Saturday, 23 June 2012

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So much has happened over time...

I think its about time I made a update for my blog..

By looking back on my facebook, I can see that on the 8th of June I was in the "Best Mood Ever!" and all though out that day I spammed my wall with images of things that I liked and a lot of things that made me think of my awesome future..
Things from the Mario Themed fish tank that I would love to have in my front room of my house.

Jokes that me and chloe would always link to one another..

And things that our babies would weir..

What can I say.. I was in a very good mood..
The 9th of June hit and E3! was about in my mind.. With a posting of a status reading...
OMFG! Just drempt that a Nintendo E3! Rep came to my flat and I explained my new game idea to him and he brought it off me for a few millio and gave me a copy of the new brawl that they are keepin hidden atm :O OMGF!!¬! :3
And some references to Link and Nintendo 64 stuff thrown in for some added fun such as this image..

Still in an amazing mood.

On the 10th my mind is still being game addicted and I start up my PS3 for the first tie properly in AGES to install a few new games and update some old ones.. I end up counting about 120 games in total..

I'm still in a good gaming mood at this point.

On the 11th I find out about this..

And am truly amazed by it, making me want a 3DS, and I laughed a lot at the 7th "top 50 women on the internet"

On the 12th things are still going good and I decide to create a facebook page for images that I like and feel are worth posting..
Many of the posts are soppy things about love and relationships and things that i do and think are silly..

On the 13th I am in stitches with the Miami Zombie prank and end up showing it to everyone as I cant stop but laughing at everything that I hear and see in it.

Im a tad quiet and busy with chloe on the 14th and so I don't update facebook much to have a log of what happened however i stumbled upon the fake Majoras Mask Remake

While Chloe had gone out for a bit I made a image for her and fraped her with this..
<--- This person has a fraping boyfriend.
However this Boyfriend would also like to let everyone know how much she means to him.
You see words can't really express how happy she makes me feel, and no matter how hard I tried to explain it you just wouldn't understand fully how important she is to me.

So I thought I would just make a image in photoshop with a few words to express how I felt..
I Love you baba xxx
See you tomorrow/today... ^_^ Love your fraping biscuit Jay-Face

By this point I was obsessed with chloe... She had become my every thought.
I had ordered her a ring on the 5th and it had shown up and I had collected it and I ordered a red rose ring gift box to put it in on the 12th and that also turned up.

I saw chloe for all of the 16th through to 17th after work and it was bliss.. I hadn't felt this relaxed and happy in a long time.. Even though I had been in a very good mood for the past few days before...
I even made a funny saying of "I know I'm dyslexic but I love you for so many raisins..."

On the 17th me and chloe joke about a few things like how I was trying to fix my iTunes libary but there were some broken links..
in my mind I had laughed at how amusing it was that you could have a image of a broken Link form a zelda game.. and within seconds chloe had posted a broken link from zelda on my wall as if she was inside my head laughing at the same joke as me.

Im then put in a amazing mood for the rest of the day where i find simple things like this amusing..

i even get posted on my wall from her a soppy picture that i personally felt to be also true.. again.. asthough we were reading from the same sheet..

I even follow it up with this..

Everything seems so right and perfect..
I feel like she is now officially the best thing to ever exist in the world..
Not only are we thinking alike but we also see so much affection in each other and everything comes so naturally.

Its like they say "A match made in heaven"
Nothing could possibly beat this feeling i have for her.

I would do anything for her, I even removed some people from facebook and blocked them so that she would no longer have to worry about their intentions.
No matter how many times she feels down I will always try to pick her back up again and she would do the same for me..
Shes so understanding and actually listens to things rather than ignoring opinions and  being brash and ignorant.
She is so caring and supportive even when I have no right to have someone this amazing supporting me because I fuck up so much..
She makes me feel complete..

I honestly couldn't live without her at this point.

Shes everything I ever wanted and more, without even having to ask for it and yet she still wants to be better for me.

19th now and I start making some iPlay videos..


Leading up to the 20th now.. and I have had a wave of nostalgia.. remembering things such at "5 children and IT" and "the blob" and "Bills new frock"

Things still feeling good...

21st hits..
Some one kill me..
You see on the 20th at night I had given chloe that said ring in said box.. and well...
Well after going out and buying a very expensive ring that I thought was perfect, and then getting a box for it that was in the shape of a rose with a stem and leaves (you open the flower head to see the ring) I had kept it hidden for chloe so that I could give it to her on her bday.I ended up giving it to her 2days ago and she was in bits with a huge smile on her face... she loved it.. everything was perfect.... so i thought...Turns out the next day (yesterday) she turns round and after i tell her that there is no doubt in my mind that she is the one I want to spend the resat of my life with, with our future to unfold out just like we planned and that I could undoubtedly say that I love her more than anything or one else in existence.. she then turns round to say... "I'm not 100% sure about us... I don't believe you actually love me for valid reasons but rather because i agree with the stuff you say.. and then said.. "james (not even baba like she usually calls me)... keep the ring, im sure you'll find some one to give it to, I don't desurve it.." then turned round and walked out.... talk about fucking devastated right now..I thought she was it.. I thought that there was no way it could be any better and that everything had finally come to the point where nothing but her mattered..i put my self out there to let her know how devoted i was to her and she accepted it all and made me so happy. only to stomp on my happiness and making me believe that this thing they call love is just a lie. ='[
I'm sure she has her reasons.. but to say yes then no.. V_V... Ouch... 

Currently feeling slightly numb..
I have had friends come over to see me tonight and I thank them for it was needed..
(I feel bad that chloe is most likely at home crying or feeling bad and that there is no one there helping her like I should be, but im just so hurt right now..)

I personally thought everything was fine..
I know its been only 2 years or so that we have been together and i know that I didn't exactly have to pop her the question ad it could have been in a better way than it was.. but in my eyes the only reason people would ever do something like that is because they want to spend the rest of their life with that person and they are 100% sure about that.

I have never been so sure about someone being the one in my life.. no.. better yet I have never been sure about ANYTHING in my life.. she is the one for me..

I know this and I was willing to shout it from the roof tops and ignore anyone that said otherwise..
She just is the one I'm ment to be with.. and I know she feels this too.. I just know it..

Problem is.. in my mind I wouldn't have even gona and brought the ring, let alone the fancy box, and given it to her, and been happy when she said yes.. none of that would have happened if I was not sure..

Even while I had friends over all I could think about was her and how i wish things were back to how they were just before I gave her that damn ring.

I miss her I truely do.. but I also feel so hurt that she isn't 100% sure about us..

Sure we "Clash" as she uts it.. be everyone does once and again.. even "my nan and grandad" do and "my mum and her BF" and "my dad and his wife".. its something thats never going to vanish.

And sure it sucks whe we chash and argue slighty.. but the thing is it is ever so slightly.. we dont scream and shout at each other we dont throw things... If anything we work it out as best as we can..
This is how I know it will work!

Even when I am angry at something I try not to let it out on her.. Sure I'll be pissed off and rant about the situation but I don't say "Its all your fault" because I know its not..

Like how the ring was half a size too small due to her finger size not being the same as it was last time she measured.. thats my fault.. the only problem was that there was nothing I could do about it and it made me angry..
I couldn't return it as the paperwork went through the wash because i was trying to hide it from her and forgot it was in the pocket.. and there was no way to resize it due to the stones in it..
I was so angry that the whole thing was a failure that to then hear the words from her that she thinks its too soon and that shes not 100% sure its right and then to walk out saying basicly that its over.. I mean WTH..

You can see why im hurt can you not....??

I have this amazing woman who i love more than words can describe, more than can be brought with money and more that can be created with drugs.. and I thought she felt the same for me..
I really thought love was real, but now it just seems like the cake..

A huge lie that people use for comfort..
You gt told about this sweet thing that you can have.. all you have to do is work hard to get to where it is and you can have it.. but the problem there is that even though you get told ohers have it and that its real, you cant actually see it for yourself and this getting your own Love/Cake is a impossible task because it just doesn't seem to exist anywhere...

I lost yet again...

What do i do?

Currently.. I'm stuck at home and cant sleep.. With a expensive ring and lovely box... Alone... Lost.. Confused.. and feeling like its never going to work out...

Someone who's not Chloe tell me its worth fighting for and i may just believe you.. but currently I don't know what to think ='[
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