Monday, 30 April 2012

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My two thoughts..

Today could have been described as the start of Dante's Inferno.
For today I seemed to drift through hell to the point of acceptance.

Limbo seems to be the place where you float about lost and without just cause.

No matter how hard I try to think things through.. nothing gets resolved. All I can seem to muster in my mind is "What should I do?" or "But how?"

No matter how hard I try and look forward I seem to be stuck in a loop where I can't venture forward.

I need to get out of my job and into "something" that I enjoy or something that I am at least respected for and mot just thrown about like some dogs play toy with no pat on the back or thanks..

The most uplifted I felt today was when a customer actually did pat me on my arm and said sorry for making me walk from one side of the store and then back again in a misunderstanding on my part. Other than that I have been used as some invisible ghost that should just do things without any recognition. Why the change all of a sudden?

I also need to get out of this flat!

I cant stress how much this needs to happen.. I honestly cant stand it any more. The complaints from people, the small space, the limitations to having it how i want it, the fact that any changes i do make I wont keep as I don't own it, the fact I cant progress with a family or anything in here.

It drives me mad.
Any money I do earn vanishes instantly on the flat and I cant progress forward.

And then comes my love life.. currently it seems to be in bits... so many conditions and things asked of me just to prove my feelings or whether its worth fighting for.

It seems that the only way I can prove I love someone is to put a ring on their finger... but you shouldn't have to do that to make them believe you love them..

Surely the ring could mean that I love her or that I'm just trying to stop her worrying.. why should I be forced to prove myself, am I truly not good enough as I am? Do I need to prove it with "things"?

Maybe I'm wrong.. maybe the only thing that actually exists is Lust and not love.. maybe love is just a sick idea made up to make people feel like they have to do extreme things for someone they lust for.. who knows ¬_¬

So yes I feel lost in limbo right now..

Next level is Lust is it not.. The one thing that causes me all these issues in the first place..

There is supposed to be a difference between love and lust..

If I see a beautiful woman in the street or on TV it does not mean I love them, I just think they look good..
Am I seriously not aloud to find other things attractive?
You don't get a pet and then state that you cant have another because you don't like any other pet.. but you can say that you like other pets but you love the one you have and don't want another right?
Lust is a sin... sadly a sin I have no control over as its a mental thing that kicks without me asking it to do so.


There have been so many things bring me down to the point that I question why we live... Is it even worth anything.. I mean who remembers me after I die? My gran kids.. maybe their kids.. but then I am forever forgotten. So what does my life mean, why should I stay here? To make people laugh? To watch them cry? Or maybe there is no need for me to truly be here...

I was brought a yoyo thing for my cutter and locker key by chloe.. cost her a bit but was worth it.

She knew i would use it and needed a new one.. Had it less than a week and it broke.. Caught on a door and pulled its self apart.. now im left with guilt and a broken gift.. a gift that looks just like cheese wire....

I see so many ways of just escaping this torcher... and you never know it might lead to the answers I'm looking for.. but the one thing that stops me is "Better"....

I'm always looking for better and in my mind I am screaming at myself that things "must" get better they just have to.. and its the only thing keeping me from smacking someone.. trashing things.. or worse.

I was hoping for a change today but my mind set wouldn't play ball..

Again I'm left with 2 thoughts... "What should I do?" and "But how?"
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