Already I know this can't be a good thing heh
But I really can't believe how we are so controlled these days.
There are so many things we would all love to say or do, but we never do these things because of the consequences.. now not all these consequences should be bad.. but they can end up being bad consequences due to things placed in our way..
For example:
I live in a house..
I have to pay to live here..
I want to see my friends and party.. but in doing so it costs money and then I can't afford to pay to live where I am..
So I don't party to keep my house..
Now that's a bit of an extreme example.. but think of it this way..
If we didn't have to pay to live in that house and you only had to pay for the things you want like food, gas, lecky etc then you would be able to do more things..
This isn't just linked to houses..
Take a friendship for example.
If you want to say something but you know the consequences of saying that thing will be bad you generally don't say it..
Now this is usually because you don't want to upset people.. but most of the time they only get upset because their not wanting to accept the fact that what they do, say, look like or how they act has such an effect that caused you to think like that in the first place.
Its quite sad really that we are so constricted by everything around us.. physically and emotionally.
There have been many things I have wanted to say or do.. but yet I know that I can't..
FUCK IT SUCKS!
Currently I have been going through a real rough patch with my personality's.
Chloe will hate to read this but I have had Jay under control for the past year and a half.. and its been amazing..
Nothing has really gone wrong because I have said or done something I hated doing or saying..
The only things that have gone wrong worked out fine in the long run.
But lately Jay has been one persistent bastard!
I have felt myself slipping into his consciousness and thinking in such a positive way about so many things I know will end up bad..
And I'm failing..
I think its mainly due to the stress I have been under lately and the fact that it has taken such a toll on my mind lately with not being to solve the situations that Jay has been trying to tell me that you don't always have to solve them.. sometimes its better to just forget about it and do something so risky that it might work.
Thing is.. I know I can't trust him.. but he is so damn convincing..
For example.. I want to join the RAF for many reasons.. but I can't just quit my job.. join the RAF and things work out fine..
I need to be able to keep my stuff, flat, TV, PC, Sofas, bed.. where and how can I keep it if I have no income.. Yes the RAF will pay but not for a few months... =/
Jay seems to think we should just do it... Sign up right now.. go for the interview thing... quit work and start RAF life..
but what about the flat/money/chloe :S
That's one of the things he seems so adamant on doing so spontaneously and I'm starting to believe him..
And for James to listen to Jay after locking him away for such a long time is just wrong. =/
I think I'm worrying he'll take over again and I'll lose everything I have built for my self.. As I know he sees me doing other things.... traveling around the world living in random locations, being free spirited, parties.. just living life to the most I could..
....
..
*sigh*
I suppose in some way I'm looking for a valve I can open and allow Jay to leak through rather than build up.. but while he leaks through... also not upset people...
Possible? not sure.. but my mind can't rest and I get angry at myself for even listening, let alone then not doing... =[
I suppose this blog post has no actual resolution endpoint or structure for that matter so I'll wrap it up here and allow you all to take this information and use it how ever you wish.. =/
Current song that I relate to right now.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_qdY3617wo
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