Wednesday, 27 June 2012

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Where things stand and why....

3 people died today.
And one of those people was me.

This morning I was having problems sleeping, mainly because my mind was still active and thinking. It was thinking a lot about having to be wake so early for work but most of my mind was buzzing away thinking about everything that I had said in "Current life in a blog-shell...."

In it I rant a lot about how I feel that people get me down a lot but towards the end I make a small list of things I want o try and "fix". Sitting at the very top of this list is was my relationship with Chloe, for to me this was the most important one of them all.

You see, life has been throwing things at me ever since I was young. I have been bullied throughout all of my schools, I have lived in a broken family consisting of my mum, me and a few new boyfriends of hers who I never much got along with. Many of which looked down on to me because I "got in the way", "wasn't theirs", "was something that they couldn't handle" or just because they were bigger than me. This eventually lead to her having a boyfriend called Simon who would bully me and at a young age, chase me into my room and raise a fist to me threatening me to "do as I was told". Thankfully she left him and found a new guy, Mr B who wasn't that bad. We still clashed and I ended up having to run away from home so that my mum could finally be happy with someone. If I had of stayed then he would have left because we clashed that much, and because my mum was actually happy for a change, I just couldn't do that to her.
In a result of me moving out from home I missed out on my GCSE Exams and ended up moving all the way from Norwich to a new alien place called Leicester to live with my dad at the age of 15 just before my 16th birthday.
Things were awkward as it was because I hardly knew the family that well, and they had recently had 2 new babies. I was effectively invading their life and making huge changes that they had not planned for.
For you see they were used to having a 3 bedroom council house to them self, just Pete, Jenny and Jack. Then suddenly they go from a structured and working household to having two new babies and a 15-16 year old lad move in and not much room for their usual lifestyle. As you may have guessed Jenny and Pete had one bedroom, which was only fair. The babies needed a room for them, which again made perfect sense, and Jack had his room.
This room had been Jacks for a very long time. It would be his haven in some way, the place where he can vanish to and block out the world if need be. His own personal space.
But with nowhere to put me I had to go somewhere... I ended up staying in jacks room for a while which was nice because it gave me the chance to grow a better understanding of my brother I had never met, but I also felt bad for invading his space, plus I had no space of my own.
Eventually I was transferred from jacks room to the utility room off from the kitchen. It was small and cramped, but at least I had my own space.
In this room I had my fold up bed, my PC and then a bunch of other things that they had to have in there, such as a washing machine, tumble dryer, fridge, filing cabinet and a dishwasher. I felt as though I was living out of a box, it was not their fault, for they were only doing what they could, but  none the less it didn't feel like home. I had lost that... along with my mum..

Things got quite heated while living there and eventually one day I was told that I was being kicked out at the age of 16, less than a year of being there. I ended up talking with my college at the time and they helped me move into a hostel. By this point I felt more than lost and abandoned, I actually felt like I was alone and to fend in this world on my own for good.

Up until this point in my life I had had a few Girlfriends, nothing ever too serious.
Alex: She was stunning, also a sister of a friend of mine. It was kinda awkward because she was in Norwich and I had moved to Leicester. I had told her that she was worth fighting for because she was lovely to me, and her personality was fantastic. She was slightly rock chick and yet sweet and innocent. Looking like a Avril Lavigne. The last time I went to see her in Norwich I vowed to her that I would come back for her and that I would never forget her. I told her that I would come back every year at least the once so I could see her... I even gave her my trivium ring and said "look after this, and I promise I'll come back to get it".
I went back to Leicester and a month or so passed.. It was at that point where I found out that she didn't love me anymore and told me over text that we were over. I never saw her again.

I actually went back to Norwich to try and fix things up with her, but that failed. It was at this point that I met...

Chloe Fisher: She was a lot younger than me. Only 13 at the time while I was 16. I got a lot of grief for that, but I didn't care. We met on a half pipe the day I had come to see if I could fix things with Alex. I knew nothing about her, all I knew was that she liked the music that I was playing on my MP3 speakers. She had a friend with her who shouted at me while I went to walk away with my friend Connor. She told me that Chloe fancied me.. Now at the time I was hurting slightly and felt lost, then this girl who loves the same music as I did and was cute has a thing for me. I told them that I had only just come out of a relationship and that I wasn't even sure if it was completely over. I then said "I have to go see someone today to find out if it is defiantly over, but if your here tomorrow I'll let you know."
Needless to say Alex never saw me and wouldn't answer my calls. So I hung out with Chloe with Connor that day. Things were nice, we had a connecting in music, and had a laugh at a lot of stuff, she was a huge guitar hero geek and played a real guitar in  a band. It was nice.
I ad already said to myself that because she was young I wouldn't do anything out of respect for  her, I would wait and let her take things at her own pace.. usually we would just sit in the field and cuddle up there, me keeping her warm in my hoody and arms, or we would watch a film round my mums or hers again just cuddled up.

Sadly to say one day while I was in Leicester I got a text from Connor. Apparently Chloe was seeing someone else and hadn't even told me. This was long distance relationship 3 that failed.

I gave it some time for my mind to get over the fact that I had just been used and then left behind, an then I started looking more local.

Rhian: I met her at college. In my first year. She was again in to rock music and was out there.. Very loud and bossy. I didn't mind. I enjoyed the fact that I had managed to find someone again and hat this someone got on well with my college friends and was in to the same stuff as me. This one however didn't last long. You see she had issues.. MAJOR issues.. she was depressed 24/7, we personally believe it was for attention. it turned out that her depression rubbed off on to me, causing me by this point to feel like a shit boyfriend and even being driven to the point of self harm. One day she even turn round and walked me to a bridge and told me that "If she means that little to her then I should just jump".
Turns out though that it was the other way around. I actually meant that little to her. You see she was not only seeing me but also this chick who was in a relationship with some guy, and she lied about it for ages until the other person confessed it all. She then went as far as to get with another chick not long after. Sending dirty texts and again lying to my face. I put up wit it longer than I should have.. I suppose I was scared to be alone again.
I finally ended it with her and she tried putting me on a guilt trip, saying it was all my fault and that I don't give a shit about her.. she even went as far as getting me suspended from college because everyone else looked down on her because of what she had done.
It was at this point that I was at a very low point. I had nothing again in terms of a relationship and everyone stood by me through this point.

This is where I get sent to a hostel.. I was low.. really low, but then shows up....

Em J: Now she was lovely. Older than me by 3 years at the age of 20 nearly 21, she was in a relationship with a guy called James H. Things weren't going to well with them. You see we talked a lot. we were each others own personal councilor helping make sense of the world. While I was going through my rough patch with Rhian she was there telling me that it will work out, making me know I was in the right and doing the right thing. Then when she found out I was being kicked out of my home she was worried about me.. a lot.
Things between her and James H ended 3 days before I had to move into the hostel. Some friends had been looking after some of my stuff. He had my PC and desk, while Em J had nothing. When it came to the day of the move she and James turned up with a car to help me move in. and while we were getting in the car she said "I like you" I just took it as a simple your a good friend thing, and said "yeah I know", but thats when she said "... no.. I really like you".
My world flipped again. James H was there and probably heard it, to this day I will never know, but what hit me was that someone so caring and lovely actually liked me.
We lasted ages (So it felt) and things had never felt so right. We were always happy and laughing, we had our own sayings and would meet up when ever we could. We shared problems and worked through them together, she supported me and believed I could do anything, sure she wasn't into rock music, she didn't dress like a rock chick, and she lived in a world of disney with dreams of Prince charming coming to save her one day, but she told me and believe it that I was him.
Things were amazing!
Problem was her family didn't approve and not much longer after she and I had to break up. We were both in bits.
You see even to this day I know that inside her is a small flame that sits there with my name on it keeping her warm.. the memories that we had were amazing and unforgettable. We will always still be in each others heart although we both know we cant work.
Currently I can't see her and haven't had contact in 4-5 years because she knows that even the sight of me makes he upset knowing she wants me but we can't.

So there I was on a high only to crash back down again. She told me I had to move on, we both had to.
And so I did. and it was the worst thing I could have done.
For you see that's where I met...

Lucy: Oh Lucy... she was sweet, I admit... cute even, and she was lovely and caring too. We spent 3 years together and the first 1 and a half were good.
Sure I didn't have the same feelings for her as I did Em J. I didn't think that was possible but I thought they would grow with time. Oh how I was wrong.
She was my age and close to my friend group, a lot about her reminded me of Em J and Alex. She was different like Em J, what with liking chav music and dressing "normal" and she was kind and caring. All in all she was a nice person. problem here is she wasn't the one for me.
She got depressed way to easy, she took everything badly, she constantly thought I wanted Em J, and no matter how hard I tried I found my self always trying to make her smile. I got so much grief off of her family, because I was "Different" because I had lived in a hostel and had no job. but I was working on it. I was trying hard. I managed to get a flat and kitted it out, things were going well college wise, and it was on a up.. the only thing was the relationship after 1 and a half years hit a low.
Nothing she did made me smile. Every day I was worried about her, wondering when the next time I would do something wrong to upset her, hearing that me not having a job was so bad even though I was trying.
It got to the point where I spent a year or so wishing we were over. I was forcing myself to be with her all because of a ring.
Just before the 3 year mark we split, and I have never felt so relieved in my life.

Everyone was telling me that I needed to get out but the person who finally helped me get there was...



You see I have had my fair share of relationships. I have seen the ups and downs. I know whats good and bad and I have finally seen through these lies that I get fed and know what I truly want.

I have made a lot of mistakes, and been through some rough times, and I thought I had found the end to it all.

I had in my mind a vision.. A vision of my future and what I wanted in it. I didn't have a person or a name to put with this vision.. Just expectations.

You see I wanted someone that I could be my self around, without worrying that they wanted someone else and not me. I wanted someone that I could talk to about any problem that I had and listen to theirs and help each other though it. I wanted someone who I could lay with for hours not saying a word but just feeling happy knowing that they feel the same. I wanted someone that smiled when I try and help them through things and accepts the help. Someone who understands me and listens and learns more about me every day. I wanted someone I was happy and comfortable with daily, where I knew that even if we had ups and downs we could talk about it and support each other by being mature, respectful, understanding, kind, honest, loving, trust worthy, genuine, affectionate, dependable on our self as well as the other, sociable, reliable, generous, polite... and so much more..

I had no name or face to this thing that I wanted.. I honestly didn't think it would exist, and then Chloe showed up and broke all laws of nature by being all those things and more.
Stunning, interesting, knowledgeable, in to artistic photography, playful, shy, cute, sexy, classy, hard working, loyal, beautiful.

All in all she was perfect.

She was all I had ever hoped of and more.
I don't believe that anyone else on the earth could be as amazing as she is.
And although we have only been together about 2 years now I had seen before me a whole lifetime of happiness and something worth fighting for.

Her and me living together, saving up so we can afford a house, doing up the house together, pissing about while painting, writing Chloe-Bum <3 Jay face on the wall before laughing with each other and painting over it leaving that memory on the wall for us to see by no one else for the rest of out rime there, sitting down after a long day of work together and relaxing with the TV on watching shitty sit-coms or rom-coms with hot chocolate and marshmallows under a warm cover together curled up with a husky dog by our feet keeping them warm, Going away on holiday together with her family and laughing at silly things like me being caught off guard by a wave in the sea and her dad laughing at me all soaked, growing up with her family and having Rosey come over to ours occasionally and helping her with any problems she might be facing in life or college, having two adorable babies one boy and one girl (Leo and Lilly) and watching them grow up together, fighting over toys at a young age and the fighting over friends later on in life.
I see us growing old and being all wrinkly and yet still saying "I love you baba" and cuddling up together on a sofa smiling while looking into each others eyes remembering all our history together.

I see so much...
I saw it all..

And I wished more than anything for it to become real.

I know we have been having a rough patch, and I know that its hard. Life throws these horrible things at us to remind us that we are but only human.

Today when Chloe told me its not going to work, 3 people died.. You see Lilly and Leo will not exist, and this whole future that I see will not happen... Everything I have been through over the past years and relationships will have been for nothing.. and I don't think its possible to see this future with anyone else.
So with my future dead.. so am I..

I know I am down and depressed at the moment, and I actually feel like I have nothing.. but tomorrow is the day I make a choice..

Tomorrow I will be going to see some people that can help me with many things that are wrong. Just like I said I would, and until she actually moves on with someone else I will believe that there is still a small flame inside her with my name on it waiting to burn bright again.

This flame is what shall keep me going no matter how small it may get...
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