Yesterday I found out that I am finally not alone in the way I think.
Well.. I'll rephrase that.
Yesterday I found out that I am not the only person on this planet that sees sex in such a strange way and feels completely different to everyone else when thinking about it.
Now before you read the post there's a few things I would like to convey to you all.
Firstly I do believe in love and relationships.
They exist be everyone feels love in different ways (thus why its so damn complex).
This next post will seem like something I would write or maybe my thoughts BUT it is 100% someone else entirely.
When shown it by someone we were both stunned at how much it sounded like me. So please don't read the conversation as though I was having it otherwise you will get the wrong end of the stick.
Finally on one last note. Please do not get pissed off at the way that I think, I cant help it and if it bothers you that much stop reading my blog ;)
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The convo:
Guy Like Me: I don't care if I'm judged, it doesn't matter to me. I am a sex addict. Iv'e slept with over 200 women and I've been through sex rehab twice. It's something that has plagued me for a very long time. I feel like its something I NEED and it completely fucks with my mood and my outlook if I don't get it whenever I want it.
Logical Guy: Surely if youve been through rehab twice and its not worked, then they give you medication for it? Maybe they cant give you something that lowers your libido or something?
Guy Like Me : Nope, its not a medication thing. That's not the problem, you see it's more a mental thing than a physical.
Logical Guy: Just to clarify, do you actually love your girlfriend or not?
Guy Like Me : No I do not. I want to and I should , but I know in my heart that I don't.
Logical Guy: oh dear. That's not good.
Guy Like Me : We've been together for 2 years, you know and we live together.
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Reading that short post really shocked me.
I know it sounds quite harsh but that's how I feel most of the time.
My past few relationships have all ended with this odd feeling that I get.. It's really hard to explain but I'll try.
A post of mine:
My mind is a curious thing, I tend to think about all sorts of things in serious depth. So sure maybe this wont apply to some of you however it might to some others.
Now for a lot of people I know that sex is one of those things that should only be done between two people, that love one another and are possibly in a relationship or if not are heading in that direction.
Me on the other hand I see sex slightly differently.
Sex to me isn't one of those things that should be limited by love and relationships.
It may sound weird, but I see sex as something you just do.
- Maybe you have sex to make the other person feel good about them self.
- Maybe it's just because you both have a high sex drive and possible sexual feelings towards one another.
In my eyes it doesn't mean you need a relationship or even to be in love just to have sex.
Sex isn't what defines the relationship, the feelings you have for someone is.
Maybe it's just me?
However this is how I see it.
Theres a strong black line between Love and Lust and this is where things get interesting.
Love
Say you felt like you could live with someone for the rest of your life and you know you would be happy with them by your side, grow old with kids etc...
That to me is love and love is whats needed for a good relationship.
Lust
In my eyes wanting to have sex is a lust thing.
Something you crave and something you could "want" with someone or some people.
So if you love someone then you could quite happily be in a relationship with them and spend years with them by your side. It's not something you are craving, it's not a need. It's simply something that's nice.
So basically I don't feel like sex is such a big thing to get all defencive about, and that people confuse it as a thing of love when its actually lust.
- "Oh my god, they slept with me last night... they must love me."
- "How can you sleep with so many people? Thats just wrong!"
- "By sleeping with them you lead them on."
This is why fuck buddies exist! :D
So say you are in a relationship with someone, and you have feelings of lust for someone else (would quite happily sleep with someone you've seen).
It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed to fail..
Nor does it mean you love someone else..
It simply means that you are human and you have thought about "what if".
These feelings are normal!
You see I feel controlled by sex.
If offered it by someone who I thought was attractive and I personally thought I would enjoy it with then my mind would be screaming at me to take it and make sure it is so good that I know full well I'll get more later on if "needed". This doesn't mean that I always would take it, however it does mean I'm always craving it. Now you could say that it's just a typical male thing and its understandable but its a little more complex than that.
If in a relationship, I still get the same feelings. The difference is that although my mind is screaming for sex every now and again it also knows that it can get it when ever it wants and there is no challenge. (I'm not too sure challenge is the right word.. but if I can come home and have sex at the drop of a hat it becomes a tad boring, and I suppose and I loose interest). Even if we spice things up a bit, I still don't get the same rush as when I know I might not be able to have what I want.
For example.
I see a girl who I like the look of.
I flirt...
We tease...
We have sex...
(I get a "thrill of the chase" if you will and feel amazing)
I see her again..
We flirt... but this time I know I can have it, as I have had it once before. This slightly dulls the thrill but seeing as its not on tap with her its still a maybe game. If I get it again I'll most likely enjoy myself but not as much as the first time.
When it comes down to a relationship the same rules apply. I can think they are amazing in so many ways and Love them for who they are but my mind is always looking for a sexual thrill. This is what causes my major problem in a relationship.
So let me explain...
I have found someone who I want a "Relationship" with. This means that I don't care how good the sex is... I don't care about looks, the voice any of that physical stuff, the reason I would want to be in a relationship with that someone is that I could quite happily spend my entire life with them. If the sex is good, they look good etc then they in my eyes are all bonus's.
This person I am in a relationship with I "love".
Now...
Given my metal state where I am always seeking a thrill in some sexual way I tend to flirt when in a relationship. As much as I would want to go off and follow my urge to get a thrill off someone I know full well I cant, so in order to release the pressure a bit I flirt. Nothing more...
Now I can understand how this can be seen as a "Bad thing" and something I shouldn't be doing.. but if I don't then the lack of a thrill builds up to the point where it changes to resentment.
Think of a druggie who is told they cant have any of their very addicted drug and a druggie that is told he can have only a little bit. Which one will be happy even though they don't get the full amount the could have? Well the one that gets a small amount of his drug of cause.
So you see, I have this horrible mental urge that I can't stop. It sounds strange, and believe me I thought I was just being stupid and "thats a load of crap. I can stop if I want" but I honestly can't, and after reading that I'm not the only one out there that feels this way it hit me as such a relief.
I have no idea who the "Other Me" is only who "Logic" is, but I wonder if they see things the same as me. If at all possible I would like him to read it and let me know if this is how it effect him too.
Basically..
The way it works is like this. You ave 3 groups
Physical (Lust), Mental connection (Love), Forbidden (Greed?)
These 3 things determine how likely it is that I will want to have sex with someone.
The better looking they are the higher the urge is, the better I get along with them the higher the urge is, and the more I'm told I cant have the higher the urge is.
So basically someone who is butt ugly with no connection and I can have will most likely not even cross my mind.. However if you say I can't have them then my mind asks "why not.. this seems like a challenge".. even if the first 2 are still low ranking its the fact that I was told that I can't and so I have to prove I can. If they are not forbidden, I have no connections with them at all but they look stunning then again my mind thinks.. "I wish", and if not forbidden or good looking but I get on really well with them then my mind goes "They are so awesome and lovely..."
So you see if they have a high rating on all 3 then my mind goes in to overdrive.. "Whats that I think their awesome.. they look amazing and I cant have them.. challenge accepted.. I want :3"
The problem here is that its a curse.
I can love someone for all the reasons I stated, but I still have this constant feeling that I must seek more.
Currently there are lots of people that fit in at least one of these categories.
But just being in one is not enough for me to go chancing you down (Unless you rank 100% in that one your in).
There are a few in 2 of the categories, but even so you would need a high ranking for me to even consider it.
Then there are some in all three :3
Now usually when in a relationship if someone is in all 3 or rank high I tend to get frustrated and just let out my urge through flirting and nothing more. But when not in a relationship, usually anything goes..
So here's how it works:
You have the 3 groups.
And you get ranked 1-10 in each group. You then add them up and get a number out of 30.. anything below 15 isn't worth it, and I tend to ignore but people who rate 16+ always grab my minds attention.
For example:
Physical 8
Mental connection 10
Forbidden 0
That describes someone I know and they rank 18 out of 30. However if they became forbidden the urge to have would increase.
Physical 8
Mental connection 6
Forbidden 7
This is another small preview of someone I know and they rank 21 out of 30.
I know this all sounds to well thought out and "a load of crap" but its honestly true and how my mind works.. I can't help it, but I can hold back as long as I can let it out slightly.
I have rambled quite a bit here and probably made a few people disappointed in me because they now understand how my mind sees sex and people. However the whole point of this blog is to help you understand how I think is it not?
Anyway I shall leave you with a better understanding of me and hopefully you will not judge me for being so strange.. I honestly can't help it. =[
And like "Guy Like Me" put it...
"It's something that has plagued me for a very long time. I feel like its something I NEED and it completely fucks with my mood and my outlook if I don't get it whenever I want it."
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