Tuesday, 5 June 2012

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This blog post is for that special someone who could do with a lift every now and again. She is truely amazing and I have posted quite a few things about her over the past few months.. so this blog post is all the major parts about her all thrown into one.


From : That Some One
Isn't it funny how someone has the power to make you feel over the moon and so good about yourself even when your feeling at your lowest point, yet they also have the power to worry the crap out of you.

Lately things between me and my girl Chloe have been going great.
A few things suck, like the fact that I have to work night shifts and so I sleep during the day. It causes me to hardly see her and when I do see her im usually sleepy or rushing to get ready for work.
Then with my money issues being so bad lately I also haven't been able to treat her like I would like to, and yet she still puts up with me ^_^

Things between us mentally though are fantastic. She really is one in "N".
Yeah that's right I said N... I was tempted to say 1 in a million, however just the thought of it being such a common phrase put me off saying (Typing) it. My next thought was to say a much larger number to try and express how much she truly means to me. Problem there is if I said "Shes 1 in a 10,000,000" I would be to tempted to add another 0 on the end to again try and show that she really means that much. eventually I would end up with a page covered in 0's. So to simplify things I used the term N where you then insert the biggest number you can think of ^_^

Anyway... :P
Me and her have grown so close over the past few months that I couldn't ask for anything more. Sure work gets to me and I get stressed about silly things, however when ever she turns up to see me everything vanishes from my mind and the only thing that does seem to exist inside it is "OMG shes here!... YAY!"

I have never met someone that has had this much of a positive effect on me before and its amazing..

However as you may remember... "someone has the power to make you feel over the moon and so good about yourself even when your feeling at your lowest point, yet they also have the power to worry the crap out of you"

As much as I know its far from likely to happen, I worry more than anything else that Ill lose her.
Its daft I know. V_V

Problem is, its one of those things where it seems to good to be true, and with my mind working the way it does I wonder if its all just a huge joke, maybe im on the truman show but im the main character, maybe one day she will realise im a complete loon and wont be able to stand me.

Ether way it worrys the crap out of me to a stupid extent.

I don't think its possible to ever lose this feeling for as long as you love someone this much.
For the rest of my relationship with her I will be over the moon that I'm with someone so amazing, but I would also be distraught if I was to ever lose her and so the thought will never leave me..

Kind of ironic to be fair.
But its comments like this from her that make that feeling slowly sink back to the depths of my mind again allowing me to realise that, for now at least there is no way I will lose her.

"I dont care how much you 'ramble', i dont care how much things are getting you down or how much you ever feel like just giving up, I wont let you & i'll always believe in you.
Know that, even if I cant stay the night or even see you in the day, you're always on my mind & always in my prayers.
I love you.

From: A soppy post about my future...
My vision.... (For me and Chloe)

I get myself in a stable state of mind with a house, a job and a fantastic relationship who also has a enjoyable and stable job..
Once in this stable state we can plan to have children and they will be protected from the worries of money and accommodation..
I shall teach them from a young age to speak and count by talking to them as though already grown up and mature. I will help them in any way possible while also allowing them to struggle slightly to understand taht some things aren't easy..
Once speech is developed and they communicate well I shall help them grow their knowledge of everything I can teach them from Algebra and Geography to Computers and Science.
I shall teach them to look for answers while sing facts to back up ideas.. They shall learn from other around them to expand on what they know.. Hopefully all thus before they reach High School.

From: Depression and love..
My relationship:
hahahaha.. my what?
Yeah this is currently so confusing and messed up that I feel like shooting myself in the head just to stop me thinking about how fucked up things are right now.
Currently as it stands "I'm single".
I'll say that again so you can full take in this post.. "I'm single".. this means I can do anything I want right.. Sure why not.
Problem here is that I am still seeing Chloe on a regular basis, I cant stop thinking about her, We still have sex, and it even feels like a relationship. So in my mind "I'm taken".. but I'm not O_o
Sure this doesn't seem to complex..
I'm single but I feel like I'm taken because I still love Chloe, but then we throw in the big fucker of a issue..
The fact that I think all stupidly and that because I'm single I know that I can have anyone and flirt like crazy.. So I kinda do.. but then I get angry at myself knowing its only gonna hurt Chloe. even thought we aren't together. FUCK!
On one final note before I leave this post..

Lately I have been looked down upon due to this whole Chloe thing.
I know she has been hurting over the past few days, and its not like I have done it on purpose.
The thing that gets me is that everyone seems to look down at me with shame, as though I am some horrible and worthless bastard who shouldn't be aloud to see her let alone date her.
But the thing is you all don't see us behind closed doors..
You may hear us argue, you may see her cry, but we both know that the only reason for this is the fact that we want to fight for each other...
That sounds stupid to most people and I know there are a few people out there "Close friends of Chloe's" that look at me like dirt.. but have they ever sat and wondered why she even still bothers with me?

Maybe its because although I'm blunt with the truth with her, its ALWAYS the truth.. I have never lied to her once and will never do so.
Maybe its because although I am reluctant to do a lot of things like go on dates etc, I still show her hat she means the world to me.
Maybe even though we argue and she cries its because I always hug her after and tell her I'm sorry that I made her cry and that I'm working on things o that I wont make her cry in the future and we can live the happy life we have planned.
And maybe just maybe its because although you all don't see these things in our relationship... maybe its because she knows that I mean ever word I ever tell her, because she really does mean that much to me.

You can hate me for how I am if you want to. Frown at me, yell at me, tell me I'm useless if you want and that I'm no good for her...
you see it doesn't matter what you say because at the end of the day I tell myself this every day..
No person on earth can hate me as much as I hate myself..
But that wont stop me loving her for who she is and wanting to make her happy in any way I can.

This is why I made a playlist for her (90's mix tape FTW)
You all may not understand but she did.. Every song in this Playlist has lyrics that perfectly it how I feel towards her.. that's the reason I chose the lyric versions of the tracks on youtube.

If your curious then feel free to click and listen.. because she truly is my world..

^The Playlist^
Hit play to listen to them all..

From: Very harsh and blunt post.. I warn you.. I'm close to cracking!

A lot of you sit there and judge me and how I am with Chloe.
"Jay how could you say such a thing, you knew that would hurt her"
"Why is she still with you? You're a dick"....
Well you know what?
Go fuck yourself!

Yeah I'm blunt with her. I tell her everything and am 100% honest even if she doesn't want to hear it, and although it may hurt her to hear the truth, I'm fucking glad.. no.. I'm fucking proud that I'm not as nasty and bitchy as some of you out there.

I love her with all my heart and will do everything possible to make her happy. If I fuck up that's my bad and I will have to fix it or make up for it, but I don't deliberately make her feel like shit my talking behind her back, pointing out all her flaws and walking all over her.

A few new things that I would like to say about Chloe:

I couldn't ask for anyone better than her.

Those super modals can fuck off with their fake looks and personality's. I have someone that out does them but millions.
She is truly an amazing and genuine person who the world should love, not just me. I feel slightly greedy by wanting her all to myself. No one person should have this much of an amazing person to them self.

Every day I sit here and wonder why is she still with me, then I stop thinking about why and think "Who cares why? I'm just glad that she has chosen me"
Blue October summed it up perfectly..
Theres something that i cant quite explain
i'm so in love with you
you'll never take that away

and if i said a hundred times before
expect a thousand more
you never take that away

well expect me to be
calling you to see

if you're ok when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make a smile

well i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleepin are you dreamin and
if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me

There are so many lyrics that show how much she means to me that I made the playlist that is posted a bit further up..
Each song has some lines in it that are so true to how I feel.

I have never felt this strongly towards anyone ever!
When I first met her in town that day when she was wearing that Nerdasaurous hoody, I was in a relationship with Lucy.
Things with her were shit. My relationship was driving me round the bend and I was in bits. Then while in town that day I see this young girl who seemed so shy and quiet.. i wanted to ask her if she was ok. However I had never met her and didn't want to impose upon her by asking questions.. she might be upset about something that wasn't my business, even so that didn't stop e worrying about if she was ok or not.. she looked so sad, yet also putting on a brave face.

God knows how I knew all of that. I hardly knew her but its what I saw.

I didn't speak to her the whole day because I had no idea who she was.. but my mind was constantly telling me to keep an eye out for her and help if I could.

When she had to go I actually felt sad. No idea why.. possibly because I saw someone I wanted to comfort and cheer up but couldn't, and then it happened... the one thing that changed it all.. She went to leave but just before she left she hugged me O_O

I wasn't expecting it.. I hadn't even spoken to her for a start, but it felt so right.
I actually felt like giving her that hug was the one thing she needed to make her feel better.
Then she left.

For the rest of the day my mind was thinking of only her.. "who was she?" "will I ever see her again?"
So many thoughts.

A few days past and we had been chatting on facebook after we added each other due to the meet up.
Things were going well.. she had told me so many things and I had listened and helped where I could.. I cheered her up and supported her with the issues she was having with some people.
Things felt good.
I was helping...

Not too long after my flirty side kicked in as it does.
She obviously found it amusing and even flirted back.

We had group convos with Jack Bumble Tim etc and they always had a few flirty comments in there for jokes..
Things just felt soo happy and good..

Tim made a comment to us.. "Will you two just fuck already" as to which I replied "Well Tim that's her choice not mine ;)"

I spent hours and hours at work with nothing but her on my mind.. how happy she made me feel how open and honest we were to each other even though we didnt hardly know each other. It just all felt so amazing!

One day I threw a party with everyone invited..

And while Lucy was out I sat on the sofa with chloe, her legs over mine.. and things just felt so relaxed and natural.. nothing forced or planned.

Lucy came home and things turned in to a huge argument.. =[
My fault entirely.. I was the one in the wrong (kind of)
And that's when it hit me.. I couldn't t was driving me mad.
Things happened that night... that only me and chloe knew about on that sofa.. Only a bit of playful fun for her.. I got nothing.. but I didn't mind. I was just happy that she was happy.

The next day she said she would come over to help me tidy up after the party.
I thought that it was such a kind and thoughtful gesture, and I said sure.
She came over just after lucy left and we sat down for a bit.. I had intended in us tidying up.. but instead we sat there for what seemed like hours just talking about everything that bugged her.. friends situations etc.. I had no idea who these people were but I listened as hard as I could to understand it all.

The time passed until she had to leave for college, and she left.. we never did tidy up.
This happened for a hole week.. Every time lucyt left chloe would come over and we would sit there for ages just talking.. it was amazing.
We even watched jezza and talked about how stupid they all were and how we would deal with the problems they were in.
Se was so mature and understanding it was unbelievable.

It got to a stage where we would finish talking she would go to college and we would text each other saying that all we were thinking about while we were together was pinning each other to a wall and just letting go of everything..

One day (after over a week or so) we actually did!

She was so worried, but I took things slow for her and told her she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to and if she wanted me to stop at any time I would.

Later that night me and lucy split up..
It was only fair to some extent.. and we had been in such a state of a relationship for over a year and a half that it was about time..

Everyone supported me through it all.
I was even talking to chloe during it and she told me that things will work out for the best.. and how right she was..

Again I spent hours at work thinking about her and that day.. It was all I could think about was her!
After work every day i would walk home with my best mate Tony and I would ramble on about her for a hour walk home..

A few weeks passed of this happening when one day on the way home with tony I said to him "I astually think I love her.. and I don't mean I love her.. I mean I ACTUALLY love her! She's amazing in so many ways.."

That day I made up my mind that she was the one..

This feeling was like no other.. it was like taking my soul and filling it with popping candy and roses with no thorns and then coating it with rainbows and sparkles then placing it back into my body and letting all those things effect every nerve in my body making me feel like I was swimming in a sea of happiness.
It was beyond amazing!

And it still is!

Chloe is my world.. no shes more than that.. shes my everything in the true sense of the word!

Listen to the playlist and that's me and how i feel about her.

She's my goddess, my light of hope, my will to live, and my future.. shes my happiness and my reason for success.
I couldn't and wouldn't be here without her.

Thankyou Chloe.. XxX

A few things Chloe feels to finish off the post

Reasons why I love my Baba <3

His eyes; they go from dark & sexy to bright & playful & child-like. They're so brown & gorgeous & I could look into them all day if it were possible.
His smile is possibly the warmest & most genuine smile I've ever seen. It's infectious & I love it even more so because I'm the reason its there :) & his teeth are so straight.

His body is just yuuuuummmmy! He's perfect with the way that he's not too muscly or too thin - he's just right. He has these lines that start at his hips & lead all the way down & I just love to kiss all over them & his back is just nommy enough that I just want to claw all over it. His bum is the cutest squidgy bum I've ever seen - I can't believe he doesn't like it!
I love his hugs; his arms are so strong yet so comfy at the same time & he always holds me so tight as if he never wants to let go. I always feel safe & happy in his arms. I can safely say that they are the best hugsto ever exist.

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