.

As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.

Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.

Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.


Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.

High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.

How does your personality affect your love life?
With your strong degree of self-confidence, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner. 

Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs. In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life. 

Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family. On first dates, perhaps you might suggest to your partner that the two of you spend a quiet night having dinner at one of your respective homes instead of going out to a restaurant or club. 

You may find it difficult to get along well with people that are too uptight or too impulsive. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also has a good degree of self-control. Being in a relationship with someone who has too much might be frustrating because that person might find it difficult to relax; whereas being in a relationship with someone who does not have enough self-control could be frustrating because that person may not always take your thoughts and feelings into account when making decisions. Thus, it might be easiest and most satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who is equally capable of regulating his/her urges, but who also knows how to relax from time to time.

Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.

My Relationship needs:

I did a relationship test and these are my results...
If you think its too long just read the bits in bold!


Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a "couple identity" with your partner.
Your answer pattens suggest that you tend not to become overly dependent on a romantic partner. People scoring like you are comfortable being singled out for praise and rewards, and their personal identity and independence from others is important to them. Therefore, it seems you need a reasonable level of independence in a relationship. This does not mean that you do not desire to be close with a partner. Indeed, when you feel close to someone, this person often becomes an important part of who you are on the inside and you probably like showing off your “couplehood” in public. However, you do not necessarily need to be constantly “joined at the hip” in order to feel connected and secure in a relationship. 
Bottom line: you need someone who reciprocates a strong feeling of attachment to a partner but who also respects and copes well with the fact that you benefit from a reasonable level of physical and psychological space at times.

Issues you seem to Over-value
It upsets me when I do not know all of my partner’s coworkers . 
On the positive side, it could mean that you tend to be in tune with all current aspects your partner’s life and personal interests, that you are not overly trusting of others, that you do not up rigid boundaries with romantic partners or that you take time and have the motivation to connect with your partner and learn about his/her history.


Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your partner.
You are clearly comfortable with giving and receiving emotional intimacy. You long for emotional closeness and security with a special person, and you tend to be open with a partner in return. That openness includes lessons learned from your past experiences and relationships, extending trust, believing your partner returns your feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with surrendering yourself to a partner. In fact, you probably would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets between you and your partner. Likewise, you probably regard a partner as your best friend and your foremost confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a committed relationship. However, you may find yourself wondering whether your partner’s feelings are equally as strong as yours. Still, people in this scoring range are willing to take the risks associated with being vulnerable on many levels. 
Bottom line: you need someone who desires and reciprocates intimacy as much as you do.


Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and level of motivation.
You have good levels of self-esteem, sense of self and a sense of accomplishment. It seems you are acutely aware – but accepting – of your strengths and weaknesses. Likewise, you likely feel that people who are important in your life understand you. But people in your scoring range tend to be comfortable not giving in to peer, family and other social pressures. Family is indeed important to you, but their expectations do not strongly influence your life. Instead, people who score like you tend to have their own well-defined ambitions and goals – and may even set specific benchmarks to monitor the progress made toward achievements. You probably have a strong sense of control over your life and are decisive in managing it. You are also probably very influential and persuasive with others. In fact, your family, friends and acquaintances may often come to you for ideas of guidance across a range of issues. 
Bottom line: you need a partner who has a good degree of energy, enthusiasm and self-efficacy like you, as opposed to a partner who needs constant nurturance and reassurance to feel empowered and valued as person.

Issues you seem to Over-value
All in all, I admit to feeling that I am a failure. 
Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are easily frustrated, that you are a perfectionist or that you are overly self critical and impatient. On the positive side, it could mean that you are modest or that you always strive for personal or professional growth.

Relationship readiness

Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship.
In some ways, you may not be fully ready for a committed relationship. You seem to feel a fair degree of comfort and grounding in your life right now. In fact, most people in this range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They also feel in control, but sometimes that sense of control can be fleeting or a false sense of security. For example, it is often the case that people in this scoring range need to address unresolved issues that can interfere with them having the life and relationship they want. These could be financial or legal issues or even physical, emotional or health issues. It may also be the case that you are seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you. 
Bottom line: you need someone who will be patient and supportive as you figure out your needs rather than who will rush the relationship prematurely.


Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and level of emotional intelligence.
Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to have an excellent level of emotional intelligence. It is expected that you show considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You have the capacity for being extremely sensitive to other’s feelings and to their body language. Those who know you well would probably describe you as patient and eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are also not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently and bravely show vulnerability to others. In fact, they are keenly aware how their behavior impacts others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when someone engages you directly, but you may not always take the initiative to be assertive with others. In this sense, it is likely that you seek to understand others, rather than seek for others to understand you.
Bottom line: you need someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately and candidly.

Conflict resolution

Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving skills.
Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. Your score indicates that you are generally strong across all of these basic elements. This suggests that you are very flexible and action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that you settle for quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You do not seem to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome that is best for the relationship. In fact, a defining characteristic of people in this scoring range is the capacity to relinquish their control and pride for the greater good and growth of the relationship. 
Bottom line: you need a partner who is patient, a “big picture thinker” and can relinquish control and pride to make the best decisions for the good and growth of the relationship.


Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions) related to physical intimacy.
Scientific models of love and attachment always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a crucial topic for any couple to address, because it involves issues of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it is reserved for someone you love. You may think your sexual preferences would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are hardly a prude. You tend to be very confident in your sexual ability, you are not self conscious in bed and you are open to try various activities. People in this scoring range are willing to be vulnerable and relinquish control in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are not sexually selfish. While you appreciate spontaneity and wild abandon in sex, you also seem to like for sex to be planned to some extent. Most times this probably reflects the fact that you like to set the mood, build anticipation and ensure you have privacy and no interruptions. 
Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates when it is planned to some extent rather than completely spontaneous.
Issues you seem to Over-value
As a sexual partner, I try to be neat. 
Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you have poor self esteem, that you are a perfectionist or that you have unrealistic expectations for yourself. On the positive side, it could mean that you are concerned with cleanliness, that you are concerned with pleasing your partner or that you know what you like.

Attitudes toward love

Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love.
There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as “a “hopeless romantic on the inside and a realist on the outside.” This means that you value very highly both the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love and the excitement and passion of Romantic Love. You desire someone who is on the same wavelength as you –sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. You are a clearly a hybrid, and someone who probably views love as a transcendent thing. That is, you regard true love as a precious and rare state that must be nurtured to grow and thrive. Most people in this scoring range believe that a passionate sex life is not the most important factor in a stable and satisfying relationship. Rather, a relationship must be nurtured with acceptance and compete connectedness with a partner – a couple building and possessively protecting their “own world.” 
Bottom line: You need someone whose highest priority is your relationship and is willing to do the hard work to keep a transcendent level of love alive in the relationship.
Issues you seem to Under-value

Preferred Expressions of Affection

Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and dislikes for different ways a partner can express love and devotion.
There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher weighted ratings to Physical Touch. 
Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection through touch – a playful tickle, holding hands, hugs and kisses or a light touch as s/he passes by.

Out of the various modes of expressing affection, Time spent together received lower weighted ratings from you. Bottom line: This does not mean that you neither like nor need time with a partner. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who can show affection in ways other than just spending time with you – such as talking at home, taking leisurely strolls outside or extended road trips.

My History:

Right where to begin.  I was born 1990 in a hospital in Norwich. When I was born I had a shadow over my lung.  I don’t think it was anything serious but it was something I don’t remember ever getting checked out. I’m sure that at the time my mum and dad would have found out what it was however, I don’t think i ever asked.
The earliest memory that I have is me in a clothes store about to have my photo taken I must have been about two years old.  I remember I was wearing a beige waistcoat that was chequered.  Before having my photo taken I remember hiding in amongst the clothes racks.  Even back then I was still pretty cheeky.
When I went in to have my photo taken I remember everything being covered in the soft fabric, and they gave me a small square box to lean on and sit on.  I believe my mum still has this photo somewhere as  I remember that we used to hang it at the top of the stairs where my mum lived in Norwich.
I don’t remember much of when I was young but I do remember the silly little things.  Like for instance I remember seeing the small broken egg shell in the middle of the woods.  The bird that must have come from it must have been really small, maybe a robin or something.  I don’t know why I remember that there is something that’s always stuck in my mind. It was something about that broken eg that was just so captivating  It was broken in to yet both half were still whole.  Im guessing that the bird had broken out of it and that the shell had just fallen out of the nest on to the ground. Ether way its a strange memory that I will never be able to forget.
When I was younger I didn’t really have many friends instead I had quite a few toys.  My toys wern’t exactly fantastic, I had a little wooden cars and wooden bricks, plastic soldiers, and a hell of a lot of Lego.  Usually I used to amuse myself, my mum would spend a long time with me playing random games will sitting down watching TV with me..
My mum was a huge impact in my life, pretty much everything about me comes from her.
Right so, a few of my earlier memories are things like going to visit my Nan and granddad in their cottage which my granddad had built by himself.  It was too small cottages merged together.  He must have spent years doing it up by they did look amazing, and I have quite a few great memories from there.
One thing I remember is that I used to sit about a meter away from the TV watching you’ve been framed with my nan and granddad on the sofa about 2 more meters away behind me.. They used to tell me I would get square eyes, I guess I should have listened.
When watching you’ve been framed I used to be fixated on it and when ever something funny would happen I would giggle, turn round and in that high pitched childs voice I’d say “yooou misssed iiiiit”. Almost like how you would picture a stereotypical gay guy saying “Nawooo you don’t say”, all winey abut cute :P
When we stayed there I used to play with the dog we had called Buster. He was one of those police like dogs. You know the ones from K9 the film. When he dies we got one identical and called him Buster 2... We would play out in the back garden which was huge. There was a vegetable patch at the back where my granddad grew basically everything from carrots, runner beans, strawberry's, rhubarb, apples... all sorts. There was a green house and then a huge work shop shed. My granddad used to make all kinds of stuff from bird baths, bird housed, gnomes and even plant pots.. he was a very hands on guy that loved to create stuff. I guess thats why he took on the whole project of the cottage.

You see, life has been throwing things at me ever since I was young. I have been bullied throughout all of my schools, I have lived in a broken family consisting of my mum, me and a few new boyfriends of hers who I never much got along with. Many of which looked down on to me because I "got in the way", "wasn't theirs", "was something that they couldn't handle" or just because they were bigger than me. This eventually lead to her having a boyfriend called Simon who would bully me and at a young age, chase me into my room and raise a fist to me threatening me to "do as I was told". Thankfully she left him and found a new guy, Mr B who wasn't that bad. We still clashed and I ended up having to run away from home so that my mum could finally be happy with someone. If I had of stayed then he would have left because we clashed that much, and because my mum was actually happy for a change, I just couldn't do that to her.
In a result of me moving out from home I missed out on my GCSE Exams and ended up moving all the way from Norwich to a new alien place called Leicester to live with my dad at the age of 15 just before my 16th birthday.
Things were awkward as it was because I hardly knew the family that well, and they had recently had 2 new babies. I was effectively invading their life and making huge changes that they had not planned for.
For you see they were used to having a 3 bedroom council house to them self, just Pete, Jenny and Jack. Then suddenly they go from a structured and working household to having two new babies and a 15-16 year old lad move in and not much room for their usual lifestyle. As you may have guessed Jenny and Pete had one bedroom, which was only fair. The babies needed a room for them, which again made perfect sense, and Jack had his room.
This room had been Jacks for a very long time. It would be his haven in some way, the place where he can vanish to and block out the world if need be. His own personal space.
But with nowhere to put me I had to go somewhere... I ended up staying in jacks room for a while which was nice because it gave me the chance to grow a better understanding of my brother I had never met, but I also felt bad for invading his space, plus I had no space of my own.
Eventually I was transferred from jacks room to the utility room off from the kitchen. It was small and crampt, but at least I had my own space.
In this room I had my fold up bed, my PC and then a bunch of other things that they had to have in there, such as a washing machine, tumble dryer, fridge, filing cabinet and a dishwasher. I felt as though I was living out of a box, it was not their fault, for they were only doing what they could, but  none the less it didn't feel like home. I had lost that... along with my mum..

Things got quite heated while living there and eventually one day I was told that I was being kicked out at the age of 16, less than a year of being there. I ended up talking with my college at the time and they helped me move into a hostel. By this point I felt more than lost and abandoned, I actually felt like I was alone and to fend in this world on my own for good........

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