Fucking Jay ¬_¬

You know that moment in life where you have so many problems that you have no idea what to do?

So what you try to do is make a list of all your problems and then solve as many of the small ones as you can and then put things in place to help solve the larger ones.

However when you can't seem to solve any of the problems your faced with and things keep getting worse, what else can you do?

Well I never really had much of an answer to what else you could do to try and solve the problem, however i also didn't wanna dwell on it either. So usually I try and get fucked out my face on drink and some forms of drugs so that I forget all about the problems and at least try to live a little in a fairly happy state until something magically goes well. 99% of the time it works out.

Currently I feel like everything that i have ever created for myself has been blown up in my face and then stomped on to make sure I cant ever have it fixed.. cheers Jay

You see for the past week or so now Jay has been overpowering me and I seem to have no way of stopping him, and if there is a way I have no idea what that is.

I have sat here for the past few days wondering what I could do to stop him from destroying everything and I honestly cant think of any other than get rid of him..problem there is its not that easy.. =/

Not many people understand that what I go through isn't something I can just switch off or ignore...
It actually is like your entire mind becomes a different person. So badly in fact that at the time your doing all of those things, it actually seems like the things you would normally do every day and that you can't argue with it.

Then when things change back you see all the stuff and think "Why the fuck!" and your left in a situation where you have no understanding as to why you did any of it.

I need some form of help with controlling this but currently everyone who could help me ether doesn't fully understand or isn't willing to help anymore.

No wonder my life seems to be in bits...

Me, Myself and My Mind

Dear My Mind

Today I have some quite disappointing news to tell you.
Currently you have left me in a world of confusion. You have given me my ups and my downs without warning and over the past few hours you have sent me in to a Whirlpool of confusion.

I am writing to you in order to query why it is that you do these things to me when it would be so much easier to be normal like everyone else and just get on with things simply and calmly would it not?

Butterfly... Changing

Today marks the day I yet again allow one of the others to take control for a while.
For those of you who have no idea as to what I mean.. this could sound crazy or it could sound normal.. depends on how you see split personality's.

For too long Jay has been screaming at James asking to be set free and tonight he almost broke free..
With thoughts of smashing up my flat and breaking my fists upon a wall to such things of just jumping from a window to seek a perfect calm...
He needs to go..

...

Its got to that point where I'm now scared to be around people when I hear his voice. I'm never sure what words he will whisper into my thoughts making me contemplate drastic changes to make in my life. All I know is they are far from good.

I'm glad that Besty was here today to back up James.. I don't think I could have coped without him keeping my calm.
"Just take a breath... count to 5 if you have to and think of something calming.. maybe a waterfall of some sorts"
All the others just seemed to step back with no clue as to what to do. =[ not very useful.

I think I may have to let Besty take control for a while so that the others can lock up all the thoughts...

Not too sure how this will effect me as I haven't let Besty take control for 5-6 years or so.
Lets just hope he knows whats good for me :P

On the plus side seeing as work is fine now it should allow me to make a few minor needed changes with friendships ^_^

Again for those of you not quite up to speed with my mind here is a quick informative update..

• Musical Phoenix or Phe/Phe-o/Phoenix = Complete gamer, geek, nerd.. Loves playing games and doesn't really have much time for other stuff. Usually cant deal with problems unless its game based. Poor at social skills and doesn't respond much to peoples input. Tends to stay indoors and away from people where he can feel safe and calm playing games of all kinds nearly 24/7

• Covert Hoax or Covert = The hacker... when hes about you tend to know.. hes coding/hacking or talking about conspiracies and hoax's, tends to follow ideas of Anonymous with freedom of speech and data. Will usually solve problems about anything but not always in a good way.. tends to be sneaky and cunning with long term plans where he manipulates things into working when they shouldn't.

• Besty = The Friend.. Tends to put everything to one side for his friends.. supports anyone when needed without question. Usually there to support people and doesn't think about himself, can cause him to get in some sticky money issues due to helping others but he gets by some how..

• Jay = The Rebel... Known only too well for his disobedience, you say don't do it and he does it and some just to prove he can. Does stuff on impulse and doesn't think about the after effects, just wants to enjoy life as much as he can without thought of who it effects. Usually locked away in my mind so that not too much damage gets done as he tends to destroy everything I build for myself.

• James = The thinker.. Take jay and flip it on his head.. James tends to think things through and tries to understand as much as possible and then work with what hes given. All round his kind of balanced in most ways, but can be very life orientated, wanting the perfect job the perfect house and everything to be planned and working towards things.

Well thats me, me, me, me and me :P
Hopefully that helps you all understand how I work better and you should even see what I mean better when my personality changes randomly.

Well thought I'd give you all a heads up as to whos on their way... enjoy ;)

Lately I ......

I was thinking..
Already I know this can't be a good thing heh
But I really can't believe how we are so controlled these days.

There are so many things we would all love to say or do, but we never do these things because of the consequences.. now not all these consequences should be bad.. but they can end up being bad consequences due to things placed in our way..

For example:
I live in a house..
I have to pay to live here..
I want to see my friends and party.. but in doing so it costs money and then I can't afford to pay to live where I am..
So I don't party to keep my house..

Now that's a bit of an extreme example.. but think of it this way..
If we didn't have to pay to live in that house and you only had to pay for the things you want like food, gas, lecky etc then you would be able to do more things..

This isn't just linked to houses..
Take a friendship for example.
If you want to say something but you know the consequences of saying that thing will be bad you generally don't say it..
Now this is usually because you don't want to upset people.. but most of the time they only get upset because their not wanting to accept the fact that what they do, say, look like or how they act has such an effect that caused you to think like that in the first place.

Its quite sad really that we are so constricted by everything around us.. physically and emotionally.

There have been many things I have wanted to say or do.. but yet I know that I can't..
FUCK IT SUCKS!

Currently I have been going through a real rough patch with my personality's.
Chloe will hate to read this but I have had Jay under control for the past year and a half.. and its been amazing..
Nothing has really gone wrong because I have said or done something I hated doing or saying..
The only things that have gone wrong worked out fine in the long run.

But lately Jay has been one persistent bastard!
I have felt myself slipping into his consciousness and thinking in such a positive way about so many things I know will end up bad..
And I'm failing..

I think its mainly due to the stress I have been under lately and the fact that it has taken such a toll on my mind lately with not being to solve the situations that Jay has been trying to tell me that you don't always have to solve them.. sometimes its better to just forget about it and do something so risky that it might work.

Thing is.. I know I can't trust him.. but he is so damn convincing..
For example.. I want to join the RAF for many reasons.. but I can't just quit my job.. join the RAF and things work out fine..
I need to be able to keep my stuff, flat, TV, PC, Sofas, bed.. where and how can I keep it if I have no income.. Yes the RAF will pay but not for a few months... =/

Jay seems to think we should just do it... Sign up right now.. go for the interview thing... quit work and start RAF life..
but what about the flat/money/chloe :S

That's one of the things he seems so adamant on doing so spontaneously and I'm starting to believe him..
And for James to listen to Jay after locking him away for such a long time is just wrong. =/

I think I'm worrying he'll take over again and I'll lose everything I have built for my self.. As I know he sees me doing other things.... traveling around the world living in random locations, being free spirited, parties.. just living life to the most I could..

....
..
*sigh*
I suppose in some way I'm looking for a valve I can open and allow Jay to leak through rather than build up.. but while he leaks through... also not upset people...

Possible? not sure.. but my mind can't rest and I get angry at myself for even listening, let alone then not doing... =[

I suppose this blog post has no actual resolution endpoint or structure for that matter so I'll wrap it up here and allow you all to take this information and use it how ever you wish.. =/

Current song that I relate to right now.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_qdY3617wo