Monday, 25 June 2012

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Current life in a blog-shell....

Well.. For the past week or so now I have started to wonder if I should even bother with anything any more.

You see so many things seem to go wrong, and a much as people try to say "It's just because you're being stupid", I personally feel its because some things are just bound to happen.

I'm now currently in a state of mind where i don't know if I can be bothered to put up with it any more. It seems that no matter how many times I solve something I get another thing thrown in my way, and people, rather than be supportive, tend to sit back and laugh while telling me that I had it coming and that they are so much better than I am even though they make mistakes just as bad as i do at times in their life.

I tend to usually sit back and solve the issues I have without even attempting anything else so as to avoid getting more problems. This usually means that I stop socializing and focus on the things that are going wrong and patch it up.. a bit like my 10 steps in 13 simple steps to what pile of crap

Here's my problem though.

I get into a rough patch where I have a few things that need to be sorted (for what ever reason). I then try to step back and solve them.. just like I did when I was going through that really bad patch about a month ago. Things then worked out okay to some extent and I was able to feel good for a while. Sure I still had a few things I would have liked to fix up, but I thought that enough was sorted so that I could reintegrate into my social life rather than missing out on people.

Turns out though that even though I had manage to get through a rough patch and was fine for 2-3 weeks you then find that people love to bring you crashing back down again.

This usually is because they them self are feeling pressure of some sort, be it exams, diets, social life, work... and so in order to feel better about them self they look at others and try to see how their life is "So much better off that you".

It's understandable to look at another persons life and think "Thank god I haven't got a messed up relationship like that" or "Thank god I have a job I enjoy", but when you then turn round to that other person that you are comparing yourself to and tear them down by reminding them that they have all these bad things, it really does no good..

Sure even I do it, I won't lie. The only thing is that lately I have tried to do it less because I understand how bad it can be. If you read something in my blog about it however then "tough shit" because you were warned in the very start that these are my thoughts and you may be offended.

I try to say things how they are and yet also try to give some constructive information of some sorts with it, but lately all I have seem to have gotten from people is "hey jay do you realize your life is fucked? How about you go hang yourself rather than waste your life making us all miserable", and in all honesty its quite fucking tempting.

I have currently cut my self off from a lot of people, not because I hate them or because they are people I don't want to be around, but because I am fed up with people constantly reminding me how I make them feel bad when they do the exact same thing to so many others too. I even turned round today when being asked to meet up with everyone and said that I would rather not because I wouldn't want to spoil peoples mood.

For you see I am very close to snapping.. and I honestly don't mean the "I'm going to shout at you or blog about my anger" I'm way past that stage now and simple things like "Hey look at how your hurting Chloe" when I clearly know how shit things are between us at the moment, really make me want to leave you all behind and let you live your oh so happy life without me in it.

Would that honestly make you all happy, if I just got up one day, saw a message and thought "fuck it I can't be doing with this any more" and hung my self or jumped out my window. Would it?

If so then by all means let me know and I'll fucking do it. I'm sick of you all trying to tell me that I hurt you when in fact you don't seem to realize how much you all have been hurting me lately. Maybe one day you might just realize.

I know there are a few (and I mean few) of you that have actually cared and tried helping me through this and I would like to thank you for your efforts. It has not gone unheard and it has not been wasted.. for you see I am still currently here.
You few people are the people that this world needs. People with respect and understanding that sometimes enough is just enough.


Now I know there are some of you reading this blog and thinking "Oh here we go again.. another bitchy blog", but in all honesty this is simply here for one reason only.

You ether read this blog post because you were concerned about me OR you read it in spite and for some ammo to throw at me. For those people that feel they are the concerned, I would like to say thanks and hopefully things will work out and I can support you one day. As for the others that feel they read this post for ammo.. give it your best shot... honestly go ahead.. and I promise that when your finished I wont hurt one bit, in fact the only thing that will change will be that you get your fucking wish, question is will you actually feel guilty?


A few things I personally would like fixed in my life rather than being as broken as they currently are:

Firstly would be my relationship with Chloe
She meant the world to me and I feel like i have lost her, I know she is hurting and so am I.. there is no excuse I can or will make as to why things are the way they are... they just have ended up this way and now I need to fix it. Question is how?
Sure you could say that we just need to work on it but without knowing EVERYTHING that gets to her and her knowing everything that gets to me we cant start work on making arrangements and compromising on those thing. You can't fix what you don't know is broken..

Another thing I would lie to fix would be my productivity..
I don't have much free time due to work hours, and when I am free it seems that I never get all the things I would like to get done because I am usually sitting about thinking too much about what the hell I should do in order to solve my problems. By the time I have a answer, I then have to wait days until I have a day off from work to put that in action.

My relationship with Family is crap. I say family because I have 3 family's that I want to build the relationships with, however I find it hard to do that when I have so many other things that I have to do or think about and then when I do try it all seems pointless because its not for a long enough period of time.
I want to start seeing Chloe's family more (this is one of the things I know will help the relationship) however its having the free time when they are also free and  the fact that currently I have a huge hang up about going over there due to recent events and the fact that all my past Ex's family's have never liked me. It becomes a mental block..
I would also like to see my mum properly and my nan and granddad, seeing as I haven't seen them in ages. it almost feels as though they don't exist any more even though they do. It doesn't feel the same as when I used to see then 3 times a year at least and stay over for a week or so.. i feel like I have lost the connection with them and by doing so it also feels like I have lost connections with my childhood.. almost as though a part of me has died.
And finally there is my dads side of the family that I currently feel so distant from that its unbelievable. Due to a recent incident between me and y step mum I feel almost as though I'm unwanted there. (be it true or not). I don't intend to upset people in the family and i feel shitty that I have, currently to the point where i don't know how angry they are with me. My fault I guess..
I then also feel as though I have a brother (Jack) that accepts me as a brother but I'm starting to feel we clash too much, its something i want to sort out and fix the brotherly bond again. I'm not saying I don't feel hes my brother, just that I feel as though he would be better off without me about. Then with Ollie and eve, I feel even less of a brother.. i mean sure they see me some days when I start or finish work and they are playing in the street, but I feel useless because I don't feel like I'm there for them enough.. i'm the big brother after all, and yet I hardly see them. =[

Work is an ongoing thing that I want to patch up and be better at.
I'm okay with the fact that I work where I work and the hours aren't too bad now. However I keep getting this huge anger build up inside me because its not getting me anywhere. I want to be progressing in life and yet I feel stuck with no way to advance. A job in computers would be nice, or even a shitty job but with better pay so I can actually save up some cash for a house or something, but currently I have a shitty job that gains me no experience to progress to a better job and the pay is barely enough to pay for all the bills. I'm progressing no where.

My social life is on hold at the moment due to the stress of other issues that I would rather fix first than be reminded of every time I see people. Sure I could go see people and them be warned that I don't exactly want to talk about X,Y,Z but they shouldn't have to tip toe about just so that I can be happy. I would rather they were able to be them self and have fun without being on edge that they may upset or anger me. (thus the not going out today).
I also feel like my social group needs to expand. (Nothing against you guys as your all awesome) but I need to find another group of people that you don't know so that I can learn new things meet new people and all in all talk about things that are fresh topics.

As you can see there are a lot of things that I want to do.. these are still only a very few of them..

Take this post how ever you want.. it is simply here to express my thoughts.
Just as I intended them to be.
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