My blog started off as a blog that was to be used to post things that pass through my mind but end up most likely unspoken. It had a few complex posts, about ideas that weren't possible but cool none the less, and it had its emotional posts.
Currently though, all it is built up of, is emotional posts and effectively working like some form of blogging diary.
So here it goes, yet again.
Emotional Blog diary like entry:
Firstly whenever I have to talk about the things that are getting to me, it causes me to re-experience the feelings I get when actually being in that situation.
If someone lost a family member they would be sad, so when they finally become happy the last thing they want to do is bring it up and talk about it again as it causes them to become sad again. Well this situation is the same. I end up getting angry at the situations while trying to explain them and I end up trying to explain how I feel and how it’s affecting me in a raised tone due to the stress and anger building up by just talking about it.
So I'd rather not talk about it, and stay calm and level headed where I can then get my points across without getting wound up over it all.
Secondly by writing it all down it means that I can explain everything in full detail without missing things out.
Sometimes when you’re talking to someone you can end up with a mental block and you can’t think of what you wanted to say. Again this is one of the reasons as to why I wanted to write it down. It means I have time to list everything and nothing gets left out or forgotten.
Currently there are a few things that are pissing me off to the point where I actually can't stand living on this planet any more. You may laugh at that and think that it isn't that bad or I see what you did there with the link to a meme, but trust me its fucking true.
Many of you will sit there and read this blog and say "Jay you have no right to say all these things" or "That was harsh and un-needed"... Well you know what FUCK YOU!
You all don't seem to understand how close to breaking point I am so let me explain.
Not only do I have my own mental issues that I have to deal with (which given time and space I can deal with) but I am also dealing with all these other things that other people cause me to have. This causes me to wake up everyday and actually wish some one would kill me.
I feel like topping myself and leaving you and all your stupidity behind. I could be doing something as simple as washing up and I would think about slitting my wrists with the knife in hand, having a fag out the window makes me want to jump, seeing Alcohol makes me want to take all the pills in the flat with it and OD. Even going to work i see the potential of walking in front of a car or bus.
You see, everything I see in my mind has currently become a way to end all this stress and anger that I have for you all.
Some of you have seen how stressed and angry I have been lately, some even ask if I'm ok and a hand full of you actually mean it. The rest of you wander about without a care in the world as to what I am feeling or doing, to the point where you really wouldn't give a real shit if I was gone or not.
I think you don't understand the term "friend".
You see a friend looks out for each other and works things out supporting them through the good and bad times, and accept them for who they are.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship
Here's something from Wiki
The value of friendship is often the result of friends consistently demonstrating the following:
- The tendency to desire what is best for the other
- Sympathy and empathy
- Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
- Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
- Enjoyment of each other's company
- Trust in one another
- Positive reciprocity — equal give-and-take between the two parties
- The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.[citation needed]
It's funny how so many of you class someone as a friend and then do the complete opposite of some of the above points.
For example I am seriously close to the edge and yet when I make a decision that's best for me to help me come away from such a low point in my life you don't see that its whats best for me.
You all jump in and sing like a quire.
"Jay stop being such a dick! can't you see how this effects me!".
Have you ever thought that I did see how it effects you?
Have you ever thought that I "need" to do some of the things I do?
Sure I make mistakes, and if the mistake was a honest one where I actually didn't see how it effected someone I will do my best to make up for it and I tend to be apologetic.
But so many of you are narrow minded and selfish!
If you can't stand what you have read already then please for your own sake stop reading now.
However if you still feel you need to understand why I am so close to ending my life read on.
I post this with the last bullet point in mind "The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement." You see I express myself so that you can understand how I feel and I expect you to not judge me, and with point 3 in mind I will be 100% honest in the rest of my post, so much so that you may really hate what you read.
So here it goes... time for you to all understand why I just cant take it any more.
...
..
In my "Friend group" there are a few relationships currently going on.
Even I am sort of in one.
Now the way I see it is that the person whom you are in a relationship with is the most important person in your life. Sure you may upset them or you may say something they don't like to hear but you follow all the bullet points above and more because they are your world.
But there are a few of these "Relationships" which are a fucking joke!
(Why this bugs me is explained in a bit stay with me)
I don't expect you to like what I'm going to say but its how I feel and its something that really gets to me to the point where I feel like screaming at them.
If someone in the relationship tells you something that they feel is something that they worry about, be it looks, personality, age etc.. then you should stand by their side and tell them not to worry and that you will help them through it. You should have
- The tendency to desire what is best for the other
- Sympathy and empathy
- Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
- Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
- Trust in one another
- Positive reciprocity — equal give-and-take between the two parties
- The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.[citation needed]
You should not laugh at them, take the piss out of them and say that their problem is something that you will mock them for rather than you helping fix it with them!
How do you expect the relationship to work if you are mocking the other person when they are actually asking for your support in something they feel strongly about?
...
Well?
You should respect them. You should not bitch about them behind their back and make fun of them.
Sure they may have done something highly amusing that you can have a laugh with others about but dont talk about them like dirt to others, picking out their flaws and only expressing them. How do you expect them to feel when all everyone talks about are their flaws and not the good points in the relationship?
You shouldn't ignore them deliberately ether.
The only reason for doing this is if you don't want to know or you can't be arsed with them.
So obviously they don't mean that much to you if you can ignore them and do something else.
That's simply saying that the other thing or person is more important.
Communicate with them. Tell them your problems and listen to theirs. Don't sit back and make them deal with it alone. Don't make them have to tell someone else because you cant be arsed to listen.
If they have a problem you should be the first person they come to not someone else. You should be helping them through the issue and then telling them that no matter what you will always help them no matter how small the help is.
If they have to tell someone else about he problem first then the obviously feel that they cant talk to/trust you or that you don't care.
So many of the "relationships" I see lately have these flaws in them..
The funny thing is that I actually didn't base this on anyone like I usually do. If anything I was writing about my past relationships and how they went bad, but I'm wondering how many of you out there feel like I was taking about you.
Thing is though that all I keep seeing is people around me acting like their relationship is amazing when in actual fact they are bitching about one another every time I see them.
This is now why it pisses me off!
A lot of you sit there and judge me and how I am with Chloe.
"Jay how could you say such a thing, you knew that would hurt her"
"Why is she still with you? You're a dick"....
Well you know what?
Go fuck yourself!
Yeah I'm blunt with her. I tell her everything and am 100% honest even if she doesn't want to hear it, and although it may hurt her to hear the truth, I'm fucking glad.. no.. I'm fucking proud that I'm not as nasty and bitchy as some of you out there.
I love her with all my heart and will do everything possible to make her happy. If I fuck up that's my bad and I will have to fix it or make up for it, but I don't deliberately make her feel like shit my talking behind her back, pointing out all her flaws and walking all over her.
So like I was saying there are quite a few "relationships" about that to me are a joke, and then the people in these relationships then have the nerve to stand there and mock me and how I am in mine.
HAHAHA...
Seriously...
Fuck you!
Another thing that's been pissing me off.
I slipped up a few days ago with my blog..
I posted a blog post about how I had helped out someone by talking to them about a problem they had.
What I didn't realize was that they hadn't yet told the others about this issue. This meant that I had posted something that someone didn't possibly want others to know. (My bad I accept that)
I have since said sorry and explained that it was my honest mistake because I didn't realize not everyone knew. (Even explained why I thought differently) Sure I could have asked, but like a fool I just assumed that they all knew.
So yeah I fucked up, but I removed the post and then said I was sorry and even offered to buy them some beer or cider to make up for it.
This situation got me a fuck load of stick off of a few people and in all honesty that pissed me off!
All that was actually needed was for the person involved in the first place to say something to me and for "us" to sort it out between us. It was my mistake and it effected him, so why the fuck do others have to get involved!
Do they join in just so they can enjoy bitch at me and make me feel like shit? Well if so congrats it fucking worked! I felt bad enough as it was, and then for you lot to jump on the hate train and rant at me even after I had tried to make up for it was fucking nasty!
But wait, it gets better.
You see I had been had ago at by many people about my mistake of telling others something they possibly shouldn't know, and yet that very same day that my brother has ago at me for saying something, he then does the exact same fucking thing by telling my GF something that she didn't and possibly shouldn't have been told.
So surely someone said "oops I shouldn't have told you that" or "Jack shhh she might not be allowed to know" but no.... He just carries on rambling and explaining it in even more detail. How the hell is that fair?
Surely if I gets bitched at for telling someone something they shouldn't know then the same rule should apply for others?
Now quite a few people know something that apparently only Jack was told. Well done Jack. ¬_¬
Oh and while we're on this topic.
Congrats Arran.
Hope it works out for you.
P.S.
As far as I know. Me, Jack, Callum, Chloe, Bumble and possibly now Richard know about it. ¬_¬ Just thought I'd give you a heads up.
This takes me to my next point.
One of my points that hurts most of all.
I actually didn't think it would ever happen, and I kinda feel like its my fault that it has, but my brother has become such a fucking dick lately!
He used to be this sweet kid who was smart and reliable to be honest and trust worthy with a kind and caring heart. You know the ones I mean. Those kids that offer to help tidy up after a party even though they made none of the mess, the kind of kid that tells you when your feeling down "Hey it will work out". The supportive and caring person.
However lately he has just been a knob!
I'll give you a few examples of what I mean so that you can make up your own mind as to if I have a good enough reason for saying what I just did. (And yes I realize that's a very harsh thing to say about my brother)
Firstly he made a comment yesterday (Sunday) that really pissed me off.
You see he had a girlfriend who used to be very depressed.
She used to self harm and couldn't deal with life. She made him feel trapped and depressed. She was one of those people that when you asked them how they were they would tell you that they were feeling like shit and would expect you to feel bad for them, even if it did't help.
She must have had her reasons at the time for being that way even if we didn't understand them or think them worth being that depressed about.
(Remember everyone thinks different)
So she was very depressed and hated her life. (Sounds a lot like me currently)
Apparently shes not doing to bad and is still alive.
This sort of shocked my brother and he said something close to this. "I'm surprised shes still alive after how she was... It's a shame that society doesn't prune its self of those kind of people"
You sick fuck Jack!
Should I follow your logic and become "Pruned from society"?
I mean I can't fucking stand it at the moment, I personaly hate this fucking world with a passion and the stupidity and hypocrisy in it. So surely I should fucking "An hero" and leave this world to you oh so pure and perfect people?!
The Jack I used to know would have said much nicer things like, "That's a shock, she was really depressed and I though she might have even killed her self. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I'm not with her anymore but its nice to know shes getting better", not the harsh comment he actually made.
So yeah that comment really hocked me and I thought you harsh bastard!
Then there's this new thing he keeps doing.
Whats with him bitching about people apparently close to him?
What happened to his empathy and logic of seeing that they are happy doing what they are doing and leaving them to it?
That's long gone and now all he can do is bitch about how "fucking stupid they are" with words like "psssft that's just stupid".
Just because he doesn't agree with what they are doing, it doesn't mean they are fucking stupid!
Maybe the thing they did was what they wanted to do?
- The tendency to desire what is best for the other
- Sympathy and empathy
- Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
All those values seem to have vanished from him unless he see's it as something he would do.
Now days he sits there with a friend and bitches about other "friends" saying how stupid they would look dancing or pointing out that they are socialy awkward sometimes even pointing out decisions that they have made that he thinks are "just stupid". Always pointing out peoples flaws.
I mean what the fuck is going on with his logic lately?
I was walking home with him after he went to see his girlfriend and I sad "I should arrange a meet up for Sunday. We should all be free then."
He tells me it sounds like a god plan but then says "But I'm not going if Jess doesn't go".
I said that was a bit stupid to not go if Jess doesn't go, and that he should still come.
He then goes on to say that "If she doesn't go I'm not going, and I'll leave a ranty letter outside her house".
I replied with "That's a tad harsh don't you think? She might feel really bad if she comes home from wherever she was to a ranty letter from you for not going to a party."
This discussion went on for about 10 minutes turning slightly into a argument with him saying he wasn't going to go and me still saying that I thought it was daft..
Only after 10 minutes of arguing about it and him drilling it into my head that he was deadly serious did he then say he was pissing about and apparently being sarcastic.
Maybe I was stupid and didn't pick up the sarcasm but you would have thought that after a few mins of joking you would have hinted that you were joking or something not 10 fucking minutes and then calling me stupid for not getting the sarcasm.
Even Callum has said to me that Jack has been more like me, and I can't stand it.
I want my brother back.
The one that gives a shit about peoples feelings.
The less like me the better!
Then again it doesn't help him much when close friends show him that you can be irresponsible all the time without any consequences.
I know I throw parties quite often, but people need to realize that at some point you have to take responsibility and rather than spending ALL your money on nights out and getting pissed up you also might need to save some for other important stuff.
There are some people out there that have money and are just wasting it. Now fair enough do what you want with your money, if it fucks you over that's your fault and you shall have to deal with it, but when you don't think about the future at all and what you might possibly need to do with it, that's daft.
Mum and dad wont always be there to help you pay rent and feed your self. At some point you will have to fend for yourself. Be that when you get your own place or when you get kicked out, its still going to happen one day, and surely you want to be able to support yourself without having to be handed benefits or loans of some sort?
Currently I don't think Jack has any understanding of just how mature you have to be in reality.
Sure you can still have fun, but you have to fend for yourself sooner or later. Currently though all hes seeing is people wasting money on crap, and his I don't care attitude shows this in everything.
He's getting lazy and falling down a rocky path.
I can't change how he lives its his choice but it kills me to see his complete disregard for everything.
Sure he's working, that's a start, but that's about all he does, and even then it was handed to him.
You may argue this, but its true.
The Job Center told him about the job and he applied. This practicly gets him the job for the 8 weeks or so..
He didn't look for it or work for it. He just did what the job center said to do.
Good on him for applying, but if they don't keep him on then what? The job center wont keep handing him jobs on a plate.
I regret paying the rest of the cash for the 3DS now to be honest..
Sure he loves it and has fun playing it, but when hes not working hes on a laptop or the 3DS. Wheres the looking for another job for when this one ends? He already told me that they most likely wont take him on.
I miss my old brother, the one who wanted to be so many things and always seemed positive. The one who I could sneak food that I brought with my EMA money into the bedroom and hide for him, and see that grateful face look back at me rather than the current blank "This is just what jays like" face. =[
Another thing that I can't stand is quite daft but it still effects me like mad.
I can post a status on my wall and as usual hardly anyone likes it, but a lot of the time Jacks Girlfriend clicks like. Then when jacks not about she talks to me on my wall or by messages. Then I get messages about how down shes feeling, as though I'm supposed to help her feel better. Surely that should be something she tells Jack not me?
Now I'm not overly fussed by it all because I can ignore the likes (to me its just a like although a rather lot of them) and the messages I don't have to reply to if I feel its Jacks job to do. (seeing as he should be getting to know her better it would be wise that he helped not me)
However its gotten to the stage where I can almost pinpoint when she will message me or click like and its really un-nerving. I have my reasons but I'd rather not say why.
It also effects Chloe.
You see shes very conscious about herself, even though I love her more than anyone I have ever met ever, and she finds it just as awkward as I do that she likes a lot of my statuses and stuff, and it causes me and Chloe to end up in quite a concerned discussion about chicks flirting with me.
Seeing as I'm trying to fix things at the moment and have been going through a very rough patch I can't be doing with that too.
Then there's all the stress from work and them messing me about still.
Holidays still not sorted out, hours changing like crazy, early starts etc.
The way my mind currently is and no one understanding me at all and telling me I'm stupid/wrong or to nasty.
People ignoring me when I try and talk to them...
Not having enough time to do everything...
Lack of sleep for work..
My paranoia..
Voices..
Jay...
ARGH!!!
So much fucking stress and stupidity in people!
I am honestly at the point now where if someone does one thing to piss me off, I will either smack the fuck out of them or I'll do something serious that I won't ever be able to take back and fucking end it all!
There are many more things that have pushed me to this breaking point and I swear that if they don't start vanishing or becoming solved then I will flip out.
It wont just be a simple RAWR RAWR at people it will be me smashing the shit out of everything and anything that gets in my way.
As it is I sit her shaking and screaming inside my head wishing it would all vanish and fade away.
Possibly look for help? yeah sounds good.. but when all these problems need to be solved and not ignored its not that easy.
The fact that I seem to flip emotions like having Bi-Polar doesn't help.
So here's a warning.. I will be away for some time.. If you piss me off don't expect me to hold back..
I have been holding back for quite some time, and even this blog post is me being close to fully exploading on someone.
Note: maybe time off work to see a doctor would help.. but time off work isn't that easy to get =[
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