Sunday, 27 May 2012

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Depression and love..

Well this sucks..

Mood yesterday was... actually... my mood before I fell asleep at 8am was quite good.
So good in fact that I wondered if everyone would like to meet up at a local park to hang out seeing as we haven't seen each other in a while.
Sure I fell asleep at 8am and woke up at about 1PM, but I could still meet them.

Problem is that during my 5 hour sleep I some how became depressed. ¬_¬

I have no idea whats caused it.

There are so many things going well for people lately and yet I cant seem to look on the positive side of life.
I was talking to Chloe about this only yesterday.
It seems that no matter what I do, say or think its always got a negative spin on it. =[

The above cartoon strip is how I feel on quite a few occasions.I never have any reason for it, it just seems to happen.

For example.
I see two people get together in a relationship.
They seem happy together and everyone is over joyed at the situation.
I can see how its currently having a positive effect, but within seconds of being told my mind starts racing.. "It wont work.. there's too many things that will cause this to fail... you wait, you'll see."

I constantly make myself feel inferior.
A lot of you will laugh at that statement.
For you see there is this usual statement that gets thrown about which is that I have a blimp head (a slight metaphor for my ego). Apparently I have this massive ego about myself and that I am so great in so many ways. The funny thing is, these little "Blimp headed ego boosts" are the only thing that keeps me going, thus the reason they happen so often.

Even when I do have a slight ego boost it doesn't remove all the other bad things about myself and so I still end up thinking how much of a horrible person I am.

Here's just a short list of the things that I think negative about:

My friendship:
Now this is quite a vast topic. You see I always want to be a good friend and help others out where I can. My problem is though that although I want to help I just end up making things worse. I will air my opinion on any given situation without care of the effect because I think its best to be blunt with a friend, but this causes them to become upset/angry/disappointed because for a start they might not have asked for my opinion and they also now have a most likely contradicting opinion thrown at them that causes them to think "What a dick you are jay".
That's the very tip of the iceberg as to how I feel I am in friendships. In a nut shell I fuck them up so easily.

My life in general:
As you may know from reading other posts in my blog, not everything as been going right lately.. in fact you could say that everything has been going to shit over the past few months.
There are so many things that I have no control over that are causing me to become disappointed with my life that it almost feels pointless fighting to try and fix it.
For a start my current status at work is messed up.. I work in a shitty super market stacking shelves, tipping the deliveries, tidying up the warehouse and other pointless things. I am not gaining anything out of it.. no major life skills... nothing I can use out of work to better myself.
I need to change job but can't.. thus the RAF idea I have.. but even that is failing due to being in poor health state. I could fix that but I have no time and when I do have the time I have no motivation =[

My relationship:
hahahaha.. my what?
Yeah this is currently so confusing and messed up that I feel like shooting myself in the head just to stop me thinking about how fucked up things are right now.
Currently as it stands "I'm single".
I'll say that again so you can full take in this post.. "I'm single".. this means I can do anything I want right.. Sure why not.
Problem here is that I am still seeing Chloe on a regular basis, I cant stop thinking about her, We still have sex, and it even feels like a relationship. So in my mind "I'm taken".. but I'm not O_o
Sure this doesn't seem to complex..
I'm single but I feel like I'm taken because I still love Chloe, but then we throw in the big fucker of a issue..
The fact that I think all stupidly and that because I'm single I know that I can have anyone and flirt like crazy.. So I kinda do.. but then I get angry at myself knowing its only gonna hurt Chloe. even thought we aren't together. FUCK!

My mind:
Its broken... there is no other word for it. Ok so maybe there is but I like that word "Broken".
Basically my mind thinks so much and in such detail that I can't seem to tell whats real from whats not. Like are these relationships actually doomed to fail because of all the reasons i can think of in my mind or am I over thinking things? Are things really as broken as they seem to be in my mind or am I right.
My biggest fear is to become insane.
Not the loony "I'm a giant space alien from the planet Jay-Topia here on a mission to lean about how chocolate sprinkles can grow wings and fly with the sea birds of Pluto" but more of the I'm sane insane, where I cant define the difference between reality and fiction. For example..
I join the RAF.. I show good progress and rank up fast. I then feel that I'm being watched. the feeling seems logical and true but actually its just paranoia.
I start to believe that there is a meaning to life and that meaning is to do something crazy that doesn't seem crazy to me as I have over thought it. I then go and do this crazy thing and end my own life thinking hat I have done what it was that I needed to do.

The worrying thing is the above statements are slightly how I feel now days.
I have so many things effecting me such as paranoia that I already feel insane.

I personally don't agree with people who think they can fix people with drugs and talking (aka doc's and phyks). The reason for this is that the only way your mind can be fixed is if you allow it to be fixed. Your mind is something that uses reason, and so if you are depressed you are depressed for a reason. The only way to then not be depressed is to find the cause (reason) of your depression and then think about it not being a problem or solving it.
If you cant mentally remove that depression by solving whats causing it or realizing that its not worth the depression then talking to a doc or psyk isn't going to work ether. All they can do is tell you "its not a big deal and to get over it" obviously more long winded than that and in a much more complex way but effectively they are tricking your mind in to removing the depression. they don't physically remove it them self.

Now s much as I don't agree with them I actually think I need one.. O_o... Yeah go figure.
You see I personally can't seem to find the source of my depression. Its obviously got a source.. maybe two, but I can't pin point it because I cant think about it in a logical way.

I start trying to figure out whats wrong with me and just end up focusing on all the bad shit in my life thus making it worse.
Catch 22...
If I could find and list all the depressing things and then link them one by one to a route cause then I could look at the cause in a different way or possibly solve the reason its causing me to be so depressed and then job done.. but even to list all the depressing things causes me to fail.

What a rant hey.. =/
It was kinda needed I guess.
I have no idea who reads these any more and in all honestly I don't care.
For all its worth, no one could ever read this post but the fact that I have been able to get these thing out of my mind and into words causes me to have some form of relief for some reason..
Doesn't solve anything.. its just here.. but it helps O_o

On one final note before I leave this post..

Lately I have been looked down upon due to this whole Chloe thing.
I know she has been hurting over the past few days, and its not like I have done it on purpose.
The thing that gets me is that everyone seems to look down at me with shame, as though I am some horrible and worthless bastard who shouldn't be aloud to see her let alone date her.
But the thing is you all don't see us behind closed doors..
You may hear us argue, you may see her cry, but we both know that the only reason for this is the fact that we want to fight for each other...
That sounds stupid to most people and I know there are a few people out there "Close friends of Chloe's" that look at me like dirt.. but have they ever sat and wondered why she even still bothers with me?

Maybe its because although I'm blunt with the truth with her, its ALWAYS the truth.. I have never lied to her once and will never do so.
Maybe its because although I am reluctant to do a lot of things like go on dates etc, I still show her hat she means the world to me.
Maybe even though we argue and she cries its because I always hug her after and tell her I'm sorry that I made her cry and that I'm working on things o that I wont make her cry in the future and we can live the happy life we have planned.
And maybe just maybe its because although you all don't see these things in our relationship... maybe its because she knows that I mean ever word I ever tell her, because she really does mean that much to me.

You can hate me for how I am if you want to. Frown at me, yell at me, tell me I'm useless if you want and that I'm no good for her...
you see it doesn't matter what you say because at the end of the day I tell myself this every day..
No person on earth can hate me as much as I hate myself..
But that wont stop me loving her for who she is and wanting to make her happy in any way I can.

This is why I made a playlist for her (90's mix tape FTW)
You all may not understand but she did.. Every song in this Playlist has lyrics that perfectly it how I feel towards her.. that's the reason I chose the lyric versions of the tracks on youtube.

If your curious then feel free to click and listen.. because she truly is my world..

^The Playlist^
Hit play to listen to them all..
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